The Letter: Dear David

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter I wrote to someone I care about.

Submitted: October 07, 2011

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Submitted: October 07, 2011




Dear David,

I don’t know how long it’s been. A year or a few months. I’m not sure.  All I know is that it’s been awhile and I miss you every day. Honestly, I don’t know why I can’t get over you. I don’t think it’s because you were my first. I was attached long before then. That’s why I trusted you enough. I still think about all the times we had. For some reason it’s mostly the good times. I can’t seem to remember the bad even though I’m sure we had them. I heard about you and Kelsey. Even though I prayed and wished for a long time that she’d break your heart, I feel bad that is actually happened. I did want you to be happy. You may think I didn’t, but I genuinely care about you. Maybe you understand now what you did to me. Can you relate to how I felt? I’m positive you can’t. I’m sure I hurt worse. This isn’t the real reason why I wrote this. I’m not here to inform you that you completely crushed me, drained me of all emotions, emptied my heart, destroyed my passion, had me question everyone I ever cared about, cry till I couldn’t breathe. That’s not what I’m here for. I want to say, finally, what I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for six months. I love you. Yes, I’ve said that before, but I know that each time you hurt me I retracted those three words, eight letters. I’m sorry I always made it so difficult to know if I was serious or not. I never told you how I legitimately felt about you. It was so hard to be upfront with you. I couldn’t cry in front of you or smile or laugh. I was always frozen. You said in that voicemail that that’s why there was no us. You could never tell what I was feeling and I wouldn’t tell you. You had to push me to tell you. I had this fear that any type of emotion I showed you, you’d use that against me. Like ha I made you cry! Or the satisfaction that you made me so happy even when you fucked up. As if I was so in love with you that I was blinded. You could easily take advantage. I did not want that. But in the process I was slowly pushing you further and further away and I hadn’t realized until it was too late. I’d do anything to get those happy days back. To get you back. I told you one night when we were cuddling in my bed- well asked- if I could keep you forever. Until recently I had never realized you never answered. There’s this repeating question that comes to mind; Was it any of it ever real? I tell myself it was. There’s no way I imagined all the nice things you said. Maybe It was just charm to get me in bed. I don’t care. It was there and it meant something- everything- to me. Every gesture, every word. I hope it meant something to you too. Let me get back on topic of the reason for this letter, not that you’ll ever get this. Today this kid in my creative writing class wanted to share what he was feeling and although it sounds weird to you, it’s pretty normal to do. He was talking about love and how his girlfriend of a year broke up with him two days ago. I have to admit, I was sort of laughing. He was telling us what love is but he couldn’t really form a coherent sentence. His words were all jumbled up and he kept saying ‘you know’ in every sentence.  But then his voice cracked and I turned to look at him and I saw him drop his head down in a peaceful defeat while quiet sobs came from his throat. At that moment I realized I did know. I know about how much it hurts. I knew what he was trying to say. Love hurts, but in the end, if it ends your way or not, it’s always worth it. You were always worth it David. I had boyfriends before you and with each one I always thought I loved them. I did, but I was not in love with them. You will always be my first love and no one will replace you. I believe there’s always one great love in life. You can find as many people as you want to love, but there’s always just that one that outweighed all the rest. I’m not sure yet if you were that one great love. I know that the times we had were the best days of my life. The kisses were so sweet there’s nothing to compare it to. Sometimes I can still smell that special cologne you wore mixed with you and I feel whole. I used to listen to that voicemail I had saved on my phone ten times a day, just to be familiarized with your voice. Sadly, it was so long ago that my memory box deleted it all on its own. My point is that I wish I could just hear your voice again. I wish I could hear you say all those nice things you used to say long ago. My heart, still broken, aches for you. I loved you with so much passion that I could see myself doing anything for you. It feels pathetic to me because there’s no way of knowing if you even care an ounce about me. I miss you. I want you. I love you. I just hope I stop sometime soon. It’s killing me.

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