Tragedy

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Taking a break but first I need to get this off my chest

I had everything I wanted because all I ever wanted was my family and I had that. An added bonus was that my beloved cousin who had served 13 years in federal prison had finally been released. I was in no hurry to see him as I figured he needed his space to spread his wings and most definitely he wanted a girlfriend asap. I thought there would be time to see him once he had been free for awhile. My brother and niece had gone to see him recently but I did not join them as I'm claustophobic and my brother's car does not have the roomiest backseat (2 door car) and it is quite a long, long drive to and from. When my brother returned he mentioned that my cousin wanted to see my other younger brother and myself, but I knew it would be awhile before we would be able to go. I was just happy that he was living his life, getting adjusted, getting a girlfriend, and through facebook he seemed to be adjusting just fine. 

I have been very sick with yet another cold (my tenth this year?) and yesterday my oldest brother walked through the door and with tears streaming down his face told me bluntly "He's dead. He broke his neck." 

I immediately wanted to scream and throw things against the wall, but I had no voice, and felt quite weak. We talked for a bit as I tried to process those words. My beloved cousin was gone. I wasn't there for him. He had been going through things. I studied sociology and criminal justice. I knew how hard readjustment was but I wasn't there for him. Could I have changed things? What if I had messaged him everyday, what if I had gone to seen him, what if I had gotten close? These questions plague me but there are reasons for my distance.

As teens, there was a lot of drama between my cousins and I. They lived in another state and after a divorce they came to stay with us for awhile. My cousin had three other brothers and a sister. The oldest cousin and I had been on friendly terms but then as things happen when we were teens that drama carried on over the years straining our relationships. My beloved cousin soon became imprisoned and after more drama separate from that, I tried to have as little contact as I could with them. I did try to write to him while he was in prison, but again I didn't want rumors to reemerge as they had in the past. I am an Aquarius, a humanitarian, and I care deeply about people to the point where people either willingly or not try to miscontrue my kindness as something its not. 

Now I will have so many questions if I could have been done more, been more present, and helped my beloved cousin. I was not the person he called that fateful night to try to join him in the car. The other person declined his call and perhaps that saved their own life, or doomed him to losing his. 

 

I just want my cousin back, he was only free for less than four months, still on probation too I think. I try to find comfort in that at least he did not die in prison, he died a free man, no matter how short-lived. I have so many regrets, I thought there was time. I wanted to see him alive and now I am not sure I can go to his funeral. The last thing I want is to see him like that, in my mind he's free, living his life, enjoying his new found freedom. 

I will be taking a break as I deal with everything, and the thing I want the most I can never have again. 

He will be missed as his was a life full of potential, and now it has been officially wasted, and I'm so sick I haven't been able to cry as my throat is killing me, my nose is wrecked from wiping from the cold, not sure how much more it can endure so I have to wait to heal from my cold to properly mourn. 

He leaves behind a young son, and many, many other family members who loved him very much.

Somewhere among the stars, beside my other family members, he shines brightly but way before his time.

I love him and miss him. I just wish I was telling him this.  A few days ago I could have. Now I can't. 

 

 

 


Submitted: December 23, 2019

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hullabaloo22

I'm so sorry. Life is so unfair and it will obviously take some time to come to terms with the tragedy.
A heartbreaking read.

Mon, December 23rd, 2019 9:04pm

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Reply

Thank you for your kind words. It was also his birthday and everyone was planning to eat with him and see him open his presents. So true that life is so unfair. Thank you for stopping by I really appreciate it.

Mon, December 23rd, 2019 2:50pm

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