Pineapple Upside-Down Man

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Technology is not always benefiscent

Submitted: March 13, 2009

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Submitted: March 13, 2009

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Pineapple Upsidedown Man


It was a dark and stormey night. It was not. It occurred in the afternoon..and I was quite lurid. I recall going in the southside mall and leaving my famous springer spaniel, Jupe, in the car for some twenty minutes while I went into Radio Shack to buy some batteries. The sun was shining.

It was an innocent incident, but there was a crowd gathered around my car when I came out and poor Jupe was yiping. "Leave her alone.".I yelled. then I saw something that dashed my brain. Jupe, was walking on the ceiling of my series III LandRover, defying gravity.

I jumped in the car and immediately a force turned me upside-down and slammed me into the car's ceiling..

The ringleader in front of my car was this old woman who had a face like John Wayne....
"YOU LEAVE THAT DOG ALONE!!" she shouted. "YEAH," The crowd shouted..."LEAVE HER ALONE!!!" The poor dog looked at me and cried. "Jupe sit still!" I commanded in a hush. She scooted her limbs together and sat on the ceiling of the MK III looking at me and licking my face.

She had my cell phone's lanyard tangled with her coller..."Easy Girl..." I urged-for once I entered the car, I was upside-down also.
The cell phone spat out bits of static nonsense..and poor Jupitor was panicked. If I could just release the cellphone from her collar.
I sure didn't welcome this notariety! I untangled the cell phone.

Poor Jupe fell on the right side up side of the car. "Blagh" she said, as the wind was knocked out of her. She soon righted herself and ran around the car's interior like a dirvish, jumping and trying to claw me down from the ceiling. Scratching at the windows in a blind panic. She almost talked.

Crazy stuff. The old woman, that looked like John Wayne, yelled at me. "I AM A MEMBER OF THE ASPA AND I HAVE YOUR LICENSE NO. STOP MAKING HER WALK ON THE CEILING-CAN'T YOU SEE SHE DOESN"T WANT TO DO IT!!!
I made my lips big and rolled my eyes at the foolette hag..and was sarcastic. Couldn't she see that I was stuck to the ceiling now as Jupe had been? OK for a human being-not for a dog..I hate that mentality.

"She is a "German tree walker"...They are bred for this...they climb right up trees to go after rabbits and birds! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF HUNTING DOGS, YOU TROUBLE MAKER!!!" They all grumbled and moved off like a lynch mob. I was talking with a German accent and clipping my consonents like a Nazi. ..made them leave..superior intellect and command. (NOT!)

Jupe looked at her and barked and showed her teeth. She knew a nasty interference when she met one. I could tell she was not right though." They walk upside down whenever they want...IDIOT WOMAN!" I motioned the crowd away.

"We gotta get outta here..." I told Jupe under my breath. We got home and I put Jupe back on her chain by the doghouse. She seemed right enough but then she squatted down to relieve herself, chunks of dog scat floated into the air and into space. The poor hound looked at me and she knew that all was not right. HER CRAP FLOATED AWAY INTO THE SKY! she howled mournfully. I watched, biting my fist like an old ginzo. Not Good! * * *

I went into the house and looked at the cellphone...could it be? I switched on the phone and immediately I turned upside down and was walking on the ceiling. It defied all logic. Like my feet were glued to the ceiling.

I remember growing up and having high fevers. On one such occasion, I awoke and looked at the ceiling. (It looked like the floor). I entertained the notion of walking on the ceiling and stepping over door lintals...how much fun that would be...now I was doing it for real. Setting foot where no one man had ever stepped before. A dubious honor, considering the repercussions.

I looked at the dirty footprints my Nike sneakers were making on the ceiling blocks and realized my wife would be greatly annoyed when she saw them. There would be some explaining to do.

How to get back down to the floor without breaking my neck! ...maybe the volume control, I pondered.

I adjusted the volume and it worked. I gradually lowered myself horizontal and then back on my feet. I felt pleased with this accomplishment and tried it several more times. It was a novelty. Wait until she sees this, I grinned.

Then I adjourned to the bathroom to take a leak. My urine floated past me hitting the ceiling light and sparkled in a strange mercurial fashion. I watched in horror as the yellow beads rolled across the ceiling and dissapeared into the crevaces of the painted moldings and found their way out into the stratosphere. They looked like clever insects.

I caught sight of my startled reflection in the mirror and shook my head sadly. I was molecurally "Fucked"...thanks to my cell phone service.
* * *
I called my cell phone provider immediately.

"To report a problem...press one!" An automated voice demanded.
"To check your billing status press two..." How to speak to a living person? I thought. I pressed one.
"To report a service outtage, press one.." There was a clumsy click:
"Please check your cellphone serial number located on the bottom of the handset...if your serial number phone is 583405 to 678944 please press 8". (It was)
I pressed eight..."Please hold for the next available service representative..." the automated voice commanded me. A belltone rang and a human voice came on. "Hello, my name is Lisa. How may I help you." I cradled the phone back down quietly and terminated the call.

They will simply tell me to bring the phone back. I mulled. As far as whatever negative physiological changes occured to my body that was my tough luck...try proving it...without the phone. Sure they'd like it back. They are going to have lawsuits out the whazoo pretty soon...

My wife Genie came in soon. I was sitting in my big reclining chair lost in thought. My "cave". The only place in the room where I could have my magazines, my ashtray, my books all stacked up until she and I grew sick of it. "It is becomming a clutter" she would say. "Yes but it is an organized clutter..." I would retort.

"Hello Chubby Dukey..." I said, without any real feeling, as she entered. (That is my pet name for her...) She noticed the footprints on the ceiling almost immediately and ignored my kind greeting. She looked at me uncertainly. "Why did you do that?" she asked pointing at the footprints on the ceiling. Certainly a first.

I sighed, "Somehow it pleased me...she glared.

.Don't be angry...I didn't do it on purpose." I explained. "Check this out!" I switched on the cell phone and walked on the ceiling for her. "You..you're making it worse.." she said, hissing quietly. She was pissed. I was tracking more black Nike footprints across the ceiling. Women hate messes...

I navigated back down to the floor. "It got me and Jupe today." I explained.

"Just Great!" she exclaimed.
"I mean it..." I explained. "This wasn't done on purpose...you just turn upside down.when you turn on the cell phone. I shit you not!"

"Let me try..." she smiled and slanted her eyes in a lovely teasing way. She is irresistable..I almost handed it to her.
I caught myself. "You CAN"T!" I yelled. "It changes your body in some weird way I'd rather not go into."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, Jupitor's crap is floating out of her body and going airborne...so is our urine...I think from now on I will go outside to "take a dump".
Otherwise we are going to have some bad ceiling stains..."

"Call the cellphone service...they will give you another phone."
"Will they come over and clean the ceiling also?" I asked.

"And what about what has happened to me? Do I spend the rest of my life going outside to take a leak? What of Jupe? ...Jupe looked quite odd tonight and she looked at me like: "Why don't you fix this problem."..like I could heal her with a wave of the cellphone. We don't even know what other uncanny side effects there are. I shudder to think." I shook my head with my eyes shut.

"LETS WATCH THE NEWS..." she said, logically. "Maybe you are not the only one."
* * *
The news did not carry a lot of info. They just said there was a recall on cellphones from the $%^&* company.

"Dial one for your account and billing..." I mimicked, sarcastically. "Two for "customer service"

Wait a minute. I surmised. This is like a "super-power" right now. I can walk on ceilings and..no one else can...there might be a way of capitilizing on this.

I WOULD ROB A BANK! It would be the very first bank heist done from the ceiling! Brilliant. The bank cameras are all trained towards the doors on a floor level. It must be well planned...and it must use the element of suprise...has to be done in the next day or so before the cellphone people can ratify the problem. It is beyond imagination.

I looked at a paper jump suit I use for spraying automobiles. I have a box full of others..."Brilliant! One black and one white...
I felt justified because I knew these rich jerks would get off with a slap on the wrists..before that happened, I meant to rob them blind.
"Go for the gold...and the hell with fairness. "Fish in the Sea, Fish in the water, Nothing is Fair...so come to the slaughter..."

* * *
"Have some coffee..." Genie said. "Thank you..no" I told her.
"You're going to DO somthing..." she said. I looked in those green eyes and pulled her on my lap. The same color as mine, the eyes.

"You know what I'm talking about!" she persisted. I kissed the wry corners of her lips as they broke into smile.

"I know you...she pushed away, "you are on the move...I can tell". She said dryly.
She was right." I can always tell..." she smirked trying to read my mind.

"We need a vacation..." I told her. I knelt on the floor and hugged her waist. My hair was curley then, and she kneaded the curls and pressed my face into her body. She smelled like the outdoors. She was built like a small upright base quitar. "Is it true you were born in a Viola Case?" I laughed.

"You don't want to know what I'm going to do..." I looked up at her.


"I know you aren't cheating on me..." she grinned but her smile diminished," Please don't tell me what you're going to do...but be careful.I have a feeling...this will not go well. An intuition you might call it. I work with animals all day and I can sense things. The animals sense things also and they've been restless as hell lately." She frowned.

"I'm built for speed!" I said, drumming my fingers on the table, nervously. "Maybe I will have some coffee after all."
* * *
Next day-Outside the bank, I took the black jumpsuit and threw it next to their dumpster. I donned the white paper jumpsuit and got down to business. This was a solo job and half-assed!. I entered the bank on the ceiling. People looked and buzzed but thought I was a workman of some sort doing some ceiling work. Until I stood up-upside-down...and erect. They screamed and buzzed like they were watching an acrobat from the circus on the flying trapeeze.

"DO NOT BE AFRAID!" I announced. "OUR PRESEANCE HERE IS NOT MEANT TO STARTLE YOU!!! I COME FROM A DYING PLANET AND YOUR GOVERNMENT WILL SOON DISCLOSE THE DETAILS OF OUR BEING HERE ON EARTH. (Too Long winded)

"MY PLANET IS DYING AND TO SAVE MY PLANET WE NEED MONEY....MUCH MONEY! Your govenment will re-emberse you so do not resist We are not a warlike people and wish to hurt no one!!"

A security guard went for his pistol. I descended and grabbed him and hit the volume control to max. We both went upside down and through the suspended ceiling tiles. People screamed as the ceiling rained down tiles...His head crashed into a steel I beam that was hidden...could have been me as well, dumb luck...I let him go and dropped him forty feet to the floor. It was a fairly brutal move and it got the tellers loading up my burlap bag with green real quick. Four minutes///

I ran out of the bank on the ceiling and once outside changed dress into the black paper jumpsuit I stashed. I threw the burlap bag of money in the dumpster and ran across the street and watched the fun from the diner. Cops and Troopers all over the place. ("Hut, Hut, Hut, HUT...")

I ordered a steam table Turkey dinner and watched the "turkeys"...you can order nothing better in a stainless steel diner. I went to the bath and threw out the paper jumpsuit. I was wearing a shirt and tie and flowered lapel, and donned some plain horn rimmed glasses and walked back and took another table.

"How bout a Reuban sandwich?" I asked the same waitress with a southern drawl. She was doing eight tables at once.

She looked at the ownerless Turkey meal steaming at the other side of the diner...and did a double-take..
I looked out the window and saw the blue lights of the troopers cars flashing by the Mall. They wanted to hang around all night. They were pissed. Helicopters swept overhead. They were setting up roadblocks. I had no car to roadblock. I meant to get the money and walk it into the woods and go on foot to where I had a canoe stashed.

At the counter of the diner there was a TV and this news was coming in:

"12 children and their parents are being held upside-down at Penn Station by Palestinean terrorists..they threaten to shut off their cellphones and let all fall to the ground..."

This just in:

" a disgrunted postal worker attached his *&%*&% cellphone to his supervisor and he is presently reported at 50,000 feet where the air is oxygin depleted...". (I never thought of that...) Good for him, I thought...Bravo! a few bosses in my life I would have liked to have done that to.
* * *
I timed it all perfectly.

I went back to the dumpster later and picked up the cash. The serial numbers of the bills were all sequential. I put all the bills in a PVC sewer pipe and buried it way up in the woods in an old house foundation. (Much good may it do me...)

Genie said, "I told you so..." and smirked.
The FBI came and looked at me sideways.."Uh, we understand that you have cellphone number %*%&%&"

"You mean this?" I asked. I flicked the switch and opened my hand. The cellphone shot into the air and the agents made a scramble for it like linebackers. Gone...

"I've been meaning to have that fixed", I grinned, affibly.

"We mean to watch YOU!" They challenged. They pointed their fingers like pistols.

"The effects of the cellphone went away as soon as the cellphone was rid of.

That is the abbreviated story of the "Pineapple Upside-down Man".

Copyright Ortley Cane 7/07


© Copyright 2019 Ortley Cane. All rights reserved.

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