Darkness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
The journey of accomplishing your dreams.

Submitted: November 02, 2013

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Submitted: November 02, 2013

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Darkness

Watching everything you’ve dreamed about slowly slip away from you. Knowing you’ve done everything you could do to try to hold onto them. But they still fall farther and farther away as the walls of failure close in, suffocating, cutting off all hope. My heart breaks as I reach for the fleeting dreams, clawing, grasping for anything I can hang on too. I’m so close, I can see the top of the ever growing mountain, I can see them there taunting me, daring me to catch them. I’m getting closer. Just as I can taste success on my lips, just as I reach out to grab on to my dreams and never let go, I trip. I watch my dreams shrink as I fall into the black abyss of my mind. Heartbroken, the pieces are so scattered they can’t be found. How can I move on? I’ve wanted this for so long, I fought so hard to reach my dreams, but they did not want me to catch them.  I stare up at them high above my head as I drown in my sorrow and try to find my scattered heart.

The pieces turn to dust as I reach for them, reminding me that my heart will always bear this scar. This was my life, my hopes, my dreams, yet I could not hold on. I could not succeed in my fairy tale, and because of that my mind and heart were crushed.  Disappointment clenched my chest as the breaths became harder and harder to release. My throat swelled as it tried to release its emotion, but it could not. I was stronger than this at least that was what I had always thought, but this emotional turmoil was the most painful thing I’d ever felt. I wish I had broken a bone; it would have been less painful than this. A bone would heal; my heart would never fully recover. 

I thought of all the people I was letting down. All the hard work, long hours, and sleepless nights they had endured. They would never forgive me. They would only see me as a disappointment, and that their hours were wasted on a dream that would never be. They would see the failure that was within and they would hate me for it. How could I face them? How could I face them as they looked down on me in the hole I had created? I could not face them. I refused to see the disapproval or hear their demeaning comments. They never believed, only I was foolish enough to do that.

I looked back up the mountain of success I had created. It had many dips and turns and elevations. It showed how far I had come, how close I had gotten, and I resented it. I was at the bottom, all I could do was stare at my lost dreams and wish and pray and beg. My mind felt as if it were about to explode from the pressure and the pain. I grabbed at my skull trying to release the pressure, trying to make the memories and feelings go away. They would not. They stayed there in my mind tutoring me, forever reminding me of my failure. They loved reminding me over and over again that I was nothing, that I had accomplished nothing.

But I was not nothing. I had created success in my life. Staring back at that mountain I knew I was worth something.  I still had a foundation. I still had a start; I just needed to get back to that place. I needed to escape the darkness that surrounded me.

 I started climbing from the very bottom of my mountain, gaining on the top bit by bit. But the darkness did not want me to leave. It liked my company in its lonely hole. Its cold fingers grabbed at me as I tried to move further up the mountain. The darkness pushed me down, causing me to fall back into its grasp. It seized me, forcing me to stay within its control. It drug me farther and farther away from the base of my mountain.  

Fighting seemed impossible. I just let the darkness guide me deeper and deeper into its depths. This was much easier than fighting it, than climbing that mountain. Though it was lonely and unsettling, it was easier than putting the pieces of my heart back together. I didn’t need a heart here.  I didn’t need to try, or live in fear of failure because I already was one.  But then again, that’s not what I wanted to be. Living without a heart, without motivation was not living, it was just waiting to die. I had so many things I wanted to see and accomplish, I couldn’t let them die.

I struggled against its influence as it took me deeper into the darkness. I wanted to make it to the top of that mountain. I wanted to reach out my hand and know that I would not fall as I snatched my dreams out of the air. I fought against the darkness and began to feel its control over me lessen.

I began to navigate my way back to the base of my mountain and away from the darkness. As the light began to reach me again, I began to climb. I ignored the calling of the darkness as I made my way further and further up the side. As I climbed, I began to find fragments of my heart. I pieced back together what I could, knowing that it would never truly be whole. After a while the darkness stopped calling to me and the light became brighter. I climbed on and on, never stopping, never questioning, until I reached to place that I had fallen from.

It was different from the last time I was here and as looked back down at my path I realized my entire mountain had changed. As I looked up to my dreams I realized they too had changed. They were no longer taunting me, or flying away. They were reaching out for me just as I was reaching out for them. As I reached farther out I could feel my pulse quicken as I realized I was about to fall again. They were so close I could almost touch them; they grazed my fingertips as extended my body as far as it could go. I was almost there; I was closer than I had ever been before. I lunged for them as my last hope, and I felt myself begin to fall back towards the waiting darkness. Then I was jerked up. My dreams stared at me from above as they held me from falling back into the abyss. I had reached them, and they were never going to let me go.

 


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