An Ode to Snow

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Because eight feet of snow is great for your health.

Submitted: April 13, 2008

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Submitted: April 13, 2008



An Ode to Snow

When you're really bored, you write odd stuff. Like an ode to frozen water. Whatever an ode is. It is a word, isn't it? Anyways, Mr. Spring has finally drug his lazy butt out of bed and is smashing the toes Jack Frost has in the doorway. After a winter like this, I have to say something about it. We did, after all, get about eight feet of snow in the valley over the course of the winter. Shovel that much snow and after a while you start to look like Arnold, and visions of snow shovels dance in your head. 

But, perhaps you live in Florida, or New Mexico, or maybe the Sahara Desert where most people have never heard of snow, and you can't take advantage of this wonderful excersise program. Well, you can heave a sigh of relief, for I have a solution. Run down to your local hardware store and pick up several dump truck loads of cinder blocks and distibute them evenly over your mile-long driveway. (Note: If you are riding a camel, this step may take some time.) Now, on your last trip, don't forget to pick up a very sturdy snow shovel. Again, if there is no record of snow falling within a hundred and thirty miles of where you live, you may have to pre-order one.

Now to put the excersise program to work. Very carefully stack seven or eight cinder blocks on the shovel (the scoop part, not the handle end), and carry this three hundred and seventy nine steps uphill. Now heave it above your head onto the top of a pile that is already so high you could not see a Brachiosaurus standing directly on the other side. Repeat. Continue until aren't sure you have arms anymore, and it feels as if the very same Brachiosaurus is break-dancing on your back every time you look at a shovel. At this point you may take a short break, swallow a bottle of Advil, and use several strained colorful adjectives as you stretch your back.

Continue this process for several days. Then realize you have covered your propane tank and will have to move the pile in order to have the tank refilled and thus not freeze to death. A very long string of colorful adjectives may be in order at this point. Also, if the temperature outside is a hundred and thirty seven degrees Fahrenheit, the propane tank may take some imagination. Take your pile of cinderblocks, now rivaling Mt. McKinley in height, and move it an additional eighty or nintey steps.

After eight or nine months of this, you will almost be ready for a winter like the one we just had.


Have a nice day.

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