The Dog Food Diet

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
I acted on a whim and really got these people going.

Submitted: January 04, 2008

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Submitted: January 04, 2008

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Radar just sat there, looking at me. He was very hard to ignore. His expression was somewhere between "hunger" and "starvation", even though he had just finished his second bowl of dog food for the day. Radar is a hundred-and-six pound English Mastiff, spoiled rotten, and one of my best friends in the world. He requires three square meals a day, and even then he still thinks he's dying of malnutrition. I had considered opening a fifty-pound sack of dog food and letting him have at it, just too see how much he could actually eat, but decided that the mess that would likely come as a result wasn't worth it. I figured I could find better ways to spend my time than cleaning up dog barf.

Radar is a funny dog, with an uncanny way of wimpering when you give him bad news, almost like he understands you. I call him Radar as a joke, because he couldn't smell a steak (or anything else, for that matter), if you duct taped it to his nose.

"That's it, pal. You just ate yourself out of house and bone. No more food 'till I can make a run to the store."

He wimpered.

"Fine. Hold down the fort. I'll be back."

He woofed and I pushed the skin on his head down over his eyes. Then I grabbed my jacket and keys and went out the door.

Ten minutes later I pulled up in front of the local ranch and feed store. I walked in, made my selection, and went to one of the checkout registers. I grunted as I hefted the fifty-pound sack to the counter so the checker could scan it.

"This for your dog?"

She was a college-age girl, just making the usual checker-customer small talk, but on an impulse I said, "No."

She looked up at me, a quizzical expression on her face.

"Then who's dog is it for?"

"Oh, it's not for anybody's dog, it's for me."

Her brow crinkled incredulously.

"What? You're joking, right?"

I managed to keep a straight face and shook my head.

"No. I'm starting the Dog Food Diet again."

Her eyebrows went up and she got a look on her face that said, "Wonderful. Now I'm dealing with a certified nutjob.".

"No, I'm serious. Dog food, at least the good kinds, like this brand here, is nutritionally complete and very low in fat, and therefore an excellent food, and not just for dogs."

That got the the attention of everybody in line behind me, so I continued on.

"Now this is Purina's best stuff, and it'll do the job, but if you can afford it, Science Diet is the best. Personally, I think it tastes better too, but that's just my opinion. Unfortunately, I can't afford that very often, so it's kind of a treat when I can."

I now had the attention of everyone within earshot.

"The idea is to fill your pockets with nuggets, and then, whenever you get hungry during the day, you just eat a couple of them. The taste grows on you after a while, too."

A guy two people back rolled his eyes, snickered and said, "You're just yankin' our chains," but then he glanced at me with a look that said, "Right?".

It was getting really, really hard to hold a straight face.

I shook my head again, "No sir, I'm as serious as a stroke. Although, you do have to be careful. Last time I tried it, I woke up in the hospital with tubes coming out of every orifice in my body."

My collective audience gasped.

The checker's hand went to her mouth and she asked, "What for? It wasn't because of something in the food, was it?"

"Oh, no. Not at all. See, I had just finished the last of some Science Diet I had bought, and I was sitting in the street licking myself when this idiot wasn't paying attention, came around the corner, and hit me. I guess it was kind of my fault, but I still wasn't very happy with the guy. The doctors said that, excepting being hit by the car, of course, I was one of the healthiest people they had seen come through."

I paused and frowned, thinking.

"If I remember right, at that time I had been on the diet for about six weeks."

Then I chuckled, "One of doctors asked me how I had gotten such good cholesterol, so I told him about the Diet. He looked into it and said that, yeah, it was actually a pretty good thing.

Somebody said, "Yeah, and which doctor was that?"

"Um, I think that was Dr. Malcom, over in Carson."

I had to get out before I became incapacitated right there!

Suddenly I looked at the checker and said, "So how much will that be?"

She blinked and shook her head, like she was coming out of a trance.

"What? Oh...um, $24.06."

"Okay...here you go," I handed her $25.00.

She fumbled with the change for a second, then handed it to me. When she did she looked into my eyes and said, "Were you okay after you got hit?"

"Oh, sure, I was fine, after three weeks of rehab. Boy! You talk about a pain in the neck! It was, and I mean literally! Well, have a good one, and remember, Science Diet is the best, if you decide to try it. It's really worked for me. Anyways, see you later."

I grunted as I hefted the heavy bag onto my shoulder and walked out of the store. I walked to my SUV, opened the back, and heaved the bag in. Then I went around and got in behind the wheel.

Twenty minutes later, I was able to see well enough through the tears streaming down my face that I didn't think I would be a safety hazard to the other people the road as I drove home.

There for a second, I almost worried somebody might take me seriously and try the diet. Almost.


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