All this is new. So contradictory to who I was and who I would like to think I am. Is it so easy to fall off the bandwagon? Is it so easy to loose the values I have set for myself? I need to find out why this is happening to me. I just need to know. There is no way I can accept what is happening just for the sake of accepting. There has to be a reason….or could it be that the “real” me was in hiding all along?
I am caught up in the situation. Padrone is invading my thinking, my dreams, my whole life.The whole situation is euphoric. Is this how it feels when you fall in love? I fell in love with guys I dated before I got married. I fell in love with my husband when I met him, but why is this so different? This guy has just taken me to a higher level of “falling in love”, if there are such things as levels of falling in love. I don’t know how to define this. Have you ever been at a point where you feel totally comfortable with someone; where you can completely be yourself? I am at this point and this is what throws me. I don’t know how to handle this.
The most ironic is, I know it is not lust. I always used to gauge guys when in an embrace with them. If their hands start to wander too quickly where it should not, I loose interest immediately. I have this in my mind that if this happens, the guy is not really into you but into what he can get.Not once did Padrone’s hands wander unnecessarily, although I could sense that he was struggling to retain himself. We are seeing each other for almost eighteen months now and have not gone further than hugging and kissing; this gives me an indication that he is really into me.
Every time we see each other, it feels like the first time. Can this be because we don’t see each other regularly? We do have regular contact though. Every time we meet I feel complete; like my other half has been found. From the messages he sends me and the way he talks when we are together, I know he feels the way I do. I admit that lately I dream making love to him and I also know that he is not going to make the first move. You might think there is something wrong with him, but believe me, he is all male and has no lack of testosterone.
I decide that I will make the first move. I pick up the phone and dial his number. “Hello.” His smooth voice always make my heart skip a beat and knowing what I am about to suggest, makes my heart beat even faster.
“Hi there, how are you?” I respond. “I am well thanks and how are you doing?” He is always so polite, a real gentleman. “I’m doing fine, just missing you.” I reply.
“Yeah, the feeling is mutual,” he replies with a sigh. This is my chance as I can hear the emotion in his voice.
“May I ask you something?” I asked nervously. I am nervous because what I am about to ask is not something a modest girl can do easily. “Sure, go ahead”, he replies. “Uhhmm, can I book us into a lodge on Friday?” There, it is out. This was difficult. He’s not answering immediately and I begin to wonder if this was premature. “Do you want to?” he asks unnecessarily. Of course I want to. Why does he think am I asking? Must he make it more difficult? “Yes.” That’s all I manage to get out. “Yes, ok.” He says. “I will book and send you the details, bye,” I say hurriedly in case he changes his mind. I don’t know if he replied as I put the phone down immediately. I have mixed feelings of excitement, anxiety, nervousness and whatever else one can experience. I am out of breath as I look up the number for a lodge that is central for both of us. I find a number, pick up the phone and dial the number. I book in for one night only, although I know that we will not spend the night, but one cant book for the day only.
I am waiting for an sms or a call from him to call off our rendezvous. I don’t know why I suddenly feel so unsure. Did I perhaps read him wrong? Does he also want what I want? Should I rather call it off before he does? Round and round all these questions go in my head. The next two days is the worst I ever experienced. The doubts, the uncertainty whether he will honour the arrangement is gnawing at me. I should not do this. Maybe it is better if he does call it off. If he does, it will be my sign that it is not to be.
I have to leave for the lodge now. He hasn’t contacted me yet and I am too scared to contact him. I send him an sms to remind him of the arrangement. He replies that he will meet me there. I am so excited. I cant wait.
Entering the premises of the lodge, I look around to see if I can spot his car. It is nowhere in sight. Ok, I will go in and confirm my arrival at the reception. The lady hands over the key to the room they have reserved for me.
I enter the room and my eyes fall on the double bed. My nerves are shot. He obviously knows the reason behind my suggestion. If I was a smoker I would have smoked one cigarette after the other by now. I sit on the bed to test if it is fine. I get up, look through the window to see if he has arrived. I don’t see his car yet. Oh yes, I must sms him the room number. He does not have to go to reception. I’m getting worried that he will not show. Damn, what did I think? I’m a married woman and here I am planning to make love to another man. It will serve me right if he decided not to come. I suddenly feel exhausted. All this excitement and planning and anticipation sucks. I want my life to return to normal. I can not handle being on this never ending roller coaster anymore. Even if he does show, I am going to tell him it was all a mistake. I don’t want this anymore.
I look through the window again. Oh hell, there’s his car! He has arrived! What am I going to do? I have to regain my composure. Using my hand, I fan myself as if it will help. There’s a knock on the door. I walk to the door, unlock and open it.
“Hi Tammie,” he smiles as he greets. That smile is my weakness. Just looking at it makes everything I had a on my mind a minute ago, evaporate like mist in the sun. All the feelings I have for him return with his smile. “Hi” I reply with a nervous smile. That is all I can get out at the moment. I move away from the door, he comes in and locks it behind him. I don’t know what to do. Must I sit down, must I keep on standing, must I go to him and kiss him. This time around, my palms are sweating. I look at him without saying anything and the look in his eyes immediately puts me at ease. His eyes are so soft, so gentle. I can see his heart through his eyes. No-one, including my husband, has ever looked at me like this. I am not kidding myself. There is a tenderness in them that takes my breath away.
He comes closer, bends his head and plants a featherlike kiss on my lips. The blood is rushing through my veins and I am incapable to do or say anything. He takes my hands, lifts it to his lips one at a time and kisses the back of each hand. I still haven’t said a word. All I can do is stare into his eyes to read what is on his mind and heart. He reciprocates my stare as if he too is searching for something. My breathing is becoming rapid and I can see from the heaving of his chest that he is experiencing the same. He motions me towards the bed and presses me down in a sitting position. He sits down next to me, cups my face with his hands and starts to kiss my forehead, my eyes, bites my nose ever so lightly and plants another kiss on my lips. I move closer to intensify the kiss but he has already moved and gives my chin a soft bite. He returns to my mouth and gently starts sucking my bottom lip. I immediately retaliate by sucking his upper lip. He gives one groan, his hands fall away from my face and he envelopes me in his arms. I lean against him so hard as if to be absorbed into his body. The world has stopped turning. Time has ceased to exist. We are on our own planet, just the two of us.
He pushes me back onto the bed, still holding me in his arms, still kissing me with the full onslaught of his previously well controlled emotions. I just know that he is not going to doing anything further and I decide to take the lead. I pull his shirt from his jeans, pull it up to expose his back and my hands are on his back, caressing him, pressing him closer to me. As if this was the cue he was waiting for, he shifts himself onto me and I can feel that he is as ready as can be. The weight of his body on mine causes all my inhibitions, what’s left of it, to disappear. He presses himself into me while devouring me with kisses. I have waited very long for this and I don’t have any second thoughts anymore. His shirt is in the way and I start to unbutton it. Whilst doing so, he ceases to kiss me and stares into my eyes. I remove the shirt from shoulders and he releases his arms from it. I have never seen his bare chest before and the sight of it shoots my blood into all the areas of my body.I move my hand over his chest as if to trace its pattern. He moves off me and starts to unbutton my blouse. I made sure I was wearing a blouse, because I imagined him slowly undoing the buttons. It’s happening just as I thought. It’s open and he stares at my breasts that are still held in bondage by the brassiere. He kisses each one of them in turn and removes my shirt. His lips are now directed towards midriff and I feel slightly uncomfortable because of the few stretch marks which bare witness that I have been pregnant before. I do not have to worry. He does not even seem to notice it.
In one swift movement, he turns onto his back and at the same time pulls me on top of him. His hands are now behind my back searching for the catch of the bra to free my breasts from their bondage. I feel it giving way and my breasts fall forward towards his mouth as if they had directions to do so. He catches one nipple between his lips and nudge at it softly. The other one also gets a turn. He surely knows how to get a response from them. He cups my breasts with his hands and in turn directs each of them to his mouth. His hands move toward my skirt to untie the strap holding it together. It is a fold over skirt and only two straps are holding it in place. I have thought of everything. The skirt comes loose and with one movement he discards it to the floor. There is now only one thing left to be removed. It does not sound decent to mention the name. He removed it so gently in between the soft caresses and turns me onto my back again. I feel slightly uncomfortable being naked and had to do something as well to distract his attention. My hands are searching for the buckle of his belt. I undo it and immediately go for the button and zipper of his jeans. He takes over and removes his pants and underwear.All I can do is stare at him. As if he knows that I feel a little shy, maybe him as well, he takes the cover of the bed and covers both of us. He pulls me closer to him and our bodies meet skin on skin for the first time in eighteen months. Holding me close to him, he starts to kiss me again. This time I can sense his urgency, but do I mind? The feeling is mutual. We are delving into one another’s mouths, poking, licking, sucking, probing. If we could go deeper, I’m sure we would have done just that. There is only one thing to do in order to get as close to each other as possible. As if he could read my mind, I feel him moving my legs in order to settle himself in between. He does not have to invite me twice and I allow him to settle himself comfortably. I can now feel his desire better than ever and as he is searching for the door, I gladly help him to find the entrance.
As he enters, deep groans escape from both our throats, not because of anything untoward …but because of total, utter, sheer, absolute pleasure and ecstasy.
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