I wasn't supposed to be this person; this wasn't supposed to be me. It happened before I could even catch myself, it happened before I could turn my head to look back, it happened before I could remember to breathe, it happened before I had even realised it happened. It happened, I fell...
This downward spiral has taken all from me, you have stolen what I needed most at this time, you have stolen my certainty. From you I sought happiness, contentment, and that silly little thing, love. Instead you made me your possession, you gave me a halo, and the stamp of perfection and then set me on a pedestal so impossibly high. From that pedestal I've fallen haven't I? I'm not that girl that perfection that angel. I'm me, and I can't be anyone else even for you.
I'm tired of the stupid love songs that make me cry, I'm tired of the silly poems that can't express this pain, I'm tired of pretending I'm unaffected, I'm tired of the mind games, I'm tired of wanting what doesn't exist. I'm so very tired of waiting for you to be that person you so obviously can't be. I'm tired to the very core of my being of this loneliness.
Jason, do you remember the beginning the beginning of all that couldn't be. I remember the first time I met you. You were with Roxanne your ex; she was so young, pretty and although you couldn't see it, in pain. You walked in the front door returning from golf, I was sitting with Roxy your step sister and one of my dearest and closest friends. Roxy had wanted to do my make-up she wanted you to see how pretty I was, and I went along with it because it was Roxy and for her I would do anything. You see Jason at that stage I had already ruled you out in my mind, you were in a relationship, you were Roxy's step brother and I thought you deadly dull, from previous conversations. So when you walked in and our eyes met I felt nothing. I know not what you felt. At one stage perhaps I would have wanted to know, but not any more, it no longer matters. I thought it strange that not two weeks after meeting you officially, you began talking to me, properly at least. But not one to dwell on the complexities of men I forgot about it and continued with life.
I remember how our conversations took on a more intimate tone and although I could not deny your charm and ability to make me smile you were in a relationship and that was something I couldn't allow myself to forget. Occasionally however I did, mistake number one in a long list of mistakes. Then Daniel came into my life sweet earnest Daniel, completely devoid of charm. Saying yes to Daniel was a mistake yes, he deserved better than me and what I gave him but Daniel was never the mistake you were. It's at moments like these when I'm at my most vulnerable that I miss the simplicity of Daniel his quiet shy adoration of me. The adoration I never noticed because I was too caught up in your sugared honeyed lies. Oh Daniel if only I could apologise to you, but I wont, you need your space to get over me. To this day I will not understand why I gave you the whole story of Daniel and me, in telling you that I gave you the power to me, to getting me. You became a novelty something I wasn't used to. Daniel was never eloquent like you were, he never surprised me, and he always did what I expected him to do. Daniel was tame you were unleashed. You weren't predictable back then; you caught me off guard and delightfully unsettled me. Stuck in a relationship where I felt trapped and suffocated forced to pretend a fondness for someone I only saw as a friend you became the excitement, the novelty, the one I wanted
To you I became an obsession. You couldn't rid yourself of the thought of me and the idea of dating me. I became so highly unobtainable that you became consumed with the idea of possessing me, so consumed that you chased me for five months. Two of which you were involved in a relationship and a further two of which I was involved in a relationship. Not used to being so sought after I was flattered, my vanity stroked and the romantic in me appeased. So it came to be that I broke up with Daniel, very neatly dumped pretty excuses on his head and made him think it was his fault and consequently broke his heart. Infatuation is a selfish emotion that is all I can offer as an excuse. Two weeks later you asked me out. To say I said yes without a thought would be the easy route out, but it would be a lie. No, I did not rush into it, I thought it through weighing up the pro's and con's the con's being the larger party. I didn't realise it then but you had captured my imagination, I thought you were the one who would give me what I had always secretly longed for, that feeling of being desired being wanted being loved. I had become utterly infatuated with you. So I said yes, replied to your message and eagerly awaited your reply. But it didn't come. Only now I see that, that was the beginning of the end.
I guess to say that there weren't any good times would be unfair, because undoubtedly there were. But somehow I can't remember them and if by chance I do, it's with a pang of hurt and anger because it was all a lie, a lie that I swallowed but only now am I beginning to choke on it.
We had one month, a month to enjoy it all, the newness the excitement of this infatuation, that month was so surreal. Like being in a dream, anticipation making everything more exciting more beautiful, a fantasy world of things to come. But the things to come never came, excuse after excuse I made for you, all the while waiting for things to change. It's always been waiting with us, hasn't it? You waiting five months for me and me waiting for you to step up, always waiting. The second month arrived and you didn't remember but it was ok I didn't think you would. At that second I realised it was the first time you had done something I expected. From then on it became a relationship of expectations fulfilled the wrong kind of expectations. The kind when you never, not once called me. You no longer told me I was beautiful, you no longer left sweet messages; you just were never what you were supposed to be. Then there was that awful week the week I realised I'd fallen for you. We didn't speak for a week you're phone wasn't working and you were going to get a new one. For one whole agonising week I pretended denied ignored the startling truth, I missed you. Somehow I don't think you missed me. Then came our ‘fight' the one where we didn't talk for two weeks again the excuse of your phone. This time the part of me I'd lied to and made excuses to, refused to believe the other part of me, the infatuated part. Finally I couldn't take the confusion and the hurt anymore so I confronted you. You wanted me to take the reigns of our relationship to be the one who makes the first move. But Jason I can't do that and what's more you know I cant.
Jason three months is around the corner will you remember will you even acknowledge it or will we just drift further and further apart. What happened Jason? I need to know. You need to set me free. Give me the chance to get over you, the way I think you've gotten over me. Please don't string me along I beg you! I can bear anything but that. Anything.
I need to find peace, the peace you took from me. I need truth and light. I'm drowning in lies and darkness. I need to let you go but I can't not until you let go of me. It's been a pretty fantasy this relationship of ours. But the magic's gone, the sparkle has vanished, the fantasy has faded. Set me free.
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