A Personal Rant;

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Pretty much just my ranting and venting concerning "physical appeal" associated with my eating disorder and such..(*previously posten on my Tumblr account)

Submitted: November 16, 2011

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Submitted: November 16, 2011

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I just fucking hate the fact that there are still people out there that still find me attractive;

Seriously. Not trying to sound all arrogant and whatnot, but uighbdjskbndjsakd.

I hate when people tell me that I look “good”, or “beautiful” or “healthy” - really fucking hate that “healthy” shit!!!

I’m not trying nor wanting to look like any of those things.

I want people to be disgusted at the sight of me; I want people to look at me and literally feel some of my pain, as if this monster on the inside were tangible to the outside world. I want it to hurt when people look at me, I want them to stare in amazement - at how something so lifeless still manages to drag it’s feet from one place to the next. People don’t understand this.

People don’t understand why I’d want to look “ugly” and “unattractive”. I just simply hate how my pain can be physically appealing to anyone. That is what I’m trying to personify here - my pain, my demons within.

I want everyone to see this creature that lives inside me, that barks and howls, that cuts me down and forces me to be its servant. I want them to see the daily struggle I face everyfuckingwakingmoment of everyfuckingmiserable day of my miserablefuckinglife. It hurts. When it doesn’t hurt it’s because this thing has taken me to a place where I’m more dead than alive.

I’d rather be dead.
I hate feeling.
All I feel is shit.
But that’s okay, right? ‘Cause on the outside I still look “good”, “beautiful”, “healthy”.

Well, FUCKYOU!
Fuck you for making me feel like I need to be the thinnest, the palest, the sickest to show that I’m not having fucking fun here.
And FUCK YOU, for making me realize that it’s hopeless. I’m fucking hopeless.

No matter how thin I get, no matter how sick I am - there will always be some sick fuck out there thinking “Well, isn’t she lovely”.

 


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