A Dogs Life - The Tail of Alfie

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the tale of an over-opinionated Yorkshire Terrier named Alfie.

This story consists of his thoughts about living with 'these humans', the way in which he views the World and his rivalry with the neighbours dog, Norm.

Part 1

Submitted: June 23, 2014

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Submitted: June 23, 2014

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Al’righ. How ya doin’? The name’s Alf or Alfie if I’ve been a ‘good boy’

Christian name of Alfred, although to tell ya truth, I tend to run a mile when I hear it. I only get called that when I’ve been a ‘bad boy.’

This is a short tale of how I came to be with these humans, don’t ask where I picked em’ up from! Ain’t got a Scooby Doo!

As I said, me name’s Alf. Although found out that if her over there, yeah her, brown haired lass had had her way I’d be answering to Ringo. Yeah, you read that right readers. RINGO! Can you imagine the shame of walkin’ through the park and being shouted back?

‘Ringo? Ringo? Come here Ringo, there’s a good boy!’ Reckon I’d leg it! Friggin’ catch me if ya can love, I’m off!

No way would I admit that my name was bleddy Ringo! That’s worse that Norman! And Norman is about as bad as it gets. Any how, I’m getting off subject.

Welcome to my gaff. Nice ain’t it? This is my bedroom. Obviously, because my bed’s in ere. Not much to say about it really, other than its red, it’s under a radiator and right next to a door. Bright sparks these humans I live with ain’t they? Though, can’t complain about them too much (when I do, I get the “Alfred” speal!)

Been ere over two years now, and by all accounts, life is pretty good if I’m honest! All I do is sleep, well do ya know how many siestas is takes to remain this fabulous darlin’?

 Got em’ all wrapped around my bleddy little paw I have! They do everything for me, just have to grumble a bit and they come runnin’! It’s great! Get crackin’ dinners an all. I’ll never go hungry, well only when me mother (suppose I should call her that even though she looks nothin’ at all like me) gives me that dog meat! I mean I know I’m a dog but Jesus woman you try and eat that crap and see if you like it! Anyway, like I say, life is good. I like em’. These humans.  Their al’righ.

Changed me life, the day I met them though. I’ll never forget it.

 

*

For the first few weeks of me life, I was behind bars.

I know what you’re thinkin’ you cheeky git, I should still be behind bars!

Anyway, I was behind bars, on a hard, cold kitchen floor with my family I guess. My brothers and sisters and me mum. Can’t remember what they look like, but taking a wild guess I reckon they looked like me. Just not as handsome of course.

Turns out the humans we were staying with, were selling us for cash, so one by one my brothers and sisters left till I was the only one left with mum, which I didn’t mind. I might act all tough but I’m a right mummy’s boy at heart! Then one day, mid afternoon I was just minding my own business, doing what 10 week old puppies do, sleep, eat, fart you know and these humans turn up out of the blue. Not invited, well not by me anyway. I wasn’t really bothered at first, but then I saw him.

This bloke. This geezer.

I dunno what it was about him, but I was curious. So I did the same as any other dog would have done when faced with a stranger in their home. I went to investigate.

Turns out this geezer didn’t actually want me! Can you believe that! Not wanting moi? So I turned on the old (well it was fairly new at that time actually) charm and went for him. All guns blazin’! Went over, was going to shake his hand and introduce meself, but it might come as a bit of shock to you but I have paws and can’t actually talk! Idiot!

So instead, I went over, all shy and gave him ‘the look,’ you know the one, ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ and that was it. He was mine! He picked me up, and stroked me on the head. It was working!

Then, I heard her before I saw her.

“Aww isn’t he cute?”

Bleddy hell love, do you want me to go deaf? And of course I’m cute! I’m a Yorkshire Terrier! All us Terriers are cute (apart from the ugly mutt next door, but I’ll get to him in a bit.)

And that was that. They never put me down! Result!

Although, there was one little problem, I was stuck in a bit of a ‘love triangle.’ Yeah, I know! At my tender age! Apparently, the bird selling us for cash wanted to keep me (can’t blame her really, I’d keep me.) Anyway, like they say. The rest is history. I knew I’d be better off with these suckers, and I was right. I’ve been making their life a living hell ever since!

The journey ‘home’ is a blur to be honest. I was in a bit of frenzy about being sold on the cheap! 280 quid she paid for me! £280! I’m worth at least £350 and that’s being flippin’ generous! Needless to say, I didn’t like the car! It’s a strange sensation you know, moving when you’re sat crappin’ yourself because you ain’t got a clue where you’re going!

Finally, after the journey from hell the car pulled up at the gaff. There I was shaking in me mam’s arms, when she knocked on the door.

‘What the hell you knocking on the door for? You live ere don’t ya? Christ sake! Found meself a right pair ere!’

It’s gonna be a right barrel of laughs living with these two…

The door opened.

Now I know why she knocked on the door. For cryin’ out loud! There’s another one!


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