Last night I really noticed.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Personal experiences and issues.

Submitted: December 19, 2013

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Submitted: December 19, 2013



Last night I really noticed.
My eyes started to get wet immediately.
There even was a tear running on the side of my nose when I looked at you.
You didn’t seem to see so I whipped it away.
But it was true.
Unfamiliarly true.
I knew the narcissists, the schizophrenics, the lazy ones.
I might have been a fool sometimes.
But it had never just been lost to me when I realized the harm of being together with each and every one.
No, I always learned and got the best out of it and then moved on after not such a long time of grief.
But just this night I realised that this was definitely different.
I realised I loved you so much, like never before I ever loved anyone, so much that I thought I could even love you unconditionally.
Even with my struggles with other people around me.
I could love you even when it would take me so much power, struggles, fighting, battles.
Earlier that night I just imagined you dying and being apart from you.
That made me just want to hold you so tight.
And when I really realised that night my eyes got wet immediately.
You looked in my eyes and did not see my tear.
We talked in bed about what we would be like in 20 years and how time was moving faster and faster getting older.
Before I met you I hated the thought of turning 40.
I didn’t want to turn 22. I wanted to be dead before.
You changed my view and gave new hope.
Hesitating, but still hope and still energy to continue for a while.
Just to be able to hold you.
Suddenly I picked up my strongest reason why I had been continuing all that time before.
Music, songs and writing.
I needed it.
I needed to think about reasons to go on, reasons for my suffering, just huge reasons to fight.
Make this pain have a reason. This daily struggling.
So you gave me so much.
And love like I never felt it.
I wanted to give myself to you again.
You earned it.
But the very same night it all turned.
I had to face that I was probably not made for loving.
But the dreams, the faith, the reasons to go on have grown too tall to attempt another self destruction now.
So the only thing I find myself saying is: Please come home, I’m so tired of feeling horrible.
Because I promised myself not to try another plastic bag and coves after something like this again.
I’d probably take it all off anyway.
I’ll just wait for you and see, wait for you to come home.
To realise what I already realised that very same night. Then I know I will always let you go free and probably build another wall before I allow myself to ever realise this again.

-Sharon Miedema.

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