On occasion, especially when introducing myself to a new potential friend, I have been known to admit to my selfishness. Selfishness is charactered by a "stinginess resulting from a concern for your welfare and a disregard of others" (WordNetWeb). 'Stinginess' sounds correct. I'm very stingy with my own time. I come first. If it's between a crying roommate or an exam that needs to be studied for, I choose the exam. I always choose me. I've been known to choose me. 'Concern for your own welfare' ... I agree with that one too. My first instinct, and I feel as if I'm not alone on this one, though maybe I take it to unlikely extremes, is that of self-preservation. I grew up the way I did. We all have our childhoods; we all have pasts that shape us into who we are today. The thing is I'm just today realizing how my selfishness manifests. Not in the sense that it's hurting my friendships and my family, but... maybe in that sense. I realize what selfish means to me. I see the right now and the immediate future. I never think longterm. I never think of the past; history is as quickly forgotten as it happened. I was going through old facebook messages - sure glad it keeps those - and i was rummaging through all the people I used to talk to, all the people I considered my friends. And then, sadly, I was seeing what had happened between the friendships. I saw friends trying to reach out a number of times, without me even sending a one-word response. And soon, those people stopped trying. It wasn't as if I ever tried in retun. And I think this is the main point of my selfishness. I forget. I forget everyhing. I forget those I loved, those I hated, those little memories that usually people remember. I just move on because I'm so focused on me, so focused on me in the right now. It's terrible, really. I have this friend that says realization, though, is not enough. It's about what we do to change the things we realize about ourselves. So this entry wasn't to point out my selfishness, but to point out my plan to counteract some of the horribleness inherent in me. To cure selfishness. Where do I begin? Any advice. I think first things first. I'm going to try to reconnect to some fo the people of my past life. I don't know yet. I think I'm going to make a plan, but I never stick to those. I'm scared. I guess more than anything else, I scare myself. I've let go of so many people in my life; to the ones who stuck around, WOW. To those who left, I understand. And to those who left and I am not willing to try with, thank you. I see some friendships as entryways pushing us both reciprocally to our next stops along this cliched journey of life. Maybe we'll come across each other soon. Or maybe I should try with you once again. Are you willing to try with me? Who knows.
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