Changing Jaynie

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A diary entry from a girl called Jaynie, she's been having a rough time as do most teenagers but Jaynie is finding it harder than most, all these changes in her life so to keep up with these changes or to distract herself from them she chooses to change herself.

Submitted: January 01, 2012

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Submitted: January 01, 2012

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Dear Diary,

I just need to get this out, I changed everything about myself and I mean everything. I stopped wearing glasses, I dyed my hair from blonde to dark brown, I changed the way I dressed and started wearing make-up. I became so… obsessed with changing myself I didn’t even stop to think why?

I mean why did I want to change myself? I didn’t even stop to realise I didn’t need to change, I was doing well at school, I was comfortable in myself, I was enjoying my life but most importantly I had amazing friends. Amazing friends. 

 

I guess I thought I was growing up. With so many changes going on in my life I felt that I needed to change too. What with moving schools, starting A-Levels and having to adjust to new friends, then I started arguing with my mum. A lot. So much had changed in a year and then finally the breaking point for me, my mum kicking me out while my dad was away and couldn’t stop her.

The truth is, no one knows the full story. My full story.  I’m a closed person, people even tell me so. But I’m working on it. No matter what happens to me I rarely tell people, I don’t want their pity or for them to feel sorry for me, I don’t want them to treat me differently because then things change ONCE again.

So basically, I had an argument with my mum and I lost it and I shouted at her, so she kicked me out. So there I was, phone less, money less, and only wearing a t-shirt and jeans in July. I ended up walking to the park and sitting on a bench and let me just say, I’ve never cried so much in my life. I then decided to walk to one of my best friends house and as soon as I saw him I once again started crying, but he phoned a friend for me and she said I could stay with her. So he lent me his ipod and I walked a hour walk to the train station. When I got to off the train my friend had come to meet me. I ended up staying with her for a week before had to go home because she was going away.

 

It was that week that I realised I had stumbled across the best friend id ever had/have.

Since being back at home things have probably been worse, but every day I put on a brave face and smile at school, and yeah I enjoy being at school, mostly because its not home. But every day at some point I have to return home and usually end up crying myself to sleep.

Then more recently my mum walked out. She didn’t want anything to do with me or my sister. Things seemed to get better for a bit, harsh I know but things were better without her around and I got happy again, however she kept causing problems and the police were always at our door. Then she tried to basically kidnap my younger brother and sister. Finally she came back and my dad let her back in to our lives.

So much change and I looked in the mirror and all I could see was that sad, frightened person from before. So I changed myself again. Dyed my hair, changed my clothes and changed the way I put on make-up.  I also changed my friendship group as they all knew what had happened with my parents.

I regret that so much. That amazing best friend I had? We hardly talk, and earlier I was looking at our facebook pictures and yes I cried because I want her to be there for me again, to be that best friend. But why should I deserve it?

Then my mum walked out on us again. I nearly died my hair blonde again. And that’s when I realised every time something changes, I try to change myself. But I didn’t, I’m going to stay how I am now. I’m going to look past it and realise people can’t bring me down anymore, it my life and I need to live it for me.

So I might not have my best friend, I may have a broken family and no mother, the fact I feel I can talk to no one except sit behind a keyboard and write all this, but this is a big step for me, to be able to let anyone to see it, to see I’m not that strong girl but inside I’m so weak and just want someone to hold me.

Im applying to uni and so hopefully going there next year, where no one knows me and I can be anyone I want to be, probably my most drastic change and hopefully my last.

And to the best friend mentioned here, you know who you are, and I’m sorry, I know you most probably will never see this but you helped me through a hell of a lot and I owe you, I’m sorry for not being the best friend to you that you were to me.  However I have a new best and he’s great, he’s a good listener and he’s fun, plus he cares a lot.

Looking through these photographs noticing the change and missing how things used to be, last family Christmas pictures are the hardest. I see this girl who smiles into the camera and I know that smile reaches to her eyes, because she is happy. Now I see a smile that stops at the eyes because I lost my happiness a long time ago. I’m working on finding it again though.

To anyone who may possibly of taken the time to read this, I know it may sound depressing, and for that I’m sorry I just wanted to get it all out. So when you find this, I hope its not too late, I hope I haven't done anything stupid and by that I mean changed myself so much no one recognises me, changed physically as well as mentally. All I'm asking is for someone to help.

And yes, I’m crying while writing this.

Love,

Jaynie.

 

 

 


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