All Of My Titles Already Exist.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Writing is a release, even for a stupid schoolgirl.

Submitted: November 28, 2010

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Submitted: November 28, 2010

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After a few days she began to eat again. She was still wandering around in a mindless blank, but her brain had somehow managed to command her hands and mouth without her knowledge. It had been days since he told her he no longer loved her, but she was still not sure whether or not she believed it. She would see him again – she knew she would. Tomorrow she would have to go outside; she still had to attend school, broken or no. He did not go to her school, so she would be safe. Whether or not she wanted to be safe from him, she couldn’t tell.
She went to school the next day. After a few hours she wished she could be going to see him at the end of the day. It had been her solace for years and now that it was gone she didn’t know what to do with herself. She rushed around for the rest of the day, talking and laughing when necessary. As the day grew on the longing became stronger; she no longer knew what she was doing, and was surprised when the loud sound of the bell signaling the end of the day brought her out of her reverie.
As she left campus, she found herself looking this way and that so quickly she cricked her neck. Maybe she would see him… he often headed this way, after all. After a while she was sure that he was gone. She walked the rest of the way without seeing.
She stared at the ceiling for most of the evening, the desire to eat having left her again. She missed his voice so much it hurt. She would see him tomorrow – she had to. It took all of her energy to stop her legs from lifting her up and taking her to find him. Her heart was thumping madly – she felt it in her chest and could hear it in her ears. She placed her hand on her chest and pressed down hard; as though that would make any difference. Her surroundings steadily grew darker but this did not bother her. What did it matter if the room was dark or not? Neither would settle her. She yearned to hear from him, to know that he still cared. But then, he had no reason to.
Don’t think that, she told herself, but it was too late; the heat of wanting him engulfed her and she tried not to succumb to it but his face had already swirled before her blank eyes. Her surroundings dissolved and he as all that she could see.
She leapt up and paced blindly around the room. She closed her eyes and opened them again as she paced. Stopping and starting, stopping and starting, she was unable to decide what she wanted. She stopped. She took a breath. She had to; otherwise she would soon pass out. She sat down again. Pacing was no good. She wanted one thing, and one thing only and it was the one thing that she could not have. She screwed up her face in frustration and put her head in her hands. It was so unjust – all of it. She lay down, placed her head on her pillow and stared at the ceiling some more. This rather numb state was good. After many long hours she finally drifted off to sleep, only to be haunted by dreams filled with images of him.
It was only the thought of finally, maybe seeing him that got her out of bed the next morning. Her subconscious took control of her movements while her waking brain focused on the picture of his face.
School came. The first hour. She kept her head down and tried to concentrate. She tried to not write his name, just so she could look at it. Second hour. Already, sitting still was agonizing. Her legs twitched involuntarily. She itched to run outside, to find him. Third hour. Interest of any kind in her classes was now gone. Fourth hour. People seemed to notice.
“Are you all right?” they would ask.
“Yes,” she would answer absently.
Fifth hour. So many hours! Surely there were not this many every single day? It was painful. Sixth hour. Please end! Seventh hour…
Finally, she was free. She left as quickly as she could, looking everywhere for him. Maybe today.
She walked as slowly as she could without drawing attention to herself. With every step she took, her heart seemed to beat even harder. She found her way home with no sight of him.
Instead of staring at the ceiling that night she went running. She ran a kilometer. One became two. Two became three. She stopped counting. She ran until she could no longer breathe and her legs collapsed. She sat in the middle of the path and imagined seeing him at that very moment. She breathed and she wanted him. She stood up and she wanted him. She ran home as fast as she could and she wanted him.
The next day did not go as slow as the previous one had. The whole day was really just a blur, where all she saw was him and all she thought was him. Every word she heard spoken sounded like his name. Again she left and looked for him. Her heart leapt every time someone went past her.
And then he was there.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hi,” she whispered.
And then he was gone. She watched him, and longed to go after him, just to look at him one more time. Just to touch him. Nothing else mattered. All that mattered in this world was him. Everything else looked dull compared to the way he shone. He was her light, and without him she was only darkness.


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