Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
These were my thoughts at some point.

Submitted: March 31, 2016

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Submitted: March 31, 2016

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I have loved and been loved yet none compare to the love I feel for you all. If only you's knew how I felt about you, if only you's knew how much I cared about you, if only you's knew how seeing you upset makes me angrier than I've ever been. If only I was stronger. If only I was the one to take the pain away for you's. But alas I am not the one. I am nothing but a shadow of the man I used to be. Love is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I love with all my heart and soul so when I am hurt I react in anger, I become the person I never want to be. I lash out in anger, I make you's feel my anger, I make you's feel my hurt, I make you's seem like you are the one in the wrong, when it is I. I am in the wrong I am always in the wrong. I am the bad one. I am the cause behind the pain and suffering of so many. I AM A BAD PERSON. I hide behind laughter, I hide behind fake smiles and false hope. I am something that I never wanted to be. For I shall always be a shadow. I love yet am rarely loved in return, those that do love me I am happy beyond words for I will never be able to repay you for how you make me feel yet, yet that is not enough for I am greedy I want you all to my self but cannot have that for it is not fair upon others. I crave love and affection so badly I scare you's away. So maybe I am not a bad person but I am very confused as to what I am. Am I bad for wanting what I want? I confuse myself with what I do and how I react.. So how do I explain everything I feel? I can not do that as it is impossible so maybe some of you can relate to these words of mine? Maybe some of you can't? I struggle to express myself clearly so when I do react in anger or react the way I do I am seen as a bad person but surely not all of it is my fault? Surely the blame lies on the other person just as much? Or am I the only one that sees it that way? I have thought about giving up so many times, I often think how life would be without me in it. Would you miss me? Would you cry? Would you understand? I try my best to be there for so many of you and yet that is not enough. I am the sort of person that trusts blindly so when I am not trusted in return it hurts so badly I mean why come to me if you do not trust me? Why make me feel the way I do when it will only hurt me in the end when you do not trust me or you lead me on into thinking that maybe I have a chance? I fall in love very easily, I am a very soft person, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a heart of gold. Yet I am insecure, I am misled I am also a vast fool for believing everything. So should I give up? Should I stop caring? Should I stop loving? I really do not know anymore.. 


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