Awkward Moments in Religious History - Part V

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Moses and the Red Sea Debacle.

Submitted: January 06, 2013

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Submitted: January 06, 2013



Gathering the Israelites around him, Moses led the mass of men, women, children, and livestock to the edge of the Red Sea.

\"What have you done to us?\" the people asked angrily. \"The Egyptians hunt us, and you bring us to ruin by leading us to the shore with no place to run, but back to our deaths?\"

Moses turned from the angry horde. “God?” he whispered, “Little help here. I could use one of those miracles right about now.”

I know, I'm tellin you I'm getting sick and tired of the whole lot of them! It's one thing after another, you figure you create them and they'd try to take care of their own damn problems...

“Ah… God?” Moses tried to interrupt politely.

What? Did you say something? Moses knew the question wasn't directed at him when he heard another voice inside his head.

No I didn't say anything.

Really? Huh, thought I heard something. So anyway, I let my own damn kid get nailed to a wooden cross to purge the sin from people and they still go off and break the commandments! I just don't get it.

“Ah hello, God?” Moses knew he had to interrupt.

There was a long silence. Hello?

“Oh hey God, it's me, Moses.”

Moses! Buddy, how's it goin’ man, listen can you give me a sec, I'm just on the other line.

“Oh by all means Sire, please take your time.” Moses glanced back at the crowd that was gathering and pointing angrily in his direction. He wiped the sweat from his brow and waited anxiously while God finished.

Ya lets pick this up another time ok, I've gotta bail Moses out of another jam I'm sure.

No problem, will we see you at Zeus' potluck?

Zeus is having a potluck? No one told me.

Moses rolled his eyes.

Oh really? Ah... Well he probably just forgot. Anyway, I'll catch you later.

Okay, ya. See you later.

Another silence and finally God returned to Moses. Moses my friend, God said his voice strained, what can I do for you now?

“Yes, hello Sire, sorry to bother you, but I find myself in a bit of situation here, and I'm wondering if I could ask a favor?”

What’s going on? The Lord asked with an edge to his voice.

“Well, it's the people Sire, they're very discontent with being led to the shores of the Red Sea, and as it turns out the Pharaoh had a change of heart, and has sent word that he prefers that we continue to serve as slaves for Egypt and he is sending soldiers to bring us back or perish by their blade.”

Moses heard God yawn inside his head. Oh man, I'm bushed! Sorry M what do you need from me?

“Just a way out Sire, if that's not too much to ask, I know your busy... and tired.” Moses rolled his eyes again.

No, no, don't worry about that I can help you out here. Ah... let me see here, ah... ok, let's try this. Go the waters edge and raise your staff. The water will part for you and all of the faithful. When you have crossed, raise your staff again, and the water will fall and protect you from any that try to follow.

\"Brilliant Sire! I cant imagine walking all this way without you at my side…”

Ya, ya, God interrupted, I’ll talk to you soon Moses, I’ve been invited to a pot luck and I have to go and get ready. I’m sure you understand.

“Ah... yes, well… you enjoy your meal Sire, while I rescue everyone here.” Moses had a hard time keeping the sarcasm from his voice, but God was already gone.

Moses turned back to the people and led them to the water's edge as God had instructed, and when he raised his staff he felt the Eastern winds rise from their place of slumber and part the sea in front of Moses and God's followers, allowing a safe path through the Red Sea.

The journey took many hours, but finally after toiling through the sands of the sea floor, and all the dead fish that were laying in their way, Moses and the quickest of his followers, took their first steps onto solid land once again. Many had yet to cross, but Moses was jubilant, and crawling on his hands and knees, Moses felt the first tears of joy flow from his eyes onto the parched shore of the Red Sea. God's people were safe and it was a time to celebrate.

Raising his arms with staff in hand to the heavens, Moses called to his Lord.

\"Thank you almighty God, creator of all things holy, you have delivered us from the lashes of those that wish to enslave us.\"

The followers looked back at Moses in horror.

Curious, Moses thought to himself, I thought that was a pretty good thank you for saving our lives. Maybe I should say more.

And so once again Moses raised his hands to heaven and spoke. \"Tyranny is not a life worth living, my Lord! You have made it possible for all our people to live a full life, and a life free of hardship and pain!\"

Again the followers shook their heads, and moaned angrily at the words of Moses.

This is getting ridiculous! Moses thought. Ok, one more try.

Thrusting the staff skyward for the third time he shouted from his lips, \"You've saved us good Lord, this is your doing, and in honor of your great gift of freedom from Egypt’s whip, we will celebrate our new lives. Henceforth on this very day each year until the end of our lives we will feast in thanks of you my Lord and this glorious day!”

No change in the onlookers. Moses was met with discontented mummers and angry stares from the crowd.

\"What?\" he cried out in frustration. \"Are my words not praiseworthy enough for the ears of God?\" Moses questioned.

\"Your words are inspired Moses,\" said one of the few that stood before him. \"But when you raised your arms the first time to praise God, you released the water on our brothers and sisters still crossing the sea!\"

\"What?\" Moses realized the staff was still in his arms raised above his head. \"Oh damn,\" he called to the small crowd as the thousands of drowned began to wash up on shore. Not sure God is going to wanna get me out of this one! Moses had to think fast.

\"My bad, my bad.\" Moses raised a hand in acknowledgment. \"This one's totally on me.\"

Moses saw the angry group begin to advance toward him. \"Oh God no!\" he cried pointing to the sky behind the advancing mob.

Turning as one, their eyes followed the path into the sky toward which Moses pointed... and Moses took his opportunity and made a run for it.

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