Awkward Moments in Religious History - Part X

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Noah thins the herd.

Submitted: February 16, 2013

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Submitted: February 16, 2013



Sitting back, Noah wiped the sweat from his brow and contemplated the task he had just completed. Looking to the sky he thanked the Lord for giving him the strength to finish his work.

"Ah... dad?" Noah heard from behind.

"Yes Shem?" he asked.

"You may want to take a look at this!" Shem exclaimed.

Noah turned from his contemplation and looked over the bow of the newly constructed ark. "Holy Shit!" Noah remarked as his gaze swept the horizon and took in the millions of pairs of animals.

"I'm not cleaning out the cages! That's Ham's job." Shem looked in awe at the sight before him and his father. "You know they're not all going to fit right?"

"Ah huh," Noah acknowledged rubbing his beard in wonder.

"Maybe God wanted us to build a second one?" Shem speculated.

"I think he would have mentioned that son!" Shem shrugged and walked away from the scene in front of them?

Noah looked at the numerous animals of every kind. There were many that he didn't even know by name or sight. "Ah, Almighty Lord?" Noah called to the sky.

Noah? Is that you? God panted heavily in Noah's mind.

"Yes Sire, it is I. Would you have a minute for me my Lord?"

God grunted his approval.

"Did I catch you at a bad time my Lord? You sound a little distracted."

No, no, I'm good. Whew! Just finished my workout. The misses got me the new Jane Fonda workout video. I'm telling you Noah her legs could outrun the apocalypse!

"I have no idea what your talking about my Lord, but I trust you're correct."

Don't sweat it Noah, all in good time. Now, what can I do for you?

"Well Sire, I have just completed the Ark as you requested, and lo and behold the animals seem to have arrived right on schedule. But there is just a small problem Sire. They won't all fit on the Ark my Lord."

What? There is only two of each right?

"Yes my Lord, it appears so."

And you built the Ark to my specifications? God asked sternly.

"Indeed Sire, exactly as you requested."

Hmmm... Well, you'll just have to pick out the ones you like Noah.

"Pick out the ones I like Sire?" Noah asked hesitantly.

Ya, you know, the ones that look like they should survive the flood.

"Ah yes of course my Lord. Any suggestions as to how I should do that?"

I'm sure you'll figure it out Noah, your a smart guy. Listen I gotta run, I'm late for Bikram's Hot Yoga!

"I'm sure you are my Lord. A good day to you Sire," and Noah returned his gaze upon the horde before him. Noah held his arms up high and shouted above the din of animal noises. "May I have your attention please?"

The animals turned expectantly and a hush moved through the crowd.

"Thank you. I know you all arrived as a result of a call from God, the Almighty, but it appears that we will not have as much room upon the Ark as previously anticipated."

There were several nervous roars and squawks from the crowd.

"Dinosaurs could you all move to the back please." Many of the dinosaurs looked at each other in confusion and sadness, and then reluctantly moved to the rear.

Noah waited for the commotion to settle down.

"Insects... I'm sorry but I have bad thoughts about many of you, and the thought of not having you on the Ark makes me happy. You may leave."

"Any animal here that has thought of eating me since your arrival... off you go!" Another quarter of the animals left causing Noah some measure of discomfort.

"Anything with both legs and gills, you're seriously creepy... move along."

Noah looked at the result still disappointed with how many animals there were. Suddenly noticing the solution he issued his last decree. "All purple animals, sorry but you probably wouldn't have made it anyway."

Shem came back and looked over the herd and then at his father. "Nice job dad!"

"Thank you son. You do know what this means, don't you?"

"We get to leave soon father?"

"No Shem, it means that you'll be cleaning out the cages now!" Noah smiled to himself as he heard Shem's groan of protest. Stepping off the Ark he moved among the animals preparing his flock for boarding.

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