I’ve heard that when you die, you see a white light that seems to be calling to you. I have also heard that your entire life flashes before your eyes. I, personally, didn’t experience either of
these things. Although, I guess that since I technically didn’t die, I couldn’t tell your for sure. But, I did come very close, and had all intentions of actually getting there.
Dead. Gone. Passed away. Expired. Departed. No More. Perished. Fallen. Extinct. Lifeless. Deceased. Dead as a doornail. Six feet under. Pushing up daisies. All of these terms kept running through my head as I woke up and found that I was still alive. I tried to push the thoughts away, but they just kept coming, especially after I learned all of them did describe Katie. Sweet, innocent Katie.
The poor girl definitely didn’t deserve this fate. She was messed up. She needed help. If only I had known the problem sooner, maybe I could have been more of a help to her. Maybe I could have saved her from herself. I was strong enough to help myself, obviously, but why couldn’t I be a good enough boyfriend to help her.
That was what a boyfriend is supposed to do. He is supposed to keep his girl safe. He is supposed to make her feel like she is the most important person in the world. Instead, I had failed her. I let her think whatever she wanted to about herself. I saw the warning signs, I can’t deny their existance. She never seemed to be happy. She was always complaining about something to do with her looks. She didn’t think she was pretty enough. I can’t believe I let her think that.
No one would ever be as pretty as Katie. No one would ever mean as much to me as Katie did. No one would ever leave as big of an impact on my life as Katie did. When we were together, there wasn’t a part of me that she didn’t affect. I liked myself better when I was around her. She made me feel alive. I realize now that I should have done the same for her. I see that all I did was take, and never gave back, though I should have. I was a leech, and I drew what little life she had left in her away.
The night that everything happened started off normal, as hard as that is to believe. I picked her up from her house and we went out to eat.
Afterwards, she wanted to drive. I, of course, let her. I thought that by letting her do these little things, I would cheer her up just a little bit. I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were going, but before I knew it, we were somewhere that I didn’t recognize.
As I turned to question her, I saw her reach for her purse. Nothing unusual about that, girls always need their purse for something. But instead of lipgloss or makeup or lotion or whatever else she usually kept in her bag, she pulled out a pistol. But, that wasn’t what scared me. The scariest thing I witnessed was the look in her eyes. I will never forget that look for as long as I live. In her eyes I could see all the places I had failed her. All the times she needed me that I wasn’t there. All the tears she had shed. They were all in that one look. I could see the self hatred she felt. And I could see the hatred for me.
The last thing she said to me was, “The problem wasn’t yours. It wasn’t even about you. It was about me. But you didn’t care enough to try to see that. It was as if you didn’t even see the way I felt about myself, the way I still feel. You made me hate you, just as I hate myself. There is no escape for me: I know I won’t change. But you, I know that you will, and I know that after I am gone, you will move on. Maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not the next day, but you will move on. I can’t take that. So, I am taking you with me.” With that she aimed the gun at my heart and pulled the trigger.
There was a loud boom and I felt the most immense pain I had ever experienced in my life. I thought I was going to die. She thought that too. While I was still clutching my chest in a last ditch effort to stop the pain, I heard the same sound again. I instantly braced myself for another dose of pain, but it never came. This time she had pointed the gun at herself. The head though. It was a clean shot and she died instantly.
It took all I had to move to get my cell phone out of my pocket and dial 911. It told them to the best of my ability where I was through clenched teeth. When I hung up the phone, I chanced a look at the other side of the car. This was the biggest mistake of my life. I do not even want to picture the sight I saw. It was too horrific, too devastating.
I kept my hold to my chest as much as I could, though I felt myself getting steadily weaker. I must have blacked out from either blood loss or pain, because the next thing I remember is waking up here, in the hospital. Instead of trying to blame Katie, though, I know it is my fault.
I am taking responsibility for everthing that happened. Her death, as well as my injuries. The pain inflicted on her family and friends. Everything, I take responsibility. She will be missed by many, but none will think of her as much as I will. I will carry that scar for eternity.
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