There is this longing ache in my heart, I don’t even have words to describe it. But the pain is real, it slices through my soul, it is gut-wrenching. I have never felt anything like this, and I don’t want to have a repeat of these emotions. I cried, I wanted to scream but I can’t, for fear of having anybody in my family involved. For fear of hearing what I know already, that my parents and everybody else are saying the truth. I cannot face them, I am too embarrassed to admit that I was wrong...but I don’t think loving someone with all your heart IS actually a mistake. I hugged my pillow as if it was my lifeline, my muffled screams drowned by this fluffy object. Why does it have to be this way? I love him, I gave everything to him...body, heart, soul...everything that’s ME. He knows my strengths and weaknesses, or does he? Does he even know that he just ended my life?
“I thought it will work out for us, but it didn’t.Sorry.”
It keeps repeating in my head, over and over again...and every time it always kills me. I thought that by giving myself to you, I will have your love. That if I love you more and care for you, shower you with my undivided attention; that you will do the same in return. All the questions that I want to ask you just boils into one. WHY?
Yes, they say that to love someone has to be unconditional. But I do get hurt, I have feelings, too, and all I wanted was for you to love me. I don’t know what to do...I became your friend, confidante, and when you got lonely, I was there to give my ALL.
What will I do now? You are my life, the reason I like waking up in the morning just to see you later, and the reason I’m so happy to fall asleep just to dream about you and our day together.
I never showed you how shattered I was during that moment. I simply faked a smile, and nodded; “I understand. It’s okay.” I even held your hand. I watched you as you walk away, you did not even look back...so you can see the tears that I was holding back finally fell.
I have never felt so alone. My room is dark, but it is nothing compared to what my heart feels right now. EMPTY. I cried...I cried so hard until there was no tear left to fall. But the pain still lingers. I looked at the mirror, my puffy eyes and reddened face were a testament of the long night that was. The sun is almost up. I have to get ready, I just have to. I don’t want to upset anybody, especially you. I will put on this facade, not to let anybody know my true feelings. But for how long I could keep this up, I don’t know.
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