Never Crap At School, short story by Peter96

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Short Story by: Peter96

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Status: Finished | Genre: Humor | House: Booksie Classic

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When you have to go, you have to go...but when you're at school, everything is different. This is a story about me trying to take a dump during school hours, and the chaos that it creates.

Submitted: February 25, 2013

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Submitted: February 25, 2013

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Let me tell you all a crappy story from my crappy life of me having to take a severe crap during passing period at my crappy high school full of crappy kids who do idiotic crap. It all started when I had to take a piss really bad during passing period. We only had 5 minutes to get from one piece of shit class to the next, so like always, I had to make this piss nice and quick, quicker than my dog when he tries to hump me with his disgustingly red canine genitalia. When I got to the bathroom, I went into a stall and happily urinated until I finished with an over-exaggerated sigh of relief.

In case you’re wondering, the reason I like to piss in stalls rather than urinals is because I’m always afraid that some creeper will walk in and attempt to fondle my hairy testicles and scar me for life. But anyway, after I fed a decent amount of my special intoxicated lemonade to the toilet, I was ready to waste more of my life in my next class. Have you ever gotten that feeling when you’re alone for a while and you become so comfortable and relaxed that you begin to feel like it’s time to take a dump? Well, that’s what happened to me. Out of nowhere, my ass decided that it was that it was time to release some of its nutritious shit full of corn and oatmeal into the golden throne of toiletry. I debated to myself whether or not I should hold the little turd nuggets in, suck them back up my anus and try to shit later, or if I should just get them all out of my system right at that moment. Fortunately, my next class was right outside of the lavatory, so I figured that I would be able to get this putrid waste out of me before the bell rang.

Finally, the decision was made. I pulled my pants down, gently laid my sweet rolls on the boo boo bowl and began to push as hard as possible. At long last, I took out the trash, and now it was time to wipe. Sadly, I had only just realized that my shit was extremely moist and mushy rather than dry, so it took me even more time to wipe my ass clean. In fact, I was unable to finish wiping my ass because I feared that I would be late to class if I stayed in the bathroom any longer. And I was correct because the bell rang just seconds after I stepped foot into that hellhole of a classroom. So now, I was stuck in a room with loud, attention-seeking kids, and an asshole waiting to be fully cleared of rotten, malodorous feces. For some strange reason, I hadn’t thought about just asking the damn teacher if I could use the restroom during class, but whatever.

After wasting 50 minutes of my life learning about things I would never be interested in, the bell rang, and it was time to move on to my next prison cell - I mean uh class. But first I had to finish wiping my ass - so I did. I walked into the bathroom, and finished wiping. Apparently, I took longer than I thought I would, and by the time I got to my locker, without realization, I only had about 30 seconds to get my book and get molested by my teach - uh get to the next class. I started to fast walk like those guys in the Olympics because I noticed that the halls were beginning to clear up, which meant the bell was probably gonna ring at any moment. Once again, I was correct, because as soon as I was 5 yards away from my next class, the bell rang faster than you could say big booty bitches.

So at this point, I’m running to class as if I was a little boy running away from Michael Jackson with his pants half off. About 3-5 seconds passed before I actually got into the classroom, but of course, even though I was barely late to class, my teacher told me, “Nope, nope, too late. Quit thinking about tits and go get yourself a detention slip.” Now of course that’s not exactly what he said, I’d probably piss myself laughing if I heard that. But this situation was a lot more serious. In my mind I was like, “Fuck you, fuck this class, fuck all the students, fuck all the activities, fuck the word fuck, and most importantly, fuck my life!!” And then I fantasized myself sprinting to the busy street outside, getting ran over, and ending my life. Luckily none of that ever happened. That would be an extremely awkward situation at the highest point possible of awkardness. Plus, I would be dead, so what the hell. I wish I could’ve told my teacher that I was having trouble wiping my own ass in the restroom as an excuse, but he would probably just throw a dagger right through my throat and start laughing if I ever said that to him or any other teacher. But sometimes I kinda wanna die, so I wouldn’t really mind if that actually happened to me.

But anyway, I ended up just dropping my backpack and all my other useless junk on my desk, and I went out to get a stupid detention slip. Now you may be wondering, what’s the big deal, it’s just detention? Well, the first thing was that I wasn’t even supposed to be at school on that day, but I had to present a project during one of my classes, so I had no choice but to go to school and learn about useless things that I would soon forget after a few days or so. I was supposed to be working on the set for a play outside of school, but had to miss it, which was very disappointing, because I love missing school. Second, this was the one day where I could actually go home and take an energizing nap before heading out to rehearsal for a play I was in, which normally started almost right after school. But on this day, rehearsal was to start about 2 hours or so after school. So when I got that detention slip, I was like, “so long, fucking sleep!” because detention lasted for an hour and I wouldn’t have enough time to get home and rest, since it takes a while to drive home from school, and then drive from home to the theatre where I was to go to for rehearsal. Third, I would have to find another ride home, since I was supposed to catch my ride immediately after school, which would no longer be possible. Fourth, I left my cell phone at home, so I wouldn’t be able to call someone for a ride or anything after detention.

Fortunately, I was able to talk to my brother after school to tell his friend - the guy who was giving us a ride - to come back in around a hour to pick me up. So, the deal was done. My brother and his friend rode home together and were planning on coming back in an hour to pick me up, while I was walking towards the room where detention took place. Once I made it to the room, I sat there for about 2-3 minutes until suddenly, the dude who was in charge of all the detention crap, stated that he had a club meeting on that day. So he dismissed all of the little shits who had detention and let us go. From here on out, I was slightly relieved, until I realized that my ride wasn’t gonna be in existence for another 55 minutes, and that my phone was all alone at home jacking itself off to phonebook porn.

So, I waited outside on a bench for who knows how long, and tried to kill time by day dreaming thoughts in my head that I knew would never come true, such as having sexual intercourse with the hottest girls in school. Some acquaintances of mine passed me every once in a while, and I asked if I could use their phones to call home or some shit from time to time. Of course, I tried calling all the numbers I knew of my family from the top of my head, and no one seemed to answer. So, I was stuck on a bench doing absolutely nothing but thinking about my boring life. Finally, my ride appeared, and for some reason, the only thing that I could do was just smile and laugh uncontrollably. “What a day,” I thought to myself. “What a fucking day…” I hope you learned much from my story, and I hope that you’ll understand now - why you should never even think about attempting to take a dump during passing period.