Bukowski I Could Have Loved

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's about time I said something about you. I never forgot. I've just never had the words like nails with something to say.

Submitted: May 02, 2012

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Submitted: May 02, 2012

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You could have been it for me, I think. When I was little, I always pictured a writer that would make me fall in love with his words. A musician that could seranade me and ensnare me with sound. You were the writer I was always meant to find. It wasn't that I didn't want you. I was already in love and didn't know it. My heart had been taken from me long ago, and I was trying to give you something I didn't have. And you are so young, and I'm too old. I'm too selfish. I'm crippled by feelings I cannot control. I'm Peter Pan in Neverland, falling in love with all the mermaids but always running back to Wendy when the air turns cold. I can't give you what you want. But that doesn't matter now.

I like it when we talk. I like seeing you happy. Even though it takes so much strength to keep the conversation light; I can feel it in the subtext. The loathing, the longing. I know you wanted that girl to be me once. I won't lie and say I didn't want that, too. But I'll always be a phantom, just passing through. But you already know that.

You ask if I remember; I'll never forget. Hell, you showed me that my ideal love exists. A poet that longs for love and late-night cuddling. Secrets shared inside forts made of bedsheets and kisses on the lips of stolen time. That's all we ever had.

You said that maybe someday we can try again. I don't know how likely that is. Not because the desire is gone, but because our lives are going on separate paths now. We've forked from the main trail.

I can't be a ghost forever. But I have to come to peace with my lost soul. I have to come to peace with the mess I've made of you and everything else.

Until then, leave me to be a memory. But if you can manage, revisit me often. I'll still dream of you.

 


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