A Short Life of Tragedy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
My heart throbs slowly in pain, unwillingly beating, sending unwanted life through my veins and keeping me unfortunately alive, merely a necessary muscle now as it no longer beats for you.

Submitted: January 09, 2009

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Submitted: January 09, 2009

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I lie here alone on the bed that we once shared. Silent tears of utter despair running rapidly down my recently unhealthily pale face. My chest feels as though it's caving in on itself, a powerful suction from deep in my core crushing my ribs and lungs, pulling everything inward.

My heart throbs slowly in pain, unwillingly beating, sending unwanted life through my veins and keeping me unfortunately alive, merely a necessary muscle now as it no longer beats for you.

My soul howls out in agony at the fresh wound created by being brutally ripped in two, having it's other half torn away. The cold shadow of your soul, it's recently missing piece, looming in it's presence.

The tears keep falling, like a never ending torrent, eventually dripping off my chin and onto my heavily soaked pillow, the pillow that hasn't been dry since your scent faded from the fabric.

My head screams vicious words, at god, at the world, at cruel fate, at anything I can think of for taking you away from me, but just as quickly, the loathing shrieks of stark venomous hatred turn to sorrow filled wails of pure gut wrenching despair for the loss of my love, my everything.

And there's that chest ache again, denying my lungs oxygen and causing an increase in the intensity of my blatant display of emotion. My head throbs in pain from lack of sleep and food, my stomach burns from the overdose of zolpidem and painkillers that just doesn't seem to be working and my whole body aches from deprivation of the one thing that was ever capable of making me happy, deprivation of you.

It only takes one last clench of my blood muscle for me to decide and as I rise slowly from our bed, the mere feeling of my muscles working again is strangely foreign, as nothing but the thought of my present goal has given me even the slightest inkling of motivation to move an inch over the past couple of days.

I walk numbly through the house that we bought together, every single sight bringing a taunting memory of times that we shared, something I will never have again.

I let out a short tired sob, my knees almost buckling with the wave of sadness the sight of the stairs brings as memories flash, one in particular standing out. The time you proposed to me, the time the joy of the situation and need for celebration left us just short of the bedroom and making love on the cold wood of the stairs.

I turn away quickly and make my way to my destination, an air of almost relief surrounding my exhausted emotions at the prospect of what Im about to do. I step through the door at the end of the landing, the freezing tiles against my bare feet not even earning a small flinch as every and any physical sensation is welcomed openly if even the most miniscule of chances that it would overbalance some of the overwhelming emotional pain exists.

I lean over the bath, twisting the handle of one of the faucets as far as it will go, all the while trying desperately in vain to block out thoughts of you, squeezing my swollen red eyes shut against the visual memory triggers that surround me and have my poor will-less heart breaking all over again.

As I wait for the bath to fill I rise to my feet once again, every one of my movements laden with grief as I begin to rid myself of all clothing. Your shirt, your sweat pants, your underwear, the outfit I put on the moment after I found out, whilst desperate to hold onto anything that would get me as close to you as possible, the outfit I've been wearing since that day, the day of dismay.

I place the newly folded items of clothing carefully down on the toilet cover, just like you used to do whenever we took a bath together. The beginnings of a pitiful smile tug the corners of my mouth as I notice that the bath is full and my escape from this unfamiliar lonely world is that much closer.

As I let my worthless body sink down into the freezing cold water, I leave the faucet running, hoping to flood the house and destroy the possessions that I once thought were everything to us, but that I now realize mean nothing without you here to share them with. I realize now that I could have lived anywhere, owned nothing and been anyone and not have cared as long as I had you and I now want to wash away any last remaining evidence that I cared about anything other than you.

That smile finally forces its way past the despair and onto my face as I exhale all the air from my lungs and sink down to the bottom of the bathtub, and an emotion that I was certain I would never feel again dulls the pain in my chest, hope.

I take a deep breath in, the uncomfortable feeling of water filling my lungs going mostly unnoticed as thoughts of possibilities occupy most of my attention. I don't care where I go now, I'm totally indifferent as to where or when I will end up, I just hope and pray with every last ounce of my rapidly diminishing strength that you will find me somewhere along the way.

I run my thumb along the thin silver band resting snugly on my left ring finger and silently scold the piece of metal, as no object could ever portray even one of the many ways in which I love you. I never wanted either of us to wear wedding rings, but you did, and that's all that mattered.

My vision blurs and my senses fade and as I slowly start slipping in and out of consciousness, all I can see is your smiling face, all I can hear is your laugh and proclamations of love for me, and all I can feel is your strong arms wrapped tightly around me, protecting me from the rest of the world. I know I'm dreaming, hallucinating from lack of oxygen to the brain, but even in that knowledge, I'm the happiest I've been since I had you for real.

I can feel the life slowly leave my physical being and finally, after days of waiting, join my soul in death. and as everything gets darker and further away and I become incapable of rational thought, one last wish circulates in my mind. I love you so much sweetie, please find me, for even in the afterlife I would be lost without you.


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