(I very much wanted the title to be "Goodbye" but, unfortunatly, that title is already taken. Do read this, though, as if the title is, indeed, Goodbye)
It feels like I’m drowning.
Drowning in tears, in sobs. As if I’m becoming undone by the tremendous force of my agony as my body rocks and sways. As I deny it all.
My shuddering breath tears out of my throat, my gasps shallow and fast. I shiver as terror races up my spine, my eyes clenching shut as I hear one, hollow beep echoing in the strangely silent room. It bounces off of the walls surrounding me, signaling the end of all I hold dear.
Grimacing, I pick myself up, managing to pull myself together enough to read the message on my computer screen. A farewell.
A tiny tremor of fear rolls through my body, making my knees weak as I collapse onto a nearby chair. I stare at the screen, the letters seemingly foreign as they shape the one word I never wanted to hear again -
I shut my eyes tightly, imagining him as I’d seen him in my dreams. With those indescribably beautiful eyes. The ones I had imagined staring at for hours, seeing them sparkle in the sunlight. The different colours dazzling as he smiled that crooked smile at me. I’d used to spend most of my time trying to decide what colour his eyes really were.
Looking back up at the computer, I remember every game we’d ever played, the way he’d always taught me that teamwork is essential. That, without friends, we are nothing…
And now, my only friend was planning to leave me. Just vanish, into thin air. No forward address or phone number.
So I guess that means I’m nothing now.
Slumping forward, I fist my hands in my hair, tugging at it. Some of it comes loose in my hand, the bloody roots smearing scarlet all over my arms. The sobs return full force, my head pounding as more tears stream freely down my cheeks. I cough, choking and sputtering as I continue crying over someone that’s already lost.
The beep sounds again, but I don’t bother pulling myself together as I lift my head to read the message. After all, he can’t see me. He can’t see what he’s doing to me.
He’s prompting a response out of me, asking if I’m there. Asking if I’m okay.
I want to scream at him that I’ll never be okay again. Want to shake him and slap him and hug him. But all I can do is lift my hand, and slowly type the words: “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
His response is fast and I picture his fingers flying over the keys as the message pops onto the screen. “You weren’t saying anything. And I thought that maybe you’d… want to say goodbye, too…”
Sniffling, I wipe at my eyes with my sleeve, telling myself that I’m overreacting. A little voice whispers at me that I was never worth anything to him, that this separation was always inevitable. I refuse to believe that, focusing instead on the fact that he’d always been so nice to me, had taught me so many things.
But the voice keeps taunting me, digging deep into my brain.
I try telling myself that it’s unrealistic to expect him to not go to university. I try telling myself that I’m selfish – that I should want him to be happy. That he might still talk to me…
But, finally, I have to admit that he really, honestly, can’t care less about me. My last ember of hope flickers out and dies, leaving me with a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach. My hands clutch my sides, my already broken heart shattering into millions of sharp pieces, slicing right through me as I whimper pitifully. I retch, my eyes closed as his name flashes across my eyelashes, mocking me with the very thing I've just lost.
I turn back to the computer screen, wondering what life would be like now that he’s gone. I shudder, terror again freezing my body. It’s cold, my body numb from both the shock and the winter breeze blowing from outside. Shivering, I turn back to the screen, staring at his name for what is probably the very last time.
With a sigh of grief, I walk toward the computer and type one word with trembling fingers:
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