Heaven Baby

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
The emotional pain of losing a baby...

Submitted: February 10, 2016

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Submitted: February 10, 2016

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The day I found out about you,
I was scared, scared I wouldn't raise you right, scared you wouldn't love me, scared I wouldn't be an excellent example for you.
But also, the day that I found out about you, was the happiest day of my life, the feeling is unexplainable, it was an immediate bond, an immediate love, truly the best and realest feeling I have ever felt.
As you grew inside me the joy outgrew the fear, as soon as I thought about you the feeling of being scared vanished, because I thought to myself that I would love you so hard that you would never grow to hate me, I would love you so hard that you would never know what hate is.
I couldn't wait to feel you inside of me, I couldn't wait to hold you,
I didn't know your name, I didn't know your sex, but you were mine and you were growing inside of me and I have never loved anyone or anything as I love you.
I didn't even know what your face looked like, the color of your skin, hair, or eyes, but I knew you were perfect.
A perfect little Angel indeed.
I never understood how I could love someone I never met until I had you inside of me,
I never understood how I could bond with someone I didn't know until you started growing inside of me.
I would catch myself daydreaming about having you in my arms,
How I would dress you, play with you, teach you things, how I would raise you and love you.
The three of us would bond for life and it hurts that your father loves you but never got to bond with you.
The feeling is unexplainable and the day you left us was literally the worse day of my life,
Never felt that pain before, both emotionally & physically, but the worse pain was knowing I would never hold you in my arms.
My little angel watching over from above,
I still love you, we will always love you,
I saw your little body moving inside of me but it hurts that I never felt you moving inside of me.
I daydreamed with kissing your little face and feet,
The day you left me you took a part of me.
I bought you things hoping I would soon have you in my arms,
But you left us, and I still hold on to your things,
You are still mine, you are still our little angel,
I wish you never left, but I still will always love you.
I'll tattoo your body on my skin, but I still wish I could of felt your skin.
Tired of everyone telling me it happend for a reason,
because you were the reason for my happiness and you left me,
It's not your fault but the emotional pain is one million times stronger than the physical pain,
I already forgot about the physical pain, but I still remember the emotional pain,
You are still ours, we still love you,
Nobody will understand our bond, and it makes me sad I never saw you smile,
The day you left me I blamed myself, I felt like I didn't do enough, I know it wasn't in my hands but I just wished you were in my hands and I could feel your little hands.
I will never forget you nor stop loving you,
I never saw your face, your eyes, or your little body,
But I love you more than I have ever loved in my life,
You were part of me, you still are part of me, and even though you are in heaven, I will do my best to make you proud of me.
I almost had you in my arms, it hurts me badly I won't hear you call.
Even though you aren't with us physically, you will always have a place in my heart, what's left of it because when you left my side you took a part of it.
I hope you are safe and I hope one day I"ll make you proud.
Mommy and daddy still love you, my little baby in heaven, my little warrior at heart.

 


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