Since America's obvious cultural salad days of the late 1970's, mankind has wrestled with an ideological and dogmatic debate that, at times, has threatened to rend the fabric of our very society. Communities and families have been torn asunder, countless online dating relationships have been smothered in their infancy, and let us never forget the shameful instances of nerd on nerd violence at fanboy conventions everywhere (although, in fairness, the nerd violence is generally hampered by poor technique and disappointing upper body strength). I speak, of course, of the debate that rages over Star Wars versus Star Trek.
In attempting to bring peace to my geeky bretheren, I have often sought to use a particular metaphor; women. Of course, the metaphor is lost on many of them, but the lucky few have been moved by my unhsakable logic. In the hopes that it may bring a peaceful end to some of the violence out there I will now make my case here on Booksie.
Star Wars is the neighborhood slut. I know it sounds like a crass, immature judgment and many of you have just stopped reading but hear me out: Star Wars is a slut. You don't really respect her, but you rarely pass up a chance to get with her. If you're channel surfing, and she walks by, you almost always stop and check her out, at least until your lightsaber gets turned on. You and your friends all get together to brag and joke about how many times you got with her. She'll do things with you that Star Trek just won't do; kinky shit, like the force, black leather and ewoks. Deep down, you know there's no real future in it, but it's so hard to turn down that nasty, no strings, fun.
Star Trek on the other hand is like your wife of thirty years. You respect her, you cherish her. She has raised, nurtured and inspired your future generations to reach for the stars. She stimulates you as a person, challenging your mind and giving you real visions of what your glorious future could be like together. But then it's time to actually get with her and it's like, "Oh, Time Travel again? No, uh, no, baby that's hot (sigh).".
Now I have been making this argument for years, prior to J.J. Abrams 2009 re-boot of the Star Trek franchise. That movie seemed to borrow heavily from Star Wars' bag of tricks. It seemed not unlike coming home to that same wife of thirty years and having her tell you, out of the blue, that she wants to try anal. You're a little worried about were the motivation comes from, but you're relcutant to look a gift horse in the mouth.
In the end, the answer to the question Star Wars versus Star Trek is a deeply personal one. Each individual must look deep within themselves and sincerely ask themselves; "Well, am I a Milquetoast or a Perv?". If that fails, then one inescapable fact remains. It is so inescapable in fact, that I find it often ends the argument right there. You never see a Starfleet officer open-mouth kiss their sister on Star Trek.
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