Quantified Suction: The Hoover Unit System and You

Essay by: Pointy Little Head

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Have you ever tried to explain to someone how much a particular experience sucked, but found that you lacked a common context in which to meaningfully share this information? Well the Federal Government has your back with this handy new metric system designed to let you understand exactly how much things suck.

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Submitted: February 10, 2013

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Submitted: February 10, 2013

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The Hoover System and You
The Hoover system is an insightful and much needed classification metric that the new administration has decided to implement in order to clear up confusion for a growing number of Americans.
The problem? The ever increasing number of things that suck.  In recent years Americans have been forced to confront a seemingly never ending tide of suckitude both at home and abroad.  As such, there has been great confusion on a National scale regarding just exactly how much any of these individual elements suck and just how exactly do these elements interact to create exponentially greater levels of sucking.
To clear up the confusion a specially appointed commission of some of our nations best and brightest with oodles of free time has created an official suck metric to alleviate this semantic chaos.  This metric is the Hoover unit.
A single Hoover unit can be thought of as a very small amount of suck compared to the overall suck tolerance of an average American adult.  Anything rated at a single Hoover unit is certain to be harmless even under prolonged exposure.  In fact, most adults should be safe at doses as high as 1.5 decihoovers (15 hoover units) per hour while out in public and as high as 8 decihoovers per hour while watching T.V.  Of course children and the elderly may be more susceptible.  
Exceeding these recommended hoover tolerance levels can have drastic effects on a person’s mental and physical state.  In certain cases victims have been prone to insomnia, nausea, workplace disgruntlement with associated firearms disorder, voting, turning off the television and dry mouth.
Perhaps the most important thing to understand about Hoover safety is the geometric nature of compiled suck.  In combination, things that suck can create a sucking force in hoovers far greater than their respective individual amounts.  In order to calculate compiled hoover factor, individual hoover amounts are multiplied and represented in square hoovers.
For example, listening to “Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tenille sucks at a solid 5 hoovers.  Contracting a moderate hangnail is rated at 3 hoovers.  In a situation where one contracts a hangnail while simultaneously listening to “Muskrat Love” the combined geometric suck factor creates an overall force of 15 square hoovers.  Clearly it would not take long for that to suck a lot.  As more hoover generating elements are introduced into one’s environment the danger is greatly increased.  NIH studies point to the case of a Teaneck, N.J. man who was offered a “high five” during a line dance by a man with a mullet wearing a confederate flag tank top at his brother in law’s wedding reception where he was the designated driver. It is estimated that the man was impacted by no less than 9.5 kilohoovers directly to his head and torso.
  The victim lapsed into a coma for 3 weeks and is still struggling to regain motor coordination in his left side.  He poops in a bag.  It is for this man and the thousands like him that Hoover system has been created.
  To ensure the safety of yourself and your loved ones, all Americans are urged to consult the included Calibrated Hoover Unit Distribution (or C.H.U.D.) matrix Appendix A.  Note however that the C.H.U.D. is far from complete and will require contributions from citizens like you because we at the federal government have a lot of stuff going on right now.
Only by clearly categorizing and evaluating the growing threat posed by all the elements of modern society that suck can we hope to pass on to our great grandchildren a suckless world.
Appendix A

Calibrated Hoover Unit Distribution or C.H.U.D.

1 Hoover unit ……physicist Michio Kaku, The “Can You Hear Me
Now Guy”
.
4 Hoover Units…………………….Bear Ghrylls, Wayne Newton
.
8 Hoover Units………………………………….….Video Professor
.
1 Decihoover (10 hoover units)……………Gangnam Style, Sham Wow Guy
(before getting ass kicked by a hooker)  
.
.
5 Decihoovers…………………………………Foreigner, Veggie Tales
.
7.5 Decihoovers…………………………..…………Argyle Sweater Vest
8 Decihoovers……………….………………..Joe Buck, deep paper cut
.
1 Centihoover (100 Hoover Units)………… Vanilla Ice, Sham  
Wow Guy (after getting ass kicked by a hooker)
.
1.5 Centihoovers…………………………………Brown ’77 Trans Am with Bond on one fender
3 centihoovers………people who think American Idol is the most important part of their week
.
10 Centihoovers……………….Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Saloman,
.  
20 Centihoovers………….Neatly manicured mullet, finger caught in car door
.
.
50 Centihoovers………………………….The Macarena, athlete’s foot
.
80 Centihoovers……………………………………...Oregon State Bird (The Beer-bellied shirtless dude)
.
1 Kilohoover (1000 Hoover Units)…….. Herbert/J. Edgar Hoover
.
1.2 Kilohoovers……………………………………….flat tire on freeway
.
.
5 Kilohoovers……………………Larry the Cable Guy, pissing your pants
.
8 kilohoovers……………………………………the C.E.O. of anything
.
1 megahoover (10,000 hoover units)…………..Rod Blagojevich
5 megahoovers…………………………………syphilis, Bakersfield CA.
.
.
10 megahoovers………………………………..average televangelist
.
30 megahoovers…………………………………..dog ate your stash.
.
50 megahoovers……..Beauty Queen Governors that shoot stuff
.
70 megahoovers…… obesity, drug addiction, impotence, Rush Limbaugh
.
90 megahoovers………………… ”Awesome speech your holiness”
.
1 Gigahoover (1,000,000 Hoover Units)……………..Dick Cheney,
Ass Cancer


© Copyright 2016 Pointy Little Head. All rights reserved.

Quantified Suction: The Hoover Unit System and You

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Summary

Have you ever tried to explain to someone how much a particular experience sucked, but found that you lacked a common context in which to meaningfully share this information? Well the Federal Government has your back with this handy new metric system designed to let you understand exactly how much things suck.

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