beer before liquor never been sicker ...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
One of my first times being arrested. All names are changed except for my own.
enjoy.

Submitted: February 17, 2009

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Submitted: February 17, 2009

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“WELL.....this girl Ellyn, is like god to me. Goddess actually. I would do anythig, anything given the chance again. Shes that hot. Holy shit, I would kill just too kiss this chick one more time. She said I was “cute” ,but she has a boy…shame shame. Story of my life really. I get fucked like that. Allie, Rebecca, her - im just name dropping and i would like to stop-alyssa…shit like that just doesn’t work for me. But then again im notorious for homewrecking situations like its my job. Great fucking rep there Cho good rep. Woooo. We played a round of beer pong, tried to beat these assholes Zach and Heitor, pronounced Hector i later found out, two complete douche bags who happen to have a band thats pretty decent. Ok they were cool guys. Well Ellyn and I were up and we were already five beer in, looking at six in front of us and neither of us could shoot worth shit. The rule is, if you dont sink cups, you run naked...i threw balls against the wall, the floor, the table, it was like your moms room during  her interacial gang bang. I mean that in the most respecful way possible....anyways! well after awhile  it was six cups to  two we were loosing and Ellyn  looks at me drunk kinda - wobbly and goes, “Choyce you gotta sink one soon bud, i cant do this all myself”. I look at her and i go, “baby i cant sink shit, im trying to get us naked!”. Ah fuck, wrong move right? Well it worked to my advantage....she looks at me, bites her lip, oh god i love it when they do that, and she comes close to me i let her come near my neck, (i put on some good colonge too), and she goes, “that will happen after-after we beat them”. OH REALLY?! Well then we got our game up, sank cups left and right, first the first one of the triangle, then a bounce and got two cups, oh god a roll back ! behind the back or pirate? Behind the back? Ok, shit who was i kidding trying to sink that one...well that didnt work..ok well now its three on two. To make time go faster- they won, we left, i asked her if she wanted to go up stairs and take a shot, she said yes and we went up. Were sitting there in the kitchen and theres Gabe and Cassie getting it on on the couch upstairs (we were playing beer pong in the basement) , i threw an empty can of beer at them and  hit cassie right on the head. “fuck you fucking...fucking..fuck..”, and goes right back at it. Hope shes 18 bro!....well were sitting there and i pour two shots, i hand one to her and im trying to be sexy as hellso i hand her the shot and im like ‘to our great bp game!..woo..’ she looks at me , we clap glasses and house our drinks, well since i think im a big shot right now i chase my shot with beer. GREAT CHOICE CHOYCE! Shit is starting to look wobbly and apparently there are two sets of stairs to take to get back into the basement, when did this happen? I try going to down the right side, well turns out theres an invsible wall there...Ellyn takes me by the arm and asks if we could go outside to get some fresh air, and im completely down. We go outside into the street and we start to kiss, sloppy drunken kiss in the humid air, well i pushed back and exclaimed i wanted to sit, she opens up her lexus and says “get in”. I take off my shirt, trying to show off the abs i dont have, and i get in. She turns on the car and she kisses me again and CREED comes on the radio, she exclaims “i fucking hate this song”, just so she keeps kissing me i agree with a ‘yah fuck this song’..i had no idea it was creed at the time. Well i look at her and im like, isnt your boy gonna be kinda pissed? she kinda gets upset almost as if i didnt want her anymore and she looked away, i got scared so i grabbed her tit (somehow i felt as if thatd fix it?) and she looked at me and then looked at my hand, i took it away, and looked right at her. We started kissing again, and i asked, “can we fuck?”. She sits back, closes her eyes and goes “...sure”. Only if Mike doesnt find out. Mike, what a douche bag name. Sorry this mike is a douche bag, other mikes can be cool. Well she throws the car in reverse and she backs up. HOLY SHIT WERE MOVING. Then she throws it in drive and she looks at me and goes, “dont worry im a really good drunk driver”. Oh, thank god - I thought i was in the car with a BAD drunk driver, you make me feel so much safer. So after taking turns like a nascar driver- Dale Earnhardt Sr. Would be proud- the things alcohol makes you think of. Well FINALLY we stop driving and were at some random street under a street light. She looks at me and climbs into the back seat...i attempt to , but..i failed, WELL out the door i go into the back seat, we played that little door handle game where you flick the handle before she has the chance to unlock it so your sitting there telling her to open it and shes sitting there telling you to stop working the handle. This went on for a few seconds. I got in and started kissing her taking her clothes off as best as i can. I pulled her shirt down, well it went up and over to get off, fuck me right? Tried to take her pants off but forgot she had on her flip flops, off went the flip flops off went the pants, on went on the condom. Well we started out nice and good, my second time banging in a car, the keys were jiggling in the ignition and her head only hit the window twice. It got really hot in the car and i attempted to turn the car on to get the air going BUT i hit the horn. Maybe a bad move? Well i got the car on and all the lights went on and all of a sudden there were blue and red lights flashing behind us, yes it was a bad move. If youve ever seen two drunk kids put on clothes fast your a liar. We couldnt get on shit and im pretty sure the officer liked the sight of Ellyn naked.he didnt fancy me though. Another cop showed up and she had her clothes on by then, and me? No i couldnt find my pants worth my life! Well fuck me right? SO, Ellyn and Iwere sitting outside half naked, and reaking of sex (cheap vodka and girls purfume) and they gave us a breathalizer. Well....i failed, with flying colors, and Ellyn failed with flying colors too. Since the Keys were in the ignition, Ellyn gets a D.U.I. HAPPY DAY! and i get drunk in public. BUT THERES MORE! We both get hit with fornication in a public area, indecent exposure and since she parked on the wrong side of the street...we get hit with a traffic violation. Great. We get taken into THE STATION, mug shotted, finger printed, all this good stuff and shoved into holding cells. Since were already in trouble i ask Ellyn if we can finish. She says, “no”, wonder whats gotten into her. Well her father shows up, and hes not looking too happy. Its 2 am and her daughter is in a holding cell. The officers tell them the deal, and one of them points right at me. The father turns red, and i looked into his eyes, and i swear to god he ate my soul. The doors of the cell open he grabs Ellyn and yells at her and tells her to go to the car, he storms into the cell, one of the new punk ass bitch cops tries to stop him with a “sir you cant do-OUCH!” and he pushes the cop outta the way. Hes nose to nose with me and he goes, “BOY IF THERE WERENT SO MANY PIGS WITH GUNS IN HERE I WOULD RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OUT, HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER! IM GOING TO GET SO MUCH SHIT THROWN AT YOU YOU WONT KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.”- well this is the part where he was going to say more, but the old nursery rhyme that they teach kids at school- “beer before liquor never been sicker”, well that was the top  for me. I spewed all over his pants, all over his slippers, and all over his hands. This man threw himself off me so fast and out of the cell nearly sick himself. He looked at me and went “YOUR FUCKING DEAD YOU HEAR ME YOU SHIT ! YOUR FUCKING DEAD!” and he left. Well i was in that cell for quite some time, till you bailed me out. Thanks bro.”

“Choyce, you owe me $250.00. Bails arent cheap - asshole.”


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