Yesternight's Fears

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Psychologically speaking, the heart does sometime interfere everything we do.

Submitted: December 29, 2013

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Submitted: December 29, 2013

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Yesternight’s Fears

 

 

So here I am today. Some days ago, or I shall say a few years ago, I lived my life and then, I grew up. O but why! Well I can’t do anything up for that. Man is, of course having a heart and sometimes, in those days I believed it only pumped blood. But, now that I leave those times back a numbered years, I find that it doesn’t only pump but also interferes in almost everything. An age that I must sit in some lap and warmth and love, I live alone following a curriculum that even my small pet sometimes says that I am a not-so-important person.

Oh and what about that? Living unimportantly and alone, two different things sometimes merge to form a depression which I always defeat. And know what, I love… err… sort of myself. I have a dignity and importance for me and the world respects me or that. Maybe I am too dignified that everyone else…

Someone understands me or not is none of the agencies I do care.

But yesterday, something happened. Too awkward for a person so deflected from the humanly life the only thing is a dream. Sometimes when you are in that deep sleep and can’t control yourself and just see what your brain wants you to. Maybe in the field of words, its right but in that of feelings, I am unstable. I would correct myself that the dreams or only the one I had yesterday was what my heart wished me to see. It always creates the dilemma that neither you can cross yourself out nor do you want to.

In that unrealistic and impractical dream, I sat on my chair in the house my family owned some years back. I faced my book, maybe it was chemistry. I hated that subject then, as I remember. But for the fateful dream, it didn’t matter. I was reading what I never want to do for now. I mean if it were some literature, it would at least be practical. But leave that, I was facing the ugly book damply and it was dark. The lights were on and no one in there, except me and my book.

Maybe it was raining outside but probably it were some effect of what was happening outside my home yesterday night. And I don’t remember of the prologue for the awful dream, but I was distracted from studies. The words zoomed out and my eyes became blurred, thankfully it was not the water. A second later, I closed the book and kept my head over it. It was cold, cold cover, and my hair stood erect; goosebumps, I have them now, too!

I was thinking something as it appeared, for presently too I don’t stare at the empty walls for no reason. I felt some cold fingertips explore my bare neck. It was astonishing but I didn’t jump off my position. Soon, the whole palm felt my warmth. I was warm, hot like fever and burning inside. The hand rested over me and then the feminine voice called out my extraordinarily ordinary name. I raised my head off the book and turned towards the familiar face. And I was alone in the room, locked inside the gates sometime before but now I was under her company. I was not shocked, neither terrified. And I realize it was okay. How can a person be terrified of finding his dream done over without any effort?

‘You’re here?’ I asked sulkily.

‘Ain’t you happy?’ the humanistic words brought me back to some senses, but soon the beautifully angelic carved voice took me back.

I was dazing, thanks to the well-known mesmerizing essence. I wanted to cover her in my arms and relieve her; already she was under such pitiful incomplete robes that I now doubt someone be dressed in such robes under conditions like I do now have in my country, would die shivering for warmth. But she stood still. She was more than a deity, beautiful and worthy of all a writer’s creations.

‘I am yours, and you’re mine, ain’t you?’ she whispered in the soft accent.

The clock was too slow for a humanly world. Surely, her eyes were hypnotizing me and asking to reply what she asked. But I was surely out of words to answer her. I needed to confess my inability, but as I believe now, I was correct at staring into her eyes.

‘You love my eyes, I know,’ she said soon, and was true at all. I did always hint that I adored them, all her characters.

But it was awkward that I was being dragged into her magic. Her eyes were deeper than ever. Blackness and depth, all that is needed to cast a magic. Oh the eyes! No, I needed to stop. But I regret I stood on my feet at last, holding breath and properly balanced.

‘Why don’t you say something?’ she asked confidently.

I noticed then. She was in her red gown and it was long, maybe dragged for long on the rough floor. Her color didn’t contrast with that of my room but yet, she looked beautiful and the great, great room was inferior. All the elements were certain and they attacked me together.

‘That’s a nice idea,’ I replied hesitatingly. ‘But I don’t want to.

She gave me a soft kiss on my neck and again, I was traumatized. Before anytime, I broke into the first ever kiss of my life and I remember it was beautiful. And yeah, I don’t regret that I kissed for the first time in my dream. And soon, I gasped for breath and ended.

‘You,’ I whispered immediately after. ‘You’re bare. I hate this. You’re going to catch cold and I… it won’t be too good.’

I bowed down to catch a clean sheet out from my closet. Her feet were shining white. And nails there, they were white and transparent. Some tings of red were there but it was probably blood. Blood that gives life and err… I realized something. Whenever I did that, I felt irresistibly dead.

‘Don’t say that I am dreaming!’ I hardly spoke any word clearly, but she caught it.

And the greatest fear of mine drew close. For another time, my eyes filled with tears but I didn’t let them out. I came back down and searched for the sheets but they weren’t there.

‘Oh! Where the shit goes?’ I spoke out, controlling my emotions although knowing that I had lost.

The ting of redness was blood. Life still prospered in her and she did neither reply. There was still some hope but it was rubbish, I knew.

‘You didn’t reply,’ I said coming up with the blanket.

‘I am here with you,’ she said. ‘And I don’t need it.’

I threw the blanket over her, but it hardly made any effect over her. I kissed her on the lips again but only a tiny one but it brought all my hopes on. But still I needed courage to bring her to my emotions. I really needed to confess my love, but I know I am a coward at that.

‘I wanted to say something,’ I began. ‘Err… Needed to confess something.’

‘You need not bring you to that,’ she said, fluent and slow. ‘I know your love.’

At least in my dream, everything favored me.

‘I love you,’ I said, needing no courage anymore. It was all instead that I needed not to do that but I said it. The three words complete every love story.

‘You don’t,’ a harsh voice entered the scenes from some place at her back.

My heart pounded, and still as I write this, it does beat outrageously. I, for the first time in that hour, shifted my gaze from her beauty. Some distance away from her, under the night’s shadow stood someone. Only thing I could see were the bare feet and the black trousers that increased upward. I swallowed and raised my steps to the newcomer’s direction. My face was tensed and ragingly unbelieving.

‘Who’s that?’ I sparked out my words.

‘You don’t love her anymore,’ the blunt voice sounded again.

The voice echoed in my ears as it does in the present too. It ached wherever it goes. The pain of the room itself appeared from the stillness of its walls. My body was trembling and once again, my hair stood up. The part of the long room that didn’t receive the light was under the greatest peril and for the first in my life, I pitied the non-living.

‘Come out into my sight,’ I ordered, in a rough and heavy tone.

For no reason, I gathered out some relation between the newcomer’s voice and mine, but truly, it wasn’t reasonless.

‘You are not ought to love her,’ the voice echoed again. ‘She has gone, and what you see are colors in air.’

‘Argh!’ I panted, coming down to my knees, imbalanced, as if the voice launched wounds through my body. 

‘You yourself let her go!’ the bluntness increased. ‘Do you forget?’

I sighed in my breaths and restored the pressure on my legs. Coming back up, I advanced to the voice’s direction but soon, stopped as the echo came back again accompanied by some frown.

‘Stay back like you did when the times were yours,’ the frustrated villainous voice alarmed.

‘What do you mean?’ I replied, first time relying on the unknown man.

Before there was any reply and the agitating voice, I felt a sudden urge to look back at my beauty. Not that I needed her company in the encounter but I wanted some relief. I needed the smile once again as the sullen voice sucked off life from me. I wasn’t able, maybe I was no more under my effect.

‘You need not look back,’ the shadow hissed. ‘You won’t be relieved, moron.’

I swallowed again but the urge increased pathetically inside me. The more I tried to turn my head back, the more I lost my being. I tried running back to her but I was jammed. 

‘Don’t be sad at your mistake,’ the aching dry man noised. ‘Fools do that. You yourself paved way for her to flee with the other man. Do you forget what you did for her? You and your idiotic personality were the only behind your incompetence in achieving her. You didn’t love her, maybe just liked her beauty, not her being.’

‘Shut your foul voice,’ I shouted, braking instantly off the pitch. ‘I love her and will always.’

‘Maybe you don’t realize it,’ the creaking of the floor sounded again as the man came under my sight. ‘But I do.’

I threw myself back to the table and placed my hand over the book which slipped off my grip and I landed crashing down on the floor. I was never relieved that I could move but I was cut down off of my life. The shadow came out into the light but I saw no one but my reflection. None other but I stood glaring with read eyes over me.

‘How can be so?’ I whispered to myself.

I turned my sight to where my love stood sometime before and with that, the final hope flickered out. The white sheet lay crumbled down on the floor and the air replaced the essence. I stood in front of me in black robes, and with bulging red face, no more eager to hear from him.

‘You were always the kind of outcast that none living should be,’ he spoke, every of his words punished me. ‘You dared her into the living and now, you blame her for not realizing your love. Didn’t you ever suggest that not offering your love wouldn’t harm her but would leave you weeping for the whole life?’

As the harsh words continued damning me, I forced my head under the cover of my arms, hiding the fears and the tears that left me underscored.

‘Go away,’ I shouted back at my split. ‘GO AWAY NOW!’

‘You’re always childish and girly,’ the other shouted.

‘Go away,’ I broke up at last. ‘All I did was for her. No regrets that she didn’t love me, but I did. So, I was ought to help her, and I did.’

No voice could be heard anymore. The room was still and nothing displaced, except the sheet that lay scattered on the floor. Sometimes, its just a bit of courage that you need to overcome your fears. And at least the dream left me some favor, although I don’t suggest that she came as sarcasm but at least she did make me realize that I wasn’t wrong. Still I love her. I am alone, but such dreams are always with me. Well, its night for now and I shall sleep with the sheet covering me!

********************

 


© Copyright 2020 Prakhar Pandey. All rights reserved.

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