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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A semi biography. Some fiction, some not fiction.

Submitted: August 24, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 24, 2012



The way it should be.


Leaning up out the bed, I realize that I have been sleeping next to a person, wife, who has no interest in me what so ever. She doesn’t even want to spend anytime on the weekend with me, taking into account that I work at an office, Monday to Friday, sometimes 10, 11 hours a day. All we normally get together is the weekend. 2 days out of 7. And she says she wants to stay home and do things.

No idea what that means.

Did I tell you I have two kids, beautiful they are, would do anything for them. One boy, aged 6, blonde hair, tall for his age, pretty clued onto things, and a girl, aged 4, she’s the bright one, very clever.

I diverse, its now midnight and here I am sitting along in the lounge room, don’t even have the tv on.

This is where I realize that decisions in life can have their own undesired effects. Take me for example. The woman whom I am not sleeping next to, attempted on several occasions to end the relationship early on. 4 times to be exact. And me always the fool kept going back. I loved her I guess, now that can be debated. Why I ask myself, what happened to change the feelings.


Its me, I realize, not only am I 35 years old, but living with her parents, did I mention that as well, just as I sit here in the quiet, my mother in law comes down, complaining about something or other, she is losing her mind, and things become very repetitive. Always asking the same questions she is.  So as I change the screen I am working on to another to hide what I am really doing, she fumbles around the kitchen. Much older, in her 70’s, very grey hair, fragile looking.


Depression I think they call it. Looking for ways to get out of your meaningless life, which is what I have.

There are subtle ways to help me do this, one, which I am trying is to kill myself with cigarettes. That will probably take a while, so I need to think of other things to do.


Back to it being my responsibility for the position I am in.  my fault, always. That’s the way others see it and now that’s the way I see it. This I need to write down, because there is no other way of me saying it. I’m pretty gutless when it comes to conversations of the heart and mind. Normally its easier for me to write this down and hope that no one finds it, but secretly hoping they do, so I can be free of this guilt.


Not that it’s a bad place to live, but not being able to support your own family, not being able to provide a roof, food, warmth, clothing without the assistance of someone else. That’s a pretty bad place to be.


I guess my history tells a bit of the story, father in the air force, moved around a lot, never got a chance to settle down anywhere. Which has the flow on effect of me having no real friends. No friends actually. A bit of a loner, always have been. That’s the way things are, but are they the way they should have been.


All the decisions in your life are inevitable, your life is set to be determined a certain way and no matter what you do, things will always end up the same. Maybe I can trace me position back to one simple question:


1994 – Frankston – victoria – Australia

My parents are planning a move from this nice seaside suburb, where I have a few friends. Playing the sport I love, very well at it to. They ask me if I would be ok to uproot again and move to another state?

I have a girlfriend, if I say yes, I need to tell her, I am moving away. I’m only 14 at this stage mind you.

I say yes its ok for us to move. What might have been had I said no I don’t want to move. Perhaps things may have ended up the same, perhaps not. A question to ponder, what if?

What if?

Would you call this a biography, maybe, so far it is anyway. We will never know the meaning of life, why we are here, etc.

People try and cram that religious stuff down your throat, where is the evidence. Apart from a book.

Not a very good book at that.

I am a man of science, I believe in evolution, that everything is at random. Then if it is at random, where I am is where I’m supposed to be.


If she attempts to kiss me goodbye in the morning, do I return the motion and brush it off as happens in the bedroom when I attempt some sort of physical contact…

Or do I just act as if there are no issues and continue on in life in misery, would I be happier knowing that she was happier with me gone.  That’s the way it feels at the moment. Not having me around would be of greater benefit to the greater numbers. Me being here is just comforting to me.

Do I take this frank confession of why I have disappeared in the middle of the night, with nothing but the clothes on my back and maybe a hundred bucks in my wallet, and leave it on the nightstand or do I delete this and never mention it again, knowing me, ill delete it and not say a word to anyone. Maybe there is somewhere I can post this short dialogue of my life for others to read and maybe understand if they have had similar experiences.

© Copyright 2018 predetermined. All rights reserved.

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