I never went to bed last night but maybe i should have. I miss my friend and he is gone. I love to sleep but i don't so much. I want to and there is a part of me that doesn't. I think of billy and i know he is okay. It still bothers me that he died that way. Someone out there hurt my best friend. I hate knowing he isn't here anymore. I hate knowing his body doesn't have life in it. I know he loved us and he wouldn't want us to worry so much or hang onto intangible things. I don't know who did it and if i did it wouldn't make much of a difference. It won't bring my friend back. Billy watched me grow up. He soaked my tears with his fur. When my father was deployed, billy guarded the halls of our apartment. He was comfort. My mother got sick , and billy watched her too. If you were lonely , he was there. He couldn't be kept inside though, he loved it. He loved traveling, no matter where we moved. In fallbrook, he crept into the next door graveyard. He loved being on roofs and he was excellent at climbing onto them. He was so agile and fast. A true acrobat. I adore him. To me he was a huge cat, and in his youth he was. He took great pride in his looks...well he was maine coon. Four white paws, he always kept them spotless. He licked and licked till they were spotless once more. His claws were long, and i took pride in that. He once jumped out of my arms in his youth and his hind claws tore my shirt. I figured he was quite the match for any predator , he was fast and fierce. To us he was like a teddy bear. He was my dad's favorite as well. My dad would slip him slices of his steak and boy was billy happy to take it. His favorite snack, the only one he'd take from us without asking, was ranch. He'd come by and if he saw a ranch cup he would lick it before you got a chance to object. After a while we just decided it'd be easier to buy an extra ranch at the food places to give to him. I'd pour some bottled ranch into a food bowl and it would make his day. Billy was a true gentleman as well. He would let the other cats, especially his mother, eat first and he'd come last.
As he died we held him. He felt so small. In my mind he was always so big but in his last hours he felt thin and frail. I watched him suffer and i couldn't do anything for him. The VCA , who cares so much about animals, asked for 70 just to see him. Two hundred for x rays. We're poor we couldn't afford it but we offered to give them things we had. We tried. It wasn't enough. I felt relief when he finally passed away, and i feel guilty about it. I just wanted him to stop suffering. He was a fighter and he wanted to keep fighting for his life, for us. The infection spread from his leg into his brain. When we found him it was already too late. They kept him for days, trapped. We put up signs and called his name. I searched and searched and someone kept him. They must have wanted the reward we had put up for our missing ninja. We knew the reward was enticing for some and that they might try to take my baby for it. When we put up posters with no reward, they probably knew their hard work was worth nothing. Or maybe they did it for fun. Maybe they wanted to hurt us. I don't care why they did it. It doesn't change wrong to right, its still wrong. When i look at pictures of billy, i get mental pictures of his last image. Dead and in a box. It kills me inside. He may only be a cat to other people but to me he was a friend and he was family. I will grieve and i will heal. Billy will forever be my friend , when i am eighty years old i will still think of him. I will appreciate the love, friendship, and comfort he gave me. I always will. We meet friends , partners, and companions along our way through life. They aren't just other people, they can be any kind of creature. They offer us a piece of them to carry with us, and we do the same for them. I miss him like crazy, and i can't sleep very much lately. My broken heart will bind its wounds as it bleeds tears through my sleepless eyes. I'll shut them tonight as i try to sleep. I'll shut them. It will be okay.
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