Dream. A. Dream

Here we go.. 

I've been having these.. "Dreams".. More like Nightmares.. But not really. I always seem to awake before I reach the end though. Never knowing how things turn out. It begins in a place I call "limbo". Where I'm half awake, but half asleep. Where anything is possible on either side of my dreams. My dreams are like life, ready change at a moments notice. Every little thing revolving around what I do. To stay? To go? Red? Green? 10% tip? 20%tip? Everything matters. In my limbo there's utter, complete, darkness. But on the ground there's a straight line forward into the darkness. Just one straight white, glowing, light on the ground, going on and on into the darkness, never ending. 

I hesitantly follow this light. It smells like death here. The cold, heart retching smell tingles and mixes with the hot, humid feeling of the atmosphere. Something's watching me. I'm never alone here in limbo. There's always something here, watching. Not unsuspectingly watching over me, making me safe, but just watching. I slowly step along the light. Never knowing what's gonna happen exactly. Slow croaking noises come from each side of my ear. The right side croaking slightly slower then the left. Blood, bright red, begins to cross the light. Slathered everywhere like a murder scene. I begin to wonder off to the side of the trail. "Not again," I whisper under my breath, I begin to feel the taste of cold metal in my mouth. 

  I hear whispers all around. As I run try to run away they just get louder and louder saying things I can't understand until I see a light, a glorious bright white light, my legs are tired I can run no more, but I run for the light, but I just gets farther and farther away as I reach out for it and gasp for air as I breath heavily  as if the more I breath the faster I get. I finally reach it but I keep running until bam. I'm in the white light, but I fall, like falling off a cliff. I tripped over my own feet and I fall face first into a new un-known. I hit the bottom of the light like a water balloon off a balcony. I feel the sensation of pain tingle threw my whole body. I struggle to get up, not being able to move. But the humid atmosphere and wrenching smell still linger. I crawl over and up to look around. Pure white. Everywhere. I'm not sure which scared me more, the white light, or the black.

I run and run in the light. I felt something chasing me, I don't know what. I just Collapse after 30 seconds, and fall straight threw the white and into a pool of dark red, wet, purple, and black liquid, it tasted of blood. It pulled me down deep under the surface, everything went slow motion I looked right to left back to right my eyes were probably stained with the substance. It drug me to the bottom. My head and eyes forward I saw Something, people. I swam as fast as I could to the people but once I reached it there was a force holding me from them. Glass. I was inside the glass. I banged on it trying to break it, smash it. 

"I know this place. This has happened before." I say in my head as I watch the people move. "My fifth birthday.." I saw younger me running around the yard with my old friends while they all sang a song,"what song?" I wonder. Something was different though, these people, those friends, were faceless. The only person in this memory who had a face, was I. I couldn't make out what the words they were singing were. I watched as they slowly made their way back into the house. My eyes were bright, and full of hope with a smile. They all gathered around the table, the cake was put infront of me. As I blew out the candles everybody stood and cheered. Like I did Something good. Time fast forward. Later that night, my parents were arguing. I tried to look away from this part because I remember what happens next, all too well. But I watch behind the glass. My dad came in and pulled me by my hair into the kitchen I between him and my mother she pulled me by my shirt and yelled in my face, my dad twirled me around and slapped me across the face. Everything faded into black from there. "NO" I screamed "STOP PLEASE" I yelped behind the glass, not being able to help younger me. I hit the glass as hard as I could, nothing happened.

Something began to fade into the darkness. A new memory. Me, once again. It was me when I was about 8. My third grade year. Me and a boy were swinging side by side, laughing like normal kids. But there's Something in my eyes, missing. Like a piece isn't there anymore. Me and this boy were friends.. WERE.. The boy got up and got behind me. He acted as if he was gonna push me, I threw my head back and began to laugh from fun.. As I swung backwards he pushed forward and pushed me out the swing and laughed. Everybody crowded around me  and laughed at my demise. Pointing and making fun. I got up and walked to the otherwise. He offered my swing to a different girl, one he liked. And swung with her. I then spent all my playground time there, in that corner. By myself. I looked away, I hated that memory..

It faded black as a new one arose. In this memory it kind fast forward a little. I was 12. Me and this guy, a different guy from before, were laughing and playing. But in my eyes, it hurt. Half of what was there, when I was five, just disappeared. Gone. This guy and I hung out everyday and after school and went to parks and concerts. He was my only friend. I fell in love.. My 13th birthday.. We were suppose to hang out. I went to his house and he said he was busy. Later that day I was at the mall. And he was there. He was making out with this girl I never even SEEN before my first love.. My heart broke.

I began to feel that pain in my chest, the same pain I felt in that moment. It was way to much pain, a new memory added in. I was 14. I was hiding in the bathroom during a class and sketching, my eyes almost fade, some girl came in. She looked straight at me and said "Ew. The THING is here. You know? Nobody even noticed you were gone, haha. I mean, it's not surprising. Not like anybody cares about you. If you left nobody would care. In fact, go kill yourself. We'd be better off. We don't need more stupid ugly people here" she ripped the drawings from my hands and ripped them up, throwing them in the trash and laughing. I just sat there.

  My heart was aching, I couldn't breath. It seemed like everything was leaving me all at once. The next memory came into view. I was sitting on my bed, my eyes pitch black. Nothing was there anymore. I was soulless. I rolled up my jacket sleeves, and my pant legs and reveled scars and cuts, thousands. They covered my body. The memory me was slowly getting up, it walked over toward the dresser drawers and opened them, reveling a pistol. I pulled the mouth of the gun to my face and put in my mouth, no tears ran down my face. I hid my face as the memory pulled the trigger, "I DON'T REMEMBER THIS, IT NEVER HAPPENED" I screamed. Silence was my response. I looked up. The memory froze.  It began to rewind as I put the gun down and walked backwards to the bed and rolled down my legs and sleeves and the tape stopped rewinding. There was a knock at the door in this version. I got up and went to the door, slowly opening it. It was the boy who pushed me off the swing. He began to apologize for all the mean things that ever happened and I nodded. He took my hand and looked at me. "I'm sorry" he whispered as he hugged me. I awake from the dream in cold sweat and just cry. Because I know those memory's haunt me. But I also know.. I really won't be okay in the end.