Redemption is nonexistent

"No. No, don't say you're sorry! Just don't!"

"But I am. I wasn't able to become the man you wanted." says John, his face devoid of all emotion except for a vacant smile. "I failed you, Mallorie. But I won't do that again. I'll try harder. You won't leave me again. I won't embarass you again."

"Goddamit, John!" I say, hugging him in desperation. "You don't have to do anything! You don't have to do a goddamn thing! Please, just let me help you!"

"I love you, Mallorie. And I'm sorry."

"Just...just come with me, alright? Just come with me."

Seeing him like this is tearing me apart. I was the one who'd slept with nearly half my entire class behind his back. I was the one who'd been impregnated by Patrick while those who I considered my friends had gang-raped him and left him a bleeding, catatonic mess. And after all this, he decides to blame himself. He doesn't lift a finger at me, even though I without question deserve to be despised for what I've become. He still desperately needs me to love him.

And that makes me sick to the stomach. He needs a monster like me to keep him from falling apart. He needs me to be there for him. He is the most unfortunate man I have ever known. And it is all my fault.

It seems like forever since I noticed him on the train. He was a different man then. He was handsome, and cheerful, and shy. I had a crush on him, and my best friend Patrick set the both of us up.

But John was moving too slowly for me. I wanted more from him. I wanted to do more than just hold hands and receive the occasional kiss. And he was struggling to give me more of himself.

So I turned to people who would give me what I wanted. I knew Patrick always had a thing for me, so I fooled the both of us into thinking we were made for each other. And then, when I got bored of him, I turned to anyone else who'd ever shown an interest in me. I thought I had it all under control. I thought that I deserved the affection, love and sex everyone was showering on me, never mind all the deceit and manipulation I'd grown accustomed to dishing out. Everything seemed to be going so perfectly, until my friend Okame and her posse very offhandedly told me about how they'd raped John while I'd been cheating on him.

And then Patrick revealed to the entire class that I'm carrying his child, in retaliation to me attempting to dump him. And now everyone treats me as a paraiah, a slut, and a piece of shit. Which I am.

Heck, the only reason Patrick decided to give me a second chance was because of the baby. He feels it irresponsible to just abandon it, especially since its mother happens to be me.

I was just taking a walk to clear my head when I noticed John just standing still, completely lost. When I approached him, he began apologizing to me.

I can't just leave him like this. I have to help him recover from all the pain I've put him through. I need to atone for what I've done, no matter what.

I book a reservation at this local burger joint I'm familiar with. I'll probably be too full to eat anything Patrick prepares for me tonight, but I need to do this.

My phone is ringing. It's Patrick. I should have expected this.

"Mallorie, where are you?" he says, his tone cordial, but just barely.

"Something came up, Patrick. I don't think I'll be home in time for dinner."

"What, did you find some other boy toy to spend the night with?" he says, his tone instantly turning accusatory.

"No, it's not like that!" I say, growing defensive.

"Then what is it? Because if my memory serves, you haven't been a very trustworthy girl."

"Then why bother asking me at all? I'm probably just going to lie anyway, right?" I'm getting carried away. He's accusing me, and I can't take it. I can't take it.

"Oh, sorry. I was just hoping you'd have grown some sort of spine while talking to me by now, considering that I'm the father of your child!"

"Boy, if John hears what you're saying right now..."

"John? What the hell are you doing with John, Mallorie?!" he says. He's angry now.

"He..he needs me! He needs me more than you do, Patrick!"

"Goddamit, Mallorie, I made this wonderful dinner just for the two of us, and you're saying I don't need you?!"

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"Then what did you mean it like?"

"I found him while I was out for a walk. He's in bad shape, Patrick. He's been waiting for me. I need to help him-"

Loud, crashing noises interrupt me. They're coming from the phone. Patrick has lost it. He's tearing the house apart.

I hang up, and call John out of the burger joint. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. But of course I was wrong.

Of course I was.

I knock on the door of my apartment, and Patrick opens it. And blocks the way in.

"I'm not letting John in here, Mallorie."

"It's my house, Patrick. You don't get to decide who to-"

"You're not getting back together with that man!"

"Look." I say, lowering my voice. "How about we talk this over inside? There's no point in getting the neighbors involved."

Reluctantly, Patrick steps aside and lets me and John inside. I almost gasp in horror after seeing what's become of my place.

The dining table is overturned. All the food Patrick prepared is splattered on the floor. My liquor cabinet has also been smashed to bits. Alcohol has flooded the floor of the living room. Shattered bits of glass and porcelain are everywhere.

"So." Patrick says, closing the door. "Let's talk."

"John is going to be staying here for a while." I say.

"No he isn't." Patrick retorts, cutting me off.

"Patrick, this isn't the time to be so immature-"

"Don't you give me that, Mallorie." he says. "You're the biggest immature fuck I have ever seen in my life."

His extremely aggressive behavior is terrifying me. I need him to listen to me before things escalate.

"Patrick, John is a mess. He needs my help."

"No, you're trying to get back together with him so that you don't have to raise our child with me!"

"It's not that simple-"

"Bullshit!"

"Shut up, Patrick." John says, and I turn to him in horror. Things are escalating. I don't want them escalating.

"You seduced Mallorie. You conspired to take her away from me. After the way you've used her, you have absolutely no right to make any demands of her."

"Are you really that fucking dense?" says Patrick, incredulous. "I haven't done a goddamn thing! She came running to me!"

"As I recall, it was your suggestion to be her practice boyfirend, was it not? What a laughably transparent ruse. And yet she trusted you enough to go along with it. And sadly, you were able to provide her with what I couldn't. You even sent your own agents to further sabotage my relationship with her."

Patrick is quiet for a bit. The remark about the practice boyfriend idea must have stung him, which means he did have an ulterior motive when he suggested it to me. But I was the one who gave in. I am still at fault.

"Look, that practice boyfriend thing was nothing but a stupid suggestion. I would have dropped it too if Mallorie hadn't agreed to run with it. And I didn't send any fucking agents to ruin your relationship with her."

"Really? Then why has she been sleeping with all of your friends, including Steve?"

"My friends?" Patrick says, turning to me. "Mallorie...you didn't..."

I hang my head in shame. Even now, the skeletons keep tumbling out. I have lied to Patrick and John for so long.

"Oh. I see. It turns out your friends had agendas of their own." says John, with a smile. "Well, it's all in the past now. What matters is the fact that I've learned my lessons." he says, turning to face me.

"I know what kind of man you want, Mallorie." he continues, caressing my face. "And I'm ready to be that man now. I won't waver anymore." he leans in for a kiss.

I kiss him back. It feels wonderful to kiss John like this. To be able to feel him like this. I can hear his heartbeat now. I never thought he was capable of this...this intimac-

"MALLORIE! PLEASE, NO!" the anguished cry snaps me out of my bliss.

I look at horror towards Patrick. He's in tears, and needs to hold the table for support. He's shaking severely, and his eyes are filled with rage and hurt.

Have I pushed him too far? I should've known better than to kiss John in front of him. He wasn't ready for that. But it's too late now, too late.

"John, head over to the bedroom. I'll meet you there." I say.

John complies with my request with a knowing smile. I didn't want him to do that. That's not why I asked him to go there.

But it's too late. Patrick has seen him go with that smile. It's too late.

"Patrick..." I begin. I want to apologize. I want to beg him for forgiveness for the way I've treated him. I want to say something, anything, that will wipe those tears off his face.

But I can't. I can't give him what he wants. And if I tell him that...

"I'm not keeping the baby." I say, finally.

He looks up at me. "No." he says, sounding downright terrified.

"I can't do it." I say, my voice flat and steady. This is the only way it can end.

"It's not just your baby, Mallorie!" he says, screaming at the top of his voice.

"I can't be a mother, Patrick. If you want the baby, you'll have to raise it without me."

"No. You're leaving me for him. That's why you're doing this." he says.

"John needs me, and it's pretty clear that you and I can't stand each other. I can't live with you for even one more day, Patrick."

"I...I can change..."

"It doesn't matter. I've made my decision."

"Mallorie, please..."

"I'm going to find out about the clinics available in the vicinity. I'll make an appointment and get the abortion within two weeks. If you want to take the baby for yourself, you have until then to let me know."

"You...YOU FUCKING BITCH!" he screams, and punches me in the jaw. It hurts so badly that I end up screaming. John promptly dashes out of the bedroom and heads towards me. By the time I return to my senses, I see that the door is open, and Patrick is gone.

Day by day, my life carries on. John knows some good clinics in town that can get the job done with minimal hassle, but I hold out, just in case Patrick decides to contact me. Two whole weeks pass. He doesn't.

The day I dispose of the baby is completely uneventful otherwise. John waits outside of the clinic, seeming almost eager to console and comfort me. I am in need of neither. I've done what needs to be done.

As the days go by, I can see John healing. He's slowly coming back to his older self. I don't know how long he'll need me as a crutch, but I'm starting to think I don't mind it. Maybe I do want to be with him after all.

And then one day I receive a text, and it's from Patrick. It merely says. "Can we talk? Alone? Your apt, Saturday morning."

John doesn't seem to mind this. He cheerfully encourages me to agree to this meeting. He's hoping we can begin to mend our relationship with Patrick, since neither of us have had any contact with him since he stormed out of my apartment that night. He dropped out of our school, and none of our friends or acquaintances ever heard from him since.

I wait in my apartment on Saturday. I am an early riser, so I doubt I overslept and missed his arrival.

Sure enough, the doorbell rings, and it's Patrick waiting outside.

"Hi." I say.

He walks in without a word, and quietly surveys my place.

I close the door, and stand beside him, trying my level best to maintain a cheerful facade.

He then turns to me, and asks me a question, "Did you do it?"

"The abortion? Yes, I did." I reply.

"I see. Where's the restroom? It's been a while since I've been here." he says.

I point him in the right direction.

I awkwardly wait for him to come out, when suddenly, my phone vibrates.

It's a text message. From Patrick.

"Sorry.......

..........

..........

..........

..........

Goodbye"

I hear a loud bang, which promptly jolts me up. I see blood all over my carpet. Drops of blood seem to be peppering my hands, and after a few seconds, I am able to process what's on the floor.

It's Patrick. I see a revolver close to one of his hands. I see the blood pooling around him. I can make out a reddish hole in his head. I can see that he's not moving.

It's only seconds after I've realized he's dead that I hear the doorbell ringing. I can't bring myself to walk to it. I don't want to open the door. I don't want anyone to see this. I want this to be a dream. I want to wake up.

The door opens anyway. I feel paralyzed by a sense of dread and terror. It's John. He has the keys to my apartment.

"What is this?" he says, approaching Patrick's body. "Did he try to kill you, Mallorie?"

"No! What the hell are you talking about?" I burst out.

"Oh. I just thought you might have killed him in self-defense." says John. "But I'm pretty sure you had your reasons regardless."

"I didn't kill him, John!" He's losing it. John must be losing his mind to believe I would do such a thing.

"Oh, so he killed himself." John says. "But in that case, why are you so sad?"

"B...because he's dead!" I scream. 

"But you didn't kill him. You have nothing to be sad about."

"What do you mean? He was a friend of mine! I loved him, and he's dead!"

"But you stopped loving him, didn't you? You shouldn't cry for him if you didn't love him anymore."

"What is wrong with you?!" I snap. "Of course I still loved him! Why would I meet with him if I didn't?!"

"Are you saying...that you've been seeing him behind my back, Mallorie?"

"What?" I say, almost shouting it out. John's behavior is beginning to terrify me now. His reaction to Patrick's suicide is outright abnormal, and I am beginning to fear for my own life.

"You say you still loved him, didn't you, Mallorie? But hadn't you promised you would only love me once he'd left?"

"But...but in that sense it's true. I'm committed to you, John. I'm your girlfriend."

"If you were committed to me, you wouldn't be reacting to his death this way. I don't care who lives or dies, Mallorie, as long as I have you. Why don't you feel the same way for me?"

"This...this is ridiculous, John. Love doesn't work that way. Look, how about we just calm down? I'll call the police and-"

In seconds, John has picked up Patrick's revolver, and he is now aiming it at me.

"I think you killed Patrick to cover up your infidelity towards me. I'm afraid I'll have to kill you for that. If only you'd decided to be honest about it, I might have forgiven you."

"No, John, put the gun down-" a gunshot and my own screams cut off that sentence. I am bleeding from the stomach.

Another gunshot pushes me further up against the couch. My vision is beginning to fade.

A third gunshot. I can't sit up straight anymore. My body tumbles down to the floor, unable to hold its own against gravity.

I feel like laughing. All the time I spent to make up for the things I did. And now I'm about to die because my boyfriend ended up insane anyway.

The next gunshot is a muffle. I can't hear anymore.

***

Stupid Mallorie. She just had to go cheating on me again. And commit a murder to cover it up! Of course I had to punish her for that. I was willing to forgive her the other times because I thought she would end up loving me eventually. But I guess that was not to be. Patrick had corrupted her beyond the point of no return. Hell he even died because of it. Not my fault.

Look at their limp bodies. Man, the blood is sticky. Anyway, not much more to do here. This place is starting to smell.

Oh wait, I forgot to call Mallorie before I left here! She'll be so annoyed I left her alone with Patrick! She'd told me to come and bail her out of that meeting! She said Patrick was in a very bad mood and he might try something funny with her. Better go back in before it's too late!

Oh, Mallorie! What's that? Oh, so you had to kill Patrick in self-defense because he tried to rape you? Wow, that's so stupid of him! I would never have expected him to stoop to that level! Anyway, I understand why you had to kill him, Mallorie! I won't tell a soul! Even though it's not my fault it happened.

This is a nice boat, isn't it Mallorie? I'm sorry I could only bring along your head, the rest of your body was too heavy to carry. But it looks like you're enjoying yourself just fine. Yeah, even I'm pretty bummed about what happened with Patrick. You're sure he didn't kill himself because I took you away from him, right? Because if he did, and it's all my fault...

No, no, I'm sorry Mallorie! I'm sorry I ever doubted you! Man, I need to stop blaming myself for these things. Of course, I understand you had no choice in the matter. I would have done the same in your place!

Anyway, we're finally going to be together forever! Enjoy the boat ride, Mallorie! I love you!