A non romantic on something we all call love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Uh. My feelings and thought process this evening.

Submitted: November 29, 2012

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Submitted: November 29, 2012

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The thing I always wonder about tales of love is why they don’ttell you it hurts this bad when whatever it all is, isover. How the breath gets knocked out of your lungs for a second and you’re left with nothing. This sort ofnothing, empty, feeling in the bottom of your stomach that wasn’t there even when before they came into your life. And how you feel the same way, the same way that made you’ happy’ a few minutes ago, a few hours ago, a few days ago, but now it’s unattainable so it just hurts like hell. You had it all and then poof, it’s gone! Ta-Da! And you’re supposed to be okay with it. Cry a couple tears, eat some chocolate and get over it. And you do. You do get over it. Time passes and you keep on truckin. But in the mean time? Oh, honey. It’s a little more than tears and chocolate.No one tells you how every time you see that personout of the corner of your eye, your heart still skips that extra beat and you have to turn around and smile about some unimportant conversation you’re having with some person. They don’t tell you how your brain won’t just shut the hell up when you climb into bed and try to put it towards sleep, when you’re not even tired anymore. Or how re-runs of good things they said or did that now simply hurt to remember still play through your head and you give some weak attempt (failingly so) to ignore them. That that good day full of fake and real smiles you just had just disappeared as soon as you realized it was all a distraction from certain forbidden thoughts. Brushing it off as "whatever" was just a defense, a damn good defense,because nothing is really just whatever.And now you’re left with walls down because nobody’s there but you.Building those between yourself is astory for another time.Nobody tells you that stuff. Nobody's therewitha big redflashingsign thatwarns you saying"HEY DUDE THISIS ABOUT TO SUCK." and ifsomebody did, I missed it while I was high on the adrenaline. I think we all might miss it while we're high.However, I’m sure as hell that nobody tells you about how when they’re your friend, one of your best friends, and you see them every fucking day that it’s almost impossible to get over them. Because part of getting over them is forgetting about them. And you can’t. And when they walk up to you, your heart still skips that goddamn little beat no matter how much you don’t want it to. No matter how much you want to get them out of your head, like that at least, you don’t even have a chance to. And I think love is supposed to go along with happiness, right? I have found this far from true. I have found that love (at least loving somebody over time) goes hand in hand with some things good,yes, andsome things bad. Maturity.Strength.Sense of self.Compromise. Tolerance.But at most given times happiness is not one of them. Talk to anybody who’s been in love for a while. You definitely need a lot ofmaturity thrown in there. Andyes,no denying thatyou do feel good, you do feel happy. But I feel like it’s more of a rush of emotions unexplainable and adrenaline all in one. And you get addicted to that rush. It’s so good.It’s like railing a line of some good coke or taking too many shots.Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so damn high in this country. Marriage is about love now, not land or wealth or social status. And while land, wealth, and social status do notparticularily fade, that emotional adrenaline rush does. And when it does, reality’s still there.Getting through reality while in love is probably one of the more difficult things you’ll attempt. And alone? A little easier.Sometimes.Somaybe we’re all actually destined to die alone. I mean, technically, you do anyways.(It's a good questionif humans,orour primitalanimal instincts we have so surpassed, are monogamous or polygamous?)I’ve believed in a forever. I’ve been promised a forever a few times. And let me tell you, it's somebullshit.Those forevers and promises disappeared a long time ago. I’m still here. So where’s my forever bitch? Haha, no, I joke. But in all seriousness, I stopped believing in forevers and promises of such a verylong time ago, when the first one disappeared with nothing more than a realization.Because for a minute there, I actually did believe. And then I realized this is life, where all that shit you thought would never happen, happens. You cannot, and will not ever be able to predict the future. Lengths of time, long or short,do exist, and love canexistin them. Butforevers don’t.

So, at the end of my day today, November 29, 2012, I’m going to sleep having lost some faith in this crazy stuff we call love and making it last more than some short period of time. Not that I woke up with a bunch of faith to begin with. Love is just a word for undefinable feelings and it comes in many different shapes and forms, however I’m referring to the romantic category here. Because marriages end in divorce, (and death, but shit, nobody would last forever if we didn’t die. Y’all would drive each other crazy at some point.) the high ends in a bad come down called reality, and relationships or non relationships where you feel so good, end in feeling like this.The come down. The hangover part. Wish I had some chocolate. Unable to stop playing re runs in my head and distracting myself with a little writing of the emotions so I can put some definition on messy thoughts that don’t stop bugging me until I write them down and stop bottling it all up in the brain, and drowning the rest of them out with music, so I can stop feeling so shitty when there’s nobody left but me and the light from my laptop.

Chapter closed.


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