The Bear Game
There is one very deadly and very exhilarating sport that is on the rise in popularity. This is the subtle sport of hitting a bear in the balls and surviving to tell about it. Each year hundreds of people throw their lives away due to playing the Bear Game without giving it any thought. If someone wants to play the Bear Game then careful preparations must be made and information must be gathered. The information needed in order to succeed is: the time to strike, your own personal endurance and stamina, your surroundings, the bear itself, and some basic nature and survival skills to get to your bear. Each one of these topics will be covered in detail to ensure your victory while playing the Bear Game.
First up is the need to know what time to strike. Time doesn’t just mean the time of day, but the season of the year as well as the time of day. Never strike a hibernating bear. Ever. That’s just pathetic and downright rude. Besides, it ruins the whole danger aspect of the game if the bear doesn’t wake up. Some bears don’t even hibernate because their natural habitats don’t go below freezing or enter any conditions that require the bear to hibernate. Bears are excellent hunters at night so unless you want an entirely ridiculous, and slightly impossible challenge, don’t attack after dark. The absolute best time to attack a bear’s family jewels is to sneak up behind them at roughly 2:22 pm during a spring or summer month. If you want to try and figure out your own time to strike feel free to get run down and eaten alive by the bear in question.
Next up on the list of things to take into consideration before running up to a bear and punting him in the balls is your own endurance and stamina. One huge part of the Bear Game is the ability to haul complete and total ass. If you cannot escape from an angry, rampaging bear you will lose the game. Your physical stamina and endurance must be that of a horse, or at least of someone that can keep up with the strong urge not to be mauled by a bear. It is recommended that if you can't run a mile in under ten minutes that you refrain from playing the Bear Game, but that’s absolutely up to you. If you do survive playing the Bear Game you get the added bonus of being able to brag about giving an unsuspecting bear a cheap shot, and who doesn’t want those bragging rights?
Third on the list of things to do is to be extremely aware of your surroundings. It helps if you live in a forest for around three years prior to starting a round of the Bear Game. If this isn’t a possibility Google maps will suffice for a quick replacement. Since bears are usually well versed in forest travel and survival they will generally have the upper hand unless you are some crazy forest dwelling nut job. If you are a crazed forest dweller then the Bear Game is like playing chess to us civilized, non-crazy hippies of modern society. If you aren’t able to map out an escape route from your poor bear target, or your current escape plan goes to crap by unforeseen circumstances, then you must be able to examine your surroundings and quickly make decisions at the same time. If your mind is not sharp and quick while running for your life you will most definitely trip on a small rock, over a stick or on a small forest dwelling critter. This inevitable slip up will give the bear a nice meal and you will be laughed at in the afterlife for your pitiful performance. There is nothing worse than being the laughing stock of your respective afterlife for tripping over a squirrel while hauling ass from a very angry, and possibly rabid, bear.
Next up, and the most important thing to consider in your participation in the Bear Game, is the bear itself. There are a good handful of bear species that you can target for your game, the most popular is the brown bear. Some other possibilities are: the panda bear, the sloth bear (yes its real, I Googled it), and the black bear. Both the panda bear and the sloth bear are natives of Asian countries and are quite docile creatures. Honestly though, how docile do you expect them to be after pegging them in the stones out of nowhere? The brown and black bears aren’t the nicest creatures but there won’t be any shocking mood changes if you hit one in the balls because they are basically always pissed off. Neither the panda bear, nor sloth bear hibernate so your thoughts about cheap shotting a docile monster while he naps just got thrown down a fire escape. The same cannot be said about the black and brown bears as both do indeed hibernate, but a well placed nut shot may wake them long enough to eat your face. All of this previous information means jack squat if you can't tell a female bear from a male one. If you go up and football punt a lady bear in the groin they may not react with the same painful reaction a male bear would. Instead they would probably kick you in the chest and have their bear cubs eat you while you lay on the ground. Not the best way to spend your afternoon.
On another note, just because it has the word bear in its name doesn’t make it an actual bear. One great example of this is the koala bear. Koalas aren’t bears so don’t look for one and kick it the nuts then brag about winning the Bear Game. If you do thunder punt a koala in the balls you will go to the deepest, darkest level of any type of hell. Anyway, make sure you pick your bear target carefully for the best result. Every species of bear has three subtypes of bear: a baby bear (bear cub), a bear that is in its prime, and an old bear. There are also crippled bears but they can be anyone of the three bear subtypes. Bear cubs are never to be targeted. If you do target a baby bear you lose the Bear Game and should just walk away shamefully. Besides, kicking a bear cub in the nads is like sneaking up on a toddler and roundhouse kicking it, in the face, without mercy. If you do ignore this warning and Chuck Norris a bear cub in the nads anyway your children will be cursed with leprosy and/or an upside down face. Think of that next time you see a baby bear.
The bear that is in its prime is only for masters of the Bear Game, or for ballsy newbies. Either way there is a greater chance of lying face down in your entrails. If you do try to target a bear in its prime try, at least, looking for a crippled one. This may sound horrible and morally wrong, but how can you complain now if the entire point of the sport is kicking unsuspecting bears in the gonads? Older bears are for the casual player of the Bear Game that doesn’t want to die in half a second. If you do look for an older bear try and choose the one with the largest amount of visible grey hair. For those of you that want an even easier target then an elder bear, you can go after a crippled old bear. If you are feeling conflicted morally right now then how did you make it this far? Anyway, a crippled elderly bear is the perfect target for the cautious new guy that wants to play this game. The best kinds of crippled bears are the ones with one or more injured legs or a blind one. Half of the Bear Game is scouting out your fuzzy victims. If you are so lucky it’s almost unhealthy you may stumble upon a blind bear with a bum leg or two. Don’t count on that happening at all, I just made that up.
Last up on the list of things you need or need to know is general nature and survival skills. How do you expect to find a bear let alone surviving after kicking him in the stones if you can't even hold your own alone in nature? It helps to know the things that can and can't be eaten while you search for a bear that matches your skill set. Be sure to know what plants are poisonous, or man-eating, and be able to identify poison ivy. If you contract poison ivy before the big hunt you are as good as dead because bears actually plant poison ivy around their locations and have developed a keen sense of smell for the toxic plant to thwart any unwanted groin assaults. Contrary to popular belief bears are allergic to honey in a way that temporarily paralyzes them. If you see a beehive that means you are at least two miles away from the nearest bear. When hunting for a bear don’t make a temporary campsite because then the bear will smell the tent, the fire, you and whatever else you decided to bring along with you. If you want another edge over a bear then find some pine cones and pine needles, they are like crack-cocaine for bears when combined. All you need to do is heat them up, wrap them together, and then throw them on the ground, either before or after you strike, so the bear pays all his attention to that. In this small window of time you must, without hesitation, run the hell away.
In case you somehow zoned out I will summarize what you should have learned. The best way to win the bear game is to target an old crippled bear. Going after bear cubs will, without a doubt, send you straight to your respective hell. You must have chosen the best time to strike your specific bear. Always run immediately after unleashing a world of hurt on a bear’s groin. Never linger to point and laugh, that will give the bear ample time to gnaw off your legs. Make sure your target does, in fact, have the correct anatomical features to kick. It totally defeats the purpose of the game if you hit a girl bear in between the legs. Make sure you have, at the very slowest, a ten minute mile run. Just because bears look fat doesn’t mean they can't run like the wind. Always scan the terrain before you hit the bear and while you are on the run from said bear. One stray twig or rock or a misplaced footstep can land you a one-way ticket to the inside of a bear’s stomach. Koala bears are not actual bears so don’t try to get a cheap win by pegging a koala in the nuts. Chances are if you’re so manly and strong that you need to pick on a cute and harmless koala bear, the koala will end up kicking your ass. Based on the information you have learned, do you think you could win at the Bear Game? If so, would you continue playing the Bear Game after one success?
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