Redneck Wedding

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Abbreviated nuptials in a hospital room

Submitted: March 28, 2007

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Submitted: March 28, 2007

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In 1995, I gave birth to my first baby, a little girl named Ariana. Her first cry was the the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life! Women have the unique privilege of pushing life into the world. Labor is always painful, but the agony is SO worth it in the end!

While I recuperated in that Mississippi hospital room, it became necessary for legal purposes that my boyfriend Tom and I get married IMMEDIATELY. There was no time to plan a nice wedding. The nuptials had be performed in a HURRY.

I was sore from the birth and it would be a few days before I would be on my feet again, so the joy of hastily planning our wedding fell on Tom. He had to deal with the marriage licenses and blood tests. On top of this, he had to find a Justice of the Peace who would be willing to perform a very FAST wedding ceremony on just a few hours’ notice.

Early that afternoon, he dragged himself into my recovery room. He was TIRED. He looked as though HE had just been through labor and delivery!

"When’s the wedding?" I asked, cradling my little newborn in my arms.

"Four-thirty," he replied.

"I’ll be here," I said. There was no time for a pretty wedding gown. A hospital gown would have to do.

I don’t know how in the world it got out, but the news spread like wildfire that some crazy redneck couple was going to tie the knot in a recovery room at 4:30 that afternoon. A sign on the door read, "Mother With Baby. Do Not Disturb." Ironically, at 4:00, hospital staff began to pour into the room! I was still high as a kite from giving birth and welcomed EVERYBODY to have a look at my beautiful little girl, but at the back of my mind I was wondering, "Who’s taking care of the patients?" The room was crowded with hospital staff members anxious to attend the wedding! It was a blast!

The Justice of the Peace arrived at the hospital on time, but he was in a hurry because one of his cows was in labor and he had to rush to help with the birth. He had to de-calfinate her. Dressed in hip boots, he was ready to perform the ceremony and run back home to his cow.

The licenses stuck out of his back pocket.

"Sign the papers!" he commanded Tom, handing him the documents. Tom hastily put his signature on them and then gave them to me to sign as well.

The Justice of the Peace stood at the foot of my bed. I laid there in my wedding/hospital gown. Ariana slumbered peacefully at my side, still tired from the move.

"Grab hands!" he instructed. So we grabbed hands.

He pointed at Tom and asked, "Does you?"

"Yup!" he replied.

He pointed at me and asked, "Does you?"

"Yup!" I replied.

"Then y’all ARE!"pronounced the Justice of the Peace.

We was hitched! The abbreviated wedding ceremony was absolutely legal. We did it in record time, too, about thirty seconds! The hospital staff erupted in applause!

Tom thanked the nice man and paid him for his services. Then the Justice of the Peace flew down the hospital corridors to get back to his heffer. My beautiful baby shared the same birthday with a pretty little Mississippi calf that day.

The wedding guests congratulated us as they left one by one, and Tom and I were left to admire our baby again. Minutes later, however, they were BACK!

"We didn’t have any wedding cake in the kitchen," a cafeteria worker explained to me, "but we brought this!"

I laughed as she brought in a beautiful yellow cake with chocolate frosting! It was the sweetest gesture I'd ever seen! The staff didn’t stop there, either. They had brought little plastic cups of apple juice with tin foil on top! It was PARTY time!

If Tom and I had planned a wedding reception ourselves, I don’t think it would have been as much fun as that one was. We had a ball feasting on cake and drinking apple juice! That was the best wedding cake I’ve ever tasted! (Maybe it tasted so good because it was brought on the spur of the moment by kitchen workers with really big hearts.)

When the cake and apple juice were gone, the cafeteria worker handed me an envelope.

"We took up an offering for you and your new husband," she said. "This is from us and the rest of the staff!"

Well, Tom and I hadn’t expected wedding presents at all, but cash is welcome to a struggling couple ANYTIME. I thanked the kitchen workers from the bottom of my heart.

As they left to let us spend more time our new baby, I mused, "That’s the best redneck wedding I’ve ever been to!"


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