Wedding Dreams and Disapointment

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Blog of feeling

Submitted: December 28, 2013

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Submitted: December 28, 2013

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It really hit me last night like a crashing wave of reality. I know we get those throughout our life but I need to express it and I don’t even know where to start.

When I was young I dreamt of my wedding day, just like I am sure most girls do. I adored the idea of being that powerful and beautiful princess for a day and feeling that absolute fairytale love if only for a moment. I was never a disillusioned child that believed in a perfect happily ever after, but I did imagine a real wedding.

I have always loved the dresses, the gowns that have no other appropriate place than at a wedding.  The dress that would touch the ground all the way around me feet so no one would know I was barefoot.  I adored the idea of the flowers and the veil and the stunning looks of superficial beauty. I wanted to be that queen for a day no matter how vein that sounds.  It wasn’t just the dress though. I pictured a proud father giving me away and happy faces all around me. I picture family and friends excited and believing in the future that I was celebrating.

I pictured the dances and the drinks, the elegant outdoor wedding of my dreams. I pictured it a celebration of love and hope for what was to come.

I realized as a teenager that I may have lost that dream. It came crashing down the more I felt like I would never fall in love. The more I felt like I was broken and destined to have irrational desires and self-hatred for my feelings.  It took me a very long time to accept the truth of my attraction to women. I have always wanted and needed close friends, so I thought that my emotions were just confused in this and I would eventually know what “real” love felt like. I wanted to turn an infatuation into something permanent. I wanted to eventually get married and have a future that was played out in my childhood.

My desperation took me to places that I cannot even begin to explain. My self-worth being tied to my acceptance and love from others lead me to self-medicating and self-destruction.  To say the least my story has had its ups and downs.

I met her in this unlikely place of lost hope and near death.  She looked at me like I wasn’t completely destroyed. I didn’t know if I could give her enough in return for her love because I didn’t know if I even believed I had it in me. With my belief in her and her belief in me, we came out of that dark place together. Through her I learned to dream again. Through her I found that I did love and know what it felt like, I just needed to learn to accept it. We aren’t perfect for each other by any means but what has been perfect the entire time is that we loved each other.  I never came to my family and told them I was gay, I didn’t have the strength at the time. I didn’t force anyone to accept me; I just started to live as if it was someday possible.  I kept her by my side and she stayed there. She walked with me through fire for two years before finally asking me.

With everything she had, Laura asked me to marry her. She got us rings that were beautiful if not expensive. Her proposal was so important and perfect. She took me out to a little park. It was right around my birthday. I knew she was up to something but I kept my mouth shut.  She sat me down and kissed me, pushing the ring into my mouth. I was overwhelmed with how much love and thought went into this, her proposal left me speechless. I said yes amidst a dark cloud of reality that said we were yet again against the world in our future.

June 17, 2006 we did it. We had spent months rolling and counting change. Her mother helped us pay for what we could not but we kept it as simple as possible. We hand made our invitations and decorated ourselves.  We got married up the canyon at the Spruces Campground renting out a pavilion that looked like a little cabin. We forgot to light the torches and wore sandals on our feet.  We found matching white skirts and tried to find shirts that suited our styles. I put a flower in my hair and downplayed the importance of this day.

Our ceremony was worded perfectly and I don’t think I could do it any better today. The words rang true and beautiful. That probably was the best part of the whole day, knowing that those words were my commitment.  I have great pictures and memories from that time, despite the cloud of disapproval. Despite the fact that there weren’t that many people happy for us. Despite our lack of dreams coming true and the fact that our union was a spiritual one and not legally binding. My father wasn’t proud, my mother still mourning the loss of the daughter she wanted. My only other family present was looking completely disgusted.  Besides, of course, my birth mom and half-brother who were very supportive.

Laura’s mother was trying to be happy for us, her family not knowing how to react. Our few friends in attendance were still trying to find us again after drugs had taken us away.

Our honeymoon consisted of one night at the Little America, courtesy of Laura’s amazing mother. The wedding that was planned to take hours only lasted about one, and when everyone left we helped clean up and then didn’t know what to do. I remember walking around at the Gateway mall and feeling a bit lost.

Overall my wedding was happy and beautiful. If I had been a good person I would have been happy and satisfied with all the hard work and love that went into it. We had help from others and we tried to fit all the things in that were important to us.  I should have never started to think of more.

For the next six years we built a life that I am very proud of. We have had our hard times and we have struggled through them all. We have worked our way up from the bottom that we created and have built a life together that has proven so many people wrong. My family has come a long way in acceptance and we have more good friends in our lives today than ever before.

One of our dreams finally came true in the last year, and we are going to be adding a new addition to our family. This too was met with some excitement but my cloud of doubt still hanging over my head. I have so many dreams that seem to be overshadowed by my concern for what other people think. I don’t know how to just ignore every negative and just be overjoyed and excited for my little family.  The excitement took over and by my birthday this new little addition was the happiest thing in the world all around. No one could take that away from me.

We knew that since we weren’t legally married that we needed to get some legal paperwork to make sure to protect our family. I had turned in legal medical power of attorney paperwork in to my doctor and started to look into how to protect Laura and link her to our baby.  I knew this wouldn’t be easy but very important.

The news and whirlwind of change in the gay marriage fight has been something to watch this last year. We have talked and dreamed about our marriage one day being legal and what that would mean if it was. My hopes began to resurface. I began to hope for something again. Laura and I talked about what we would do. We talked about going to another state to get married, but decided that Utah was home and until it was legal here we wouldn’t get married again.  Despite the fact that I didn’t think Utah would legalize it any time soon; I started planning again with Laura.

We said that our new little girl would be the flower girl, and my son would be the ring bearer. I thought I would get a dress this time and a real engagement and wedding ring. I dreamed of the wedding that was accepted more and legal. One that everyone would be supportive of and our finances wouldn’t stop us from having things that we wanted. I wanted to get a limo for wife because she has never been in one. I wanted to renew the vows that we said years ago, and show the world that my love meant just as much as anyone else’s.

I wanted to feel beautiful and elegant and have nothing but joy surrounding us. We said that this time we would take a honeymoon. A vacation away from here that we didn’t have to drive to, something exotic and just to celebrate our union.  I planned to do it right basically.

As I write this I am still trying to put together the words to describe how it is my turn to mourn the loss of my silly dream of a wedding. I need to appreciate that I was a part of history this year.  On December 20th, 2013 the most monument and surprising thing happened. The federal court ruled Utah’s amendment three, which banned gay marriage, was unconstitutional, effectively making gay marriage legal in the state of Utah.  The emotion was almost immediate. I cried for the impossibility of it. They weren’t expected to rule on this case until next year.  I was at work and it took a while for it to all truly sink in. My hope has been opened like a wound. There are still so many against it, and the joy is overwhelming but overshadowed. The future of my marriage possibility within a reachable distance that I couldn’t have explained how I felt.  When they started posting about the first licenses and couples that got married, some of my friends included, I was filled with emotion. I didn’t, however, think to run down to the court house and get married myself.

I had plans.

I had dreams. Dreams that just became possible.

Reality took the weekend to set in. That if they put an emergency stop to the issuing of licenses and the appeal goes through, this may be our only opportunity to get married legally for a while. An appeal could take years to go through.  Getting a legal marriage would provide my wife the security and benefits that she needs to provide for our family if something were to happen to me. It would mean that we would no longer get taxed on our insurance premium through my work because she is not a legal dependent.  It would mean that she would federally and legally be my next of kin and no one would question that authority. Above all it could mean the possibility of placing her name on the birth certificate of our child that is due in March 2014. It means making our union legitimate and recognized by our bank accounts and taxes, and all those practical things that people don’t realize they have.

So we became a part of history. On Monday, December 23, 2013 we went down to the Salt lake County Bldg and stood in line starting at 6:30 AM in order to get a marriage license before they put an emergency stop to it. They were worried that it could all end at 9 or 10 AM.

With growing panic in Laura and fears of missing our opportunity, we followed advice at 9 AM and got in our car and drove the 40 miles to Summit County Clerk’s office in Coalville UT. We were not talking and in such a hurry that Laura got a speeding ticket on our way there while I was crying because I was scared of the weather and roads.

 Within 15 minutes of walking through the door we had our marriage license. With me listed as the groom on one paper and Laura listed as the groom on the other.  With tears in my eyes I stared at that paper. I took a picture before it was even signed and tried to express to the world what that little piece of paper meant to us, but the words on Facebook  were insufficient  to describe it.

Without much thought of trying to save my pathetic dream, we were shown upstairs to the council chambers where a handful of people including the Mayor of Park City, Dana Williams, stood ready to marry the next couple in line. I stood there so exhausted and emotional holding my shaking hand in Laura’s as he went over the wedding ceremony in a blur. I was happy it wasn’t completely generic as he did give an apache blessing in it.  I was teary and overjoyed at the love I found in Laura at all times.

We had no rings to exchange, I was not even dressed nicely, and feeling over emotional and faint in my pregnant body.  The pictures taken by a stranger, witnessed by women that I had never met. Not a single friend or family member present.

We did it to make sure that our baby was protected, but every day that it continues feels like our panic and rush was unjustified. I did it for Laura. So that she would know how important she is to me and how important it is for her to be linked to this baby.  How could I have hesitated, how selfish have I been as I have hesitated to her expense because I wanted something more. I have hurt her in the past by letting things overshadow us.  I could not and would not do that again.

I don’t know what it means for us now. I know that I must let go of any dreams I had of a wedding that will never happen. I am not going to get married again, that would be silly. I hope someday we will get to pick out real wedding rings. I will celebrate my wedding anniversary as June 17th every year, and someday I hope that I can give my kids the wedding of their dreams…no matter what they decide their dreams are.


© Copyright 2020 R White. All rights reserved.

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