Everything will be fine

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The things that go through my mind when my boyfriend and I are having troubles. This is a true story of what actually happened that night of 9/14/07. It is written from my point of view as a journal writing and it is pretty short. Please read how I feel and get inside my head.

Submitted: September 14, 2007

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Submitted: September 14, 2007

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I stare at him across the bed, seeing him with the blue faded light of the alarm clock. I just want him to look at me; I wish that we could talk.  A tear rolls down my face as I stare at his. Why don't we kiss anymore?

He moves his body a little bit, just slightly. I place my head on his shoulder, hoping that his arm will go around me. It doesn't. I silently cry and I feel his shoulder start to get wet underneath my cheek. Then he moved. He moved away from me. Can't you just hold me for a while?

I stay still, staring at his back. I hear the fan, I hear the clock, I hear the faint buzzing of a generator outside and the faded footsteps of someone walking in the apartment above me. I hear everything but him. I want to hear him say it, but I want him to mean it. Do you love me?

It's now midnight, but it started when we were climbing into bed... it was 10:00. He just wanted to have sex. I should have had sex with him. We just had sex this morning... meaningless sex, but he wanted it again. I should have just given him what he wanted. I said I wasn't in the mood and he just said "Fine. I'll just have sex with my other friend, Nikki. Nicole.... Nicole Milne." He trailed off. Then he rolled onto his stomach and went to bed, and I left the room. Would you rather have her than me?

Nicole was a friend of ours from high school. They never dated, they never had sex, but about once a month he talks to her; about once a month she comes up in our conversations. She lives in New York now... he lives in Minnesota. She's my friend; she would never go with him... Why do you mention her if you know it hurts me?

I run a bath. I soak in the relaxing steamy water for a while and try to loosen my tense muscles. I stop crying. I get up the courage to go back into the bedroom, and stand up. I dry off with my towel and look in the mirror. I look at my face... I look at my hair. Why doesn't he call me beautiful?

 I slowly open the door and I see him laying in bed in the pale light, my love. My pillow is by the door, and so is one of the blankets from our bed. He threw them there because he thought I wouldn't sleep with him. He hoped I wouldn't sleep with him... but he doesn't realize. How can I sleep without you by my side?

My eyes fill up with tears again. I pick up my pillow and my blanket from the floor and lay on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. I begin to cry. I try to be silent but a loud sob escapes my lips. He stirs, but he doesn't wake up- or he doesn't care. Do you know that I cry?

I cry until I can't cry any more, then I turn to face him. He looks so peaceful and I envy him. I shouldn't want his arms around me. I shouldn't want his chest to be my shield. I shouldn't want his lips touching mine. I love him. I watch his face as he is sleeping and I kiss him once on the lips- very, very softly. He moves away from me. I sigh... maybe he is asleep? I try again... "Don't." He says quietly. He turns his back to me. I want to try again. I want to kiss him. I know that I have lost; I know he will not kiss me. I try not to cry aloud, and I turn around so I am facing away from his body. I try to breathe and regain myself. What should I do? I think to myself. I slowly leave the room; I try not to make a sound... I try not to wake him. Will you notice I am gone?

I go into the bathroom and get my robe. I put it on so I am not naked and I open the door to our balcony. It's snowing. I step onto the old chipped wood and make my way to the edge. I can see my breath. I close my eyes and feel cold-too cold. I wish our balcony were higher, the fall to the ground harder. I want to jump, I want to jump, but I won't. I'm too scared. Would you miss me if I were gone?

I sigh and step back inside our apartment. I will go back to our room and I will lie down on the bed and tomorrow, he will not be mad and I will pretend that everything is all right. Tomorrow we will have meaningless sex and we won't kiss once, and everything will be fine.


© Copyright 2017 Rachel Battles. All rights reserved.

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