She's not

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
An insight of what happens inside the mind of a person who tries to figure out whether it is appropriate to get back together with the ex. There is a prominent question of morality in his acts, which guides the mind to unexpected dilemmas.

Submitted: July 21, 2015

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Submitted: July 21, 2015

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She’s not

By Chirila Radu

 

I.

"Because I love you" the lamest excuse of all of the excuses available. I know that and she knows it too, yet she continues, stabbing me, with her carefully crafted knife of words, even deeper into my soul...

"Because I care" yet another lie. Without any remorse in her eyes, she stands there waiting for my response. In that very moment all the feelings of hatred and anger and jealousy are replaced with a more simple set of feelings, sorrow and pity. For just a glimpse of a moment I consider forgiving her but the well-deserved hatred comes back just in time to save me from making any decisions I might regret after this.

"Radu, you mean the world to me. I mean it. I was stupid...and drunk and I really regret everything I did that night. I really hope that we could at least be friends. After all, you are the most brilliant person I know...” Her power to continue this pointless conversation and this obvious chain of lies is admirable. A part of me believes her and is ready to say yes to whatever she wants. But that mean part shouts and hits hard every part of me. I cannot decide just now. I may need some time. And after all, she has made a really big mistake...After that party everyone was very disappointed with what she has done, cheating on me in front of everyone, taking advantage of the fact that I was the host of the party and I was busy greeting everyone to just make out with one of my best friends, struggling to attract all the attention. 

Now, after a few weeks (1) of suffering in silence, we started speaking again. How can I be ready to forgive her? How can I just let this pass? ....How could I be so stupid to forgive her? And now why am I so stupid to want to get back to the way we were before? All these questions lurk in my mind as I watch her look at me with her beautiful, bright eyes. 
Suddenly, a plan starts to frame itself in my mind. If I accept her proposal, I would get to a new level. She will think she has full control over me and I could let her down, making her suffer. But what if I won't be able to do that? I feel something for her. I don’t think it is love. It just can't be love. But whatever I feel for her is probably stronger than my desire to make her suffer. It is true that I get a weird sense of satisfaction when she tells me she cried a lot because she was feeling guilty about what she has done.
"Well? How about that?" she said that in the most calm voice I had ever heard. The voice inside me was screaming shouting aching and her voice was so peaceful it almost made me shout at her. But I didn't hear a thing she said before that.

 "Okay, we are going to be friends just so you don't feel guilty. That is why you want all of this now, right?" I tell her in the most neutral voice I can mimic. Probably she felt all the anger and hate building inside me. 

"That is not what I think, not why I want you and me to be US again. How can you..."  Good. That bought me some time. She doesn't look like she is lying right now when she tells me how much she cares. But I can never be sure. She continues telling me things that she has already told hundreds of times and I think she lost all her hope of being forgiven and now just wants me not to hate her.

"Alright. Shut up. I care too much about you to be mad at you. I know, you made a mistake I have already forgiven you!" And I kissed her. I felt nothing. For a moment I was proud of myself that I stopped caring so much.
But then it came back. And with what force it did! I shifted from hating her to hating myself in just a second. Only one question was echoing in my head: WHY?. WHY? WHY?. Why did I forgive her? And why on earth would I get back together with her? What am I going to do now? 

_______________________________
II.


So, now the question is 'Is what she had done a 'principle mistake' or was it a manifest gone wrong?  Unfortunately for her, it was a principle mistake because she did it on purpose rather than get caught 'off guard' by the guy. I've always found unforgivable mistakes are something every human being needs in order to establish a limit, a barrier of separation between two people and to correlate better actions and their repercussions.
At first I thought that 'no' would be the perfect answer because I have always considered relationships a huge waste of time. But now it was different. It's true I spent a lot of time talking to her, dating her, etc. and I truly thought that was quality time. But when I saw her cheating on me just like that all that time was automatically considered wasted, just like my feelings for her. That night I was absolutely convinced that I am not going to talk to her anymore, and that I am going to ignore her for the rest of my life because, in my opinion that was the biggest mistake she could do in our relationship.
Of course, initially, I thought it was entirely her fault. After I got sad enough to reanalyze all the situation, I realized that I wasn't quite the boyfriend I wanted to be and she probably wasn't satisfied with me. But still, that doesn't explain it. Or does it? Anyway, that wouldn't change my ultimate decision because it was still mainly her fault. She cheated after all...
The truth is, I have no explanation to what I’ve done. I didn't want to get back together with her. It was the worst thing to do after all. But in that very moment I forgot everything I thought about that matter. I relied only on my sole impulse and now I shouldn't regret anything. Yet I do.
Maybe I misinterpreted my feelings...maybe I love her and I am only disappointed. Or maybe I am right about them and I made a huge mistake and I am bound to suffer in the future again.....or not. Suddenly I got a sense of what I should do.

"I will do the right thing! I will do what is both better for me and what is morally correct in this situation. It's true that I made a mistake. But it can be fixed! I will breakup with her in the worst way possible so she can suffer! Okay Radu you can and you will do it. But how?" Yes indeed. How could I make the biggest impact?  

First of all, she cares only about her image in her group of friends as she was always comparing our relationship with other relationships within our group of friends. So, knowing that she cares only about herself, I have to plan something that will hurt her vanity.

Secondly, even though she has never had sex, she insists on doing things that are really sexual (she wanted me to cause her pain and bruise her) ONLY when her friends are around. I guess that I’ll have a bigger impact if her friends are around and if she realizes that all her fantasies are not going to be satisfied anytime soon.

Lastly, her personality changes after every movie she watches. She just copies whatever those actors are doing and she is creating a different reality every time. But all these realities have something in common. They are all cheesy and full of bad romance, which she copies just to look cute for the others.

So the answer here is really simple. I have to write something really romantic to contrast with the fact that I’ll break up with her with a simple message. Also, the message has to be neither short nor really long, in order to have space to develop the ideas that I want to point out.

Now, the moment has to be carefully chosen so it surprises her when she is with her friends. Luckily there is a party I know she is going to attend. What a perfect moment. After a few drinks she would be overly emotional and I’ll get the maximum sadness I can. 

_______________________

III.

 

Now that I’ve set the time, I have only a few hours left to write the message (the party was that day). I should tackle two main points so that she will understand that they're connected, not individual as she thinks now: our relationship and our friendship. We're not going to be lovers and we are not going to be friends either.

After I wrote the message (emphasizing the friendship part and just gliding over the relationship part so it seems like I didn't care about it and so that she clearly understands that her friendship disgusts me) I sent it to her and waited for a response. Luckily a friend was at that party as well and what she told me stunned me. My ex started crying (just like I wanted her to do), but an hour later she was kissing another girl from her group of friends, and then a guy who really had nothing to do with anyone.

Well, this proves some things. She lacks morals, principles, true values and she is a very weak person. Also, everything that she does is to get attention. At last, I am glad that I got rid of her because she did not deserve my time, and if I continued investing time into her, that would have meant that I myself am not worth my time for I am a weak and easy to influence person.

While I was thinking about her lack of personal values, another question popped in my mind. Aren't those things that she LACKS the characteristics that define our human nature?

It is true that nowadays everybody thinks that only consciousness makes humans different from animals, but I thinks there is more.

So what is HUMAN in the first place? There was a study I read about in the Scientific American that stated that, at the DNA level, there are only 6 characteristics that separate us from chimpanzees (the development of the cortex, human communication using words, two kinds of digestion, the increase in brain size and the ability to use tools)1.

But on a deeper level, there are also consciousness, personal values, empathy, morality, and so on. If a person ignores these characteristics, it is still considered human in our society. And that is a problem as more and more parents omit teaching their children these simple virtues. Their children will get to perpetuate the absence of moral excellence and so, the society will not become less human at first, but more and more ‘savage’ until the tipping point of dehumanization. Thus I see no point in teaching morals (and morality) in schools, I strongly believe that a change must be done not in the way education sees the students but in the way parents educate their children at early stages in their lives. This, in time will have a powerful impact on society.

Exactly this is the case with my ex-girlfriend now. She wasn’t educated in the way I just described. For her, everything that she has done was normal. She was supposed to cheat because she felt so. She wanted to get back together with me so she wouldn’t feel sorry. And she will do it again because her persona cannot be changed by simple means.

_____________________________

IV.

 

And so, I convinced myself that she is not worth anything and moved on. She on the other hand decided that I am worth her effort (truth be told, I AM worth her effort; but she really doesn’t deserve mine).

Somehow, she continued to try to talk to me.  At first I just saw her messages. If I responded, that would mean that I am just as uneducated as she is. The fact that I can’t decide on something and keep my decision would just show that I am not better than her; but in fact, I am.

The next day she called me, but I didn’t answer. Then she left me a message online on every social network I use saying: “Hey”. I remained still, staring at the screen. “What can she possibly want now? Does she want to give another explanation on how she was drunk again and wasn’t aware of herself? Oh, self-awareness, another human quality she possesses only from time to time…”

Even though I sat silently behind the screen, saying nothing, she continued.

“I don’t know if you found out already or not, but your text got me crying there for the whole night…L”

How can she say that? I know that she is lying. The girl who told me exactly what she has done is a person I know I can trust. She, on the other hand, is not. I remained silent.

“Radu, I am serious right now. Please answer me. It is not fair to take a decision without hearing my version as well...”

In my mind I had already responded to everything but I continued my silent treatment. Of course, she only saw the ‘seen’ marks under her own messages and that was an indirect answer. But I didn’t care. I could as well respond. It’s not like I care anymore... I can’t even make her suffer properly from where I am now in the conversation.

So I remained silent. A day passed. Then two more. Then a whole week.

And then, she messaged me again. “Why can’t we at least remain friends? I know that the relationship didn’t quite work out as planned, but why stop talking to each other forever? We were getting along so well… miss those days…”

I was so resentful at that moment that I decided to respond. This situation was starting to get more and more stressful.

“We are not going to do that.” Full stop. We will not be anything. She doesn’t exist anymore. She is dead to me.

“Why?” she asks instantaneously.

“You don’t deserve me or my time. Bye” I put that bye there, acting a bit childish, in the hope that I will determine her to leave me alone.

“But we were having a wonderful relationship. We were best friends. We were lovers! How can you ignore that?”

Oh, nice message. I think I forgot to tell you what she told her friends about me when she was upset that I won’t bruise her. She told them that I am a lame boyfriend for not doing that. And that is the short version of what she said because I don’t remember exactly (word by word) what she said. And again, I know this from a trustworthy person who doesn’t take her seriously either and who was there.

“So this is why you told your friends that I am a lame boyfriend? Go to your awesome boyfriend and leave me alone!” Wow, that sounded like I care. Well, it doesn’t matter now, it is sent…

“Radu, listen to me. I never talked to him after that party.”

Fortunately, that guy was my friend as well and he showed me all their conversations. She doesn’t know I know this so I must play this card to my advantage.

 “Oh, ok. So what have you two talked about?”

“What? I told you. We didn’t! Believe me” she said.

“Sorry, I am not going to believe a lie.”

“I’m telling the truth. Radu, please.”

“We both know you are not. I think we spent enough time talking. Bye” And I blocked her on that social network.

Some things like lying when not necessary must not be tolerated. This is a lesson I learned the hard way and I will neither accept the situation nor condone her intricate net of lies.

________________________

V.

 

With these being said, I stopped talking to her forever and I denied her existence in my life, both in real life and on social networks. I know that there is no such thing as perfect relationship, but there must be a will to compromise. Given the fact that she has no values, morals or respect and that I don’t consider her worth fighting for, our relationship was pointless, and in time it would have become very false, something done only for the adherence to the group. Why be part of the group when you can lead it? Why lower your level to the level of the group when you can raise the level of everyone else? Why remain self-sufficient when you can do more, better? Why not aim higher?
 

In today’s society everything seems to revolve around how an individual is perceived in and by a certain group, and this has a powerful impact on his/her personality in the struggle to adapt. So, relationships lost their meaning and represent an unconventional way of entering a group or just a new way of being seen.

Though some may argue that love still exists, I will agree with them for one simple reason. This essay is not about normal or well-educated people. It is about the vast majority of the population I unfortunately had the chance to observe not only through this failed relationship but also through day-to-day living and impartial observation of the people around me. The existence of this huge segment of the human-kind does not cease the existence of the other, but appears almost inexistent through this sea of falsity and stupidity.

Now, as I think of all the ‘relationship’ I realize that the fact that I chose to forgive her and get back together with her may be interpreted as my desire to obtain the ‘in a relationship’ label in a society I consider wrong which would translate as hypocrisy. But now, that is not the case as I managed to end everything. I am finally glad that I made the right decision because if I stayed with her more, that time I spent on her would have represented a huge waste, with no outcomes at all. Finally, I proved myself that I can do the right thing and take the right decision, despite the suffering or the pain. I proved myself that I am a man of principle. And she is not.

 

 

 

Refferences: 

What Makes Us Human? Katherine S. Pollard;Scientific American; Scientific American, a division of Nature America, Inc.; May 1, 2009

 


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