Heading far from anywhere from here or there

Reads: 567  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
I often just look ahead at my life with all my milestones and tribulations. Upon doing so I had a few thoughts that came to me in regards to this and late one night I decided to make my current mind moments something that I can reflect back upon and share to others.

Submitted: June 11, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 11, 2013

A A A

A A A


 

LOVE THAT SONG THAT GOES..., " I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end ..... it doesn't even matter" ... so true... I was always since a kid one of those type of people who couldn't feel complete unless I was pleasing someone or doing whatever to make others happy. Always took pride on being respectful, kind, helpful, and joyful , even if I myself had situations that had me down and feeling blu. Chose to always forgive and remain connected w those who hurt me and did unkind things to me, and felt that it was a reward for them to realize this and be thankful of me for that and doing so .... until they did it again, and again, and again, thus causing loss to occur from the need for distancing myself from harm of their action. Prided myself to be as truthful as possible as some sort of self rewarding gift to me that I felt good doing so and to found it a delight in life to be trustworthy, loyal, and respectful . Isn't that how it' supposed to be , right? Do unto others as you want done to you. So why is it that this coarse of action seems to have a counter action of the complete opposite? We wonder why people are selfish, lie, and cruel with attitude and display negativity . I have discovered that being who I am has been my entire life downfall. I can't be mean, dishonest, disrespectful, or anything to anyone, even when I should. This seems to be a magnet or green light and law of attraction for others to be cruel, verbally rude and abrasive, lie, cheat, steal, belittle, condem, accuse, suspect, disrespect, hate, and find enjoyment upon making me feel awful, why is this? I still feel like that little girl inside that just wants to be friends w others, enjoy life, smile, laugh, live, and enjoy, but for whatever reason this seems to nauseate others and make them want to dump a buckets of rain on my parade. Like a happy eraser..... walking happy erasers everywhere I go. I try to help, I get the initial gratification and enjoyment of the short lived exaggerated appreciation and it's like a quick fix for me and I feel content and committed to continue doing so. I then find myself in one of those nightmares of running down one of those long hallways that get longer and longer the more I run.... and I am tired out. I realize now that I can't make everyone happy, and whats worse is if I try they seem to hate me for it, or maybe just not used to that being the way of life, like I am some freak of nature and this makes me like an out cast. Since when was I branded a fool n their dignity soon departed just for being how I thought people were supposed to be? I grew up taught morals, and dignity and it doesn't seem to be the truth either.... we were taught a lie.... nobody wants the truth... they want sugarcoated lies.... no body wants kindness... they want fake smiles and challenging personas of those you can't make happy.... I may be to happy to swallow, its like a I am a happy pill that causes diverse effects.... and harsh with drawl that creates monster syndrome .... as if I am Frankensteins Dr.... Dr. feel good and bring one to life and life they hate and death of feeling in preference is the desired result from inter action w others and I seem to have made a huge mistake doing what I was told and should live in defiance instead to be excepted and considered someone who deserves respect. Maybe its just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. If you try to make someone happy that isn't that is the answer, because if we feel threatened by the passion in someones heart, we seem to be programmed to seek and destroy the scoundrel to the order of things. Be miserable ... almost like being alive and walking amongst zombies.... when they say don't let them see you sweat... there should also be included... don't let them see you smile... or don't let them see you be someone who won't defy you and your beliefs. I don't want to . I want to treat people well, I want to help, I want to make others smile and be content and happy, safe and well. I want to tell the truth, and even if it hurts, help you heal. I want to show love, like and turn hate into a lesson rather than a feeling or condition . I want to walk around w a box of life bandaids and antibiotic to aid in the infection of poison we digest in life with lies, hate, greed, misery and disappointment. I want to help poverty by taking the shirt off my back, or empty my pockets to walk with a lighter load and satisfied journey, but can this be? Should I change? Would that make others happy? But I thought they don't like that since I seem to be condemned for doing so . If and when I choose to be my own friend, and make my self happy and extract myself from existence its like gum on the bottom of a shoe...... there is still remindance of this being and somehow the anger of it still lingers. Its like how dare I be, how dare I do, how dare I be who I am and not be more like you. I can walk away from the world and sit upon a slope that is in another direction and still the echoes of my voice somehow haunts those with whom I acquainted , and before to long, there is manifested stories of me being somewhere, saying something, or not doing something .... but the truth... it isn't the truth.... I don't do none of that..... I don't want to be that way...... it's like almost as if I do no wrong there has to be mention of it somehow. always seems to be those I have done above and beyond for , and there has to be an explanation for not paying me back, lying to me, stealing from me, or not liking me. Why not impress others with rumors of someone who claims to be who I claim to be? How could another not believe, its to juicy and grand to hear someone who boast about their self righteousness do wrong.... I am the perfect person to rumor about. Why is this... because there is one thing and one thing only that I am most passionate about, and thats not doing wrong to others and making people happy. I loved when my mother told her friends that I wasn't like the other kids, I didn't talk back , and didn't act disobedient like her friends kids were being... it made me so happy. I also am secretly afraid of confrontation... to be faced with that ugly side of me in furry so doing right to others you would think would remove this stresser in life right? Quite the contrary, it does the opposite. As for the boasting.... there is a reason for it and its not really bragging... its proclaiming the success of my life goal and continuum of being who I want to be and how I want to treat others.... its really my purpose in life, it makes me feel good. I suppose that can cause someone to feel disbelieving if someone presents that to them... nobodies perfect so stop proclaiming to be, is what I am sure what is thought with my expression of being this way... but its the furthest from what they think.... I feel far from perfect... I am a pocket full of mistakes ashes ashes ... always falling down... really and there is many decisions of my past that I am ashamed of as are we all. but one thing is true, I won't hurt someone, I will forgive, I will help, I will laugh when I am down just to make you smile. I will humor all even though I am inside feeling like a fool and look like a clown. I will dress outrageous and act like I am cool w it and cause others to whisper and know, but feel as if I am offering chocolate as they indulge in the raised enjoyment to mock me behind my back... kinda weird to choose to be different to make others happy huh? I guess its a habit I picked up on as a kid and can't shake it.... so then when I expect people to take me serious and get mad when they don't I shouldn't wonder why.... but still do. I run from humiliation, and like a kid I hide under my bed... but when I say that I mean remove myself from the stance of mockery . I really just want to be accepted as does everyone else. I am me, and if I am a people pleaser and paint the picture of being almost oblivious to reality because I smile when I should frown, don't you worry, I feel pain, rejection , failure, hate, betrayal, self shame, insecurities , and boasting about how great I am.... its really not the case... Its simply expressing the happiness I feel within for staying true to myself by staying true to others... no matter who they are..... I have no prejudice when it comes to prancing around in my sunday dress and a basket of rainbows to cast upon others gloomy days, even if its someone from life relation should be my enemy. I suppose this makes my enemy hate me more.. and also doubt my reasoning or actions, but its the way I am... and don't know another way to be. So I guess if your you , and choose to hate me for me... then do so, but don't lie about me, accuse me or try to make others hate me or side w you, just let me be okay? I am far away from my roots, why stay grounded from which you came, and I am starting out new and where I am welcomed, respected and seen for just being who I am . I don't hate anyone... well maybe that is a white lie.... for there is actually one specific individual that I had pretended to have me be their world, and convinced me of deceit as mistakes well learned and well part of a past and promising new beginnings only to kick me off on the same bus stop after I have moved from that route of routine and travel. I began to feel that new feeling and one that I had never wanted to feel and " hated" that I hated but think that it was something that I needed to dabble and discover... it was a cloak of new protection from terror and waters of shores I never charted. No body will never know the existence in which who I am and what words were a constant that really made me feel that were true and I suppose making me see how the truth can be fake, and real can be fiction made me feel like a force fed baby that didn't like what I was eating and the relation had me questioning who I am, who others were, who I should be, what I am looking for , and so many un faced avenues that I didn't have enough travelers checks to venture and made me feel penniless without my own hand in pocket. So thats that, and this is the story of me, and now I am starting out under a new horizon of identity and location . I like to call it uncharted island , cuz those I leave behind won't be given an ore to discover or visit and photographs will be buried with the past and memories will be stored in a distant swiss bank account that has an access code that won't be easy to decipher and its not for no reason other than... me.... It's time to start from 0 and set sail for infinity and begin where I left off but with more cargo of life lessons then anyone is willing to unload for me.... so I will myself and when I smile..... I hope its contagious, and I hope others will see me for me and enjoy my silly dance, my vibrant colors and ifyou someday you hear of a woman who was of business and wearing a paisley with a twinkle in her eye and filled w emotion that made them just want to dance..... it could be me.... or maybe not.... but I am excited that the universe was strict and pointed me in a far off direction.... I was ready ....
 
Like ·· Unfollow Post · Promote · Share
  • 211327_1179429405_1909232801_q.jpg\"
     

 


© Copyright 2020 Rainee Norshine . All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply