The night I was free from being kidnapped.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a short summary of something that occurred to me that I thought only happens in movies. I was held hostage for 6 months by a man. One night I found the keys to the deadbolt and was able to escape.... until he came back. By some miracle there was authorities at a home that was being built next door and they were my saving grace. I look back at this and just can't believe I lived to tell about it.

Deep deep , this secret that I keep. I can still feel the presure on the side of my head. Fear and anger , and nothing left to do , but pray that my memories in a moment won't end. I reminence about the birth of my children , and the tears sting as they fall into my mouth . Letting go, let go, a eurphoric moment alas. Adrenaline numbs my skull from the pressure , and the antisipation of the blast. I feel your anger, resent , but will you repent ? I wish right now you'd find it in your heart, that this isn't for me. I pray, I beg, " Please don't do this , set me free ! " His saliva is thick as it reaches mine. I grasp in a cold sweat the handle of a door. I wonder if I will ever open a door again. Once again I scream, "  You will regret this ! " , in a frightening plea. Just let me get my things, I won't tell, please please, just let me go free... Like a rabid dog , your teeth are closed , and the words protrude through them , as I fall out into a distant memory . Don't pull the trigger.... I imagine a million moments within a flash. I try not to believe that within seconds I will be an empty aftermath . The blood destroys a portrait of my dreams and I sob and exhale what I think t be my last breath. I scream I am sorry to my children , and accept this moment as my last and my death. He whispers in my ear that he loves me, and is crying as well. I clentch to this moment , for maybe he does still feel . I love you , why'd you try to leave", as I feel once again the pressure against the side of my head, and I become friends with the sickness, the feeling of the steal . I realize this and am angered , " Just do this now... just get it over with ! " You dumb fuck... why me, why me!!! I leave again to another place, and I am not alone, I feel comfort, and someone tells me its going to be alright . I hear the click as you fall over me from the realization that you pulled the trigger. Nothing.. the gun had chambers not loaded . I see a flash, and I am back! " Save me, save me... , I muttle as I fumble for the handle . The moment had come the opening of a door . I am numb, and I try to scream . As I fall onto the soil , I welcome the taste of the dirt. I hear the action of life, and behind me you scream... , " Don't do this to me" , " I love you " I limp away, and my voice slowly comes back after being choked to silence. I enhale the air , and grasp ahold of lifes breath. " Help me, Help me, he tried to kill me !! " I feel safe. lights are flashing , blue and red, a new birth once again. In a blank stare , dispair , I just see them place the cuffs on the hands that held that gun, choked me, , and I must say , I still feel sad. I wish he could see that it wasn't me he was trying to kill , but the past he was trying in his head to solve, and trying to satisfy , and maybe fix somehow , and help yourself with forgetting. I leave alive , and not knowing the days to follow, but that is okay. that fear had now been realeased with a hard , thick penetrating swallow. ..... How does these moments happen.. how do we end up here? I do not know.. but I learned so much that night.. and how to hide even the life of a tear. 


Submitted: June 17, 2013

© Copyright 2021 Rainee Norshine . All rights reserved.

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Comments

smircle

That was intense. I don't know why, but I skipped the summary and went straight on to reading it and when I finished and looked back up and saw it was true... It must have been a hard thing to write about. Well written and it flows in the way a poem does. I'd suggest maybe breaking it up into paragraphs instead of it being one block of writing. Good job :)

Mon, June 24th, 2013 6:23pm

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Thank you! Also thank you for the suggestion to do the breaking up and such. I had pulled it out of my collection and was so excited that I had discovered it that I immediately logged onto here and just fiercely transcribed my work to here and decided to worry about the tidying of it following , since I had at least unleashed the turmoils of my past inflictions on here for others to see and feel what I had gone through. There was so much more that I had experienced from that time that I can write about that I am quite sure that if I can dredge up the memories and face them, not only could it be a powerful piece of work , but also a great way to fully process and heal any parts of who I am that are still unknowingly affected by what I went through. I did go to counseling following what happened , but I think it was the time after that I had to reshape my identity and rebuild the security that was raped from me because of it that truly changed the coarse of direction that what happened could have had me continue on . I was very timid and cautious afterwards and it took a while for me to face who I was before, during and after. I can't express completely how this occurs but it is something that you can't help but to carry with you the damage and grief that goes with living through something like this. Many of times people would ask me why I didn't just escape when we were in public, and I would just keep my head down and stay silent instead , I ask myself the same now, but looking back at the time, I think it was the control, and brainwashing. You also become dependent of the abuser in a sick way and I became withdrawn from the world I knew before and only knew how to live the caged imprisoned way, so it was something that I had let dissipate from my soul.. the desire to fight and escape. I was afraid of doing that even more so than I was about the next beating... since in so many ways I lost my will to want to live and hoped that I would die. It was that night that I almost woke in a sense and something inside of me kept saying come on ,,,, this is your only chance.. you know you can do it.... just do it.. so those words that I tried to speak at first weren't just whispers from the fact of being choked but also because I was also experiencing the transition into being someone who had will and strength to unleash myself from the restraints that had held me down and not just abused me physically , but my mind as well. I am going to attach a link to a song that has a video of an episode of One tree hill about abuse and that song along with the video is a great comparison to me about what I felt, how I acted around my friends upon re union and well, it was something that is just still unbelievable , I know it happened , and I know it was much worse than I can even allow myself to recall, but I am more amazed that after having my will and human moral fiber shred that I was able to ever become who I am today following something like this. I know that people who watch real life news about girls who are kidnapped for years and even give birth and such are convinced that because of what they explain they had gone through that they are forever damaged, but that isn't true. You are no longer that person you were while being held hostage. That was like I said a submissive approach for all vital parts of who you are held in a stable monotoned type of way, just like our bodies and how they react to being subjected to life threatening wounds and injuries , exactly the same. I am in proper living conditions now and no longer is my mind and body in survival mode, and the switches so to speak are turned back on. I also became anorexic during this time too, since one of his control tactics was to take my food from me if I didn't eat it fast enough , this was the one and only power over myself that I could control with out him having anything he could do about it. I actually became addicted to the growling of my stomach from hunger in the beginning because I knew that I was gaining a control over something that he couldn't do anything about. When I was released from the hospital after those huge flashing cameras that make this load sound photographing me, (that still haunts me if I think about each and every time they took a picture of me in the hospital of my injuries ), I was the size I was at age 11! I was a bag of bones, with bruises head to toe, and I also remember looking down at the floor in hospital room and part of the transition was the realization and I saw all my hair all over the floor from the force of him pulling it. I remember screaming , " my hair ! " , " what happened ! " , I didn't even know why all my hair was all over the floor , and they just looked at me in shock , almost as thinking , does she not know what just happened, why is she asking us that. When the news camped out on the lawn of the house where this happened, and I had to return to take some of my only belongings that were there, I remember the news reporters being so cold and just out for the story . Even though I knew he was in prison , I still had such a fear of the place and just wanted to get in and get out, but they made it impossible and wouldn't leave me alone, no matter how much the person I was with tried to shield me. They swarmed the vehicle I was in and kept asking me such horrible questions , it was just amazing how people can live with themselves like that. None the less I survived it all and as you see, enough so where I can stand and talk about it. Once again, thank you for your response and I really appreciate all that you said :) Here is the link to the video that depicts exactly how I felt at the time, if you are interested in watching .... it really chokes me up even to watch it. They have another video that is called Good bye my lover/ james blunt / one tree hill that is clips from episodes about loosing a lover, and that was another event in my life I lived through when my soulmate/ love of my life / children's father died, and once again it did an amazing job at showing just each and every feeling that I felt. This one is uncanny at how each part of it is exactly how I felt . Thanks once again ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiraUX-SIkQ

Wed, June 26th, 2013 11:49am

Criss Sole

I agree with the comment above. This was very intense and I cannot even imagine what you must have went through. Thank you so much for sharing.

Wed, June 26th, 2013 9:16am

Author
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Thank you, and it was ! I look back and can't believe how I survived , but I think just as animals I put myself into a survival hibernation mode. It is a very interesting lesson once the blunt force of enduring has been absorbed and understood. Looking back now that I am stronger , my mind seeks much more available solutions at the time that I hadn't attempted, only from my worse enemy that I fell victim to and that is fear. I really feel now thinking back that I was in a real life movie of hell and agony that if it was so something I was viewing on a screen now it would have given me nightmares going to sleep at night. I have come so far from this and thankfully I am here to look back and reflect on what had occurred during these dark times, I appreciate you taking the time to read this ! :)

Wed, June 26th, 2013 11:10am

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