Raj's Dream

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Raj's Dream is the story of an Indian entrepreneur.

Submitted: February 21, 2015

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Submitted: February 21, 2015

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Hello my name is Raj and I am from India. Land of scared cows, the world’s most expensive house, and extreme filth and poverty. So, because i wasn't the one in the world’s most expensive house, I decided to move to America to pursue the American dream. See, we Indians love three things, curry, women, and gold. I was told, that in America too out of three you can get, and that is fine with me, you know. 

 

So, when I came to America I had to decide what to do because the job market is a bit different than in India. In India you work for the slum lord, the call center, or a sweatshop. But.., I heard that in America they have this thing called entrepreneurship. Have you heard of this? It is when you start your own business. And I said aeraa, why don’t I do that. It’s much better than talking to all these stupid Americans on the phone at the call center. You can never even understand their stupid accents. 

 

When starting a business I decided to to play on my strengths. Gold is very popular in India, it has religious significance, monetary value, and the women love it. So I decided to start an online retail business which sells gold, and I called it Raj’s gold emporium. You see, in America, you don’t need to gave a good product. All these Americans buy complete cow shit. All you need is a good commercial. So I came up with this.

 

I am going to tell you about the best experience of your life. An experience better than your third marriage. I am going to tell you about the experience of buying gold from Raj. Gold from Raj is the best, it is the best gold in the whole world. It is better, faster, stronger, sexier than any other gold. When you buy gold from Raj, is it not 24 karat, it is 25 karat, 110% gold, this i promise you. When you buy gold from the bank it is only 24 karat, when you buy from Raj it is 25 karat. Don’t go to the bank and buy gold. Go to the back alley behind the bank and buy gold from Raj and Jay and Vikram. Let me explain some of the direct benefits of gold. The first reason to buy gold is for the monetary value and the capital appreciation. These Americans think we Indians are rich because we are doctors, lawyers, and engineers, but they are stupid, it is because we buy gold. I will show you what happens to the price of gold when you buy from Raj. Look, this is the price of gold right now. It goes up, down, up, down, up, down. But after you buy gold from Raj it goes up, times ten! When you buy gold from Raj, it is like the feeling of sex, but it is ten times better than sex, I promise you. The next reason to buy gold from Raj is for the status. When you buy gold from Raj you go from a poor loser, to the richest most flamboyant man in your whole village. With gold from Raj you can get all the women you want to get. Gold from Raj has a special property that I applied to it, called the Raj magnet formula, patent pending, that literally attracts women to your gold. When you buy gold from Raj all the women are yours, I promise you. You will have so so many women that you will almost become tired of it, almost. The third reason to buy gold is for security. When this stupid country of the United States finally collapses with your social security and Obama care, you will have sometime to fall back on. To buy gold from Raj go to wwww thats 4 Ws, wwww.rajisasgoodasgold//sexy.xxx.in.co.uk.com,.gov#. I am going to leave you with this, have you ever heard the phrase as good as silver, neither have I. Buy gold from Raj, it is not only the best gold, but it is the best decision you will ever make. 

 

So I ran the gold business for a while, but it turns out that Americans don’t really like gold as much as us Indians. And when they want to buy gold, they want to buy it from a “legit institution” like a bank and not from “some sketchy brown guy.” So i though, what do Americans want to buy from “some sketchy brown guy”, and then I got the idea!

 

 

You see in Indian history there were a lot of people who claimed to be able to predict your future. You numerology and the stars. All these principles like karma and dharma. You see, we Indians know that its bullshit, but these stupid Americans buy into all this garbage. So I opened up a business and called Raj’s Future Predicting. I know what you're thinking, it’s a simple name, but I predicted you would think that. See I am very good. But as you know in America that commercial is most important so here it is. 

 

Hello, my name is Raj. Is your life completely horrible, do you think of committing suicide all the time? Can you not get any women no matter how hard you try? Then you need to come to Raj. Raj can help you predict your future and alter your life. Using the power of the nature, the plants, the sky, the moon, the stars, so on so on, I can predict your future to a proverbial tee. You see, astrology and numerology combined create a very powerful force for predicting the future. I know that because I am from India, where all this wonderful mumbo jumbo comes from. After you call Raj, he will give you personalized advice about what to do, how to do, when to do, how to do, everything. All you have to do is pay and everything in your future is set. I am going to tell you a story about one of the many people I have helped. Once upon a time there was a man named Steve. All he did was sit in his garaje and smoke marijuana, but then he called Raj. I told him he was destined for greatness. I told him to create a new computer for personal use. He thought I crazy, but he went the idea. And yes, I am talking about Steve Jobs and the founding of Apple. Most think it was Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, but it was really Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Raj, don’t forget about Raj. Apple was my idea, Raj’s idea. Steve He went from lazy stoner, to creating the world’s most valuable company, all because of my advice. You too can become a success with advice and future prediction from Raj. Steve was only one of my thousands of millions of success stories. When you call Raj to predict your future, it is only 2000 dollars. What is 2000 dollars when you could win the lottery, what is 2000 dollars when you could start a billion dollar company, what is 2000 dollars when you can get all the women you want to get. I’ll tell you what 2000 dollars is, it is nothing, I promise you. When you call Raj your future will be so bright that you will need to buy solid gold sunglasses to shield your eyes from all the brightness. So call Raj at 888-888-88, that’s 8 eights. You know in China 8 is a luck number so 8 8s is the most lucky, I am telling you. So call me Raj at 888-888-88 and pay the 2000 dollars and I will predict your future. I will leave you with this, have you ever heard someone say “look at that lucky bastard,” well now with the help of Raj, you can be that lucky bastard. 

 

So after i aired the commercial I got tens of thousands of calls from tens of thousands of stupid Americans. The business did so well that I was able to retire in Miami. When I came to America I wanted three things, curry, gold, and women. I married a beautiful white American woman, when she called Raj’s future predictions I told her that she was destined to many me, I bought a a ton of gold, literally a ton of gold, its just laying all over my house, and I even brought in a chef from India to make me curry, just the way Grandma Raj used to make it. I achieved the American dream. 


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