Betraying dreams

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

You didn't plan to fall in love, it just happened. And it just happened to be with the one man that could tear your world apart only to make what was wrong right after all.

My mind is groggy as I flop over my pillow to the cool side and nuzzle my face into it's soft cool contours. I'm sleepy and warm, the down filled comfortor that covers me is soft and insulating keeping my body protected from the cool air that thretens to snatch me from sleeps soft grip. I take a long deep breath of satisfaction as my body finds that perfect spot in the bed. I must have woke you, I feel you moving next to me, I wait in anticipation knowing what will come next. First I feel your hand snake under my blanket, as your fingertips make contact with the skin on the small of my back I sigh softly, and with the deliciousness of warm honey you slowly caress your way up my back over my side till your arm has hooked around my waist and  as soon as that task has been accomplished I sense you tucking yourself against me. First your chest is there against my shoulder blades, the hair on your chest tickles the sleepy skin on my back but I stay motionless. Next it's your stomach pressing against my back. Now my anticipation is beginning to build... suddenly and with intent I feel your maleness pressed against me. You sweep my sleep tangled hair away from my ear and neck, just before I feel your lips make contact with the skin below my ear... your hot breath shudder's softly with pleasure as I push back against you.
I softly whisper.... You say nothing your actions speak for themselves... Your mouth makes quick work of my ear and neck niping, kissing, caressing my sensitive skin. Your hand's are every where. One slides up and weighs my left breast while the other hand journy's down from my waist to my womanhood. You made quick work of my panties and tank top, they were on the floor before I even knew I was naked.
You have rolled me over to my back and kneel between my open inviting thighs.
"I need you."
Your words are raw and filled with meaning. Before my mind has a chance to run off with possibilities I am reminded of one of your many many attributes that make me sigh with pleasure. We made love all morning, and when it was over we took a long hot shower together. The making of breakfast was filled with empty conversation, I was mulling over how I would aproach the topic with you. Something in your eye's this morning worried me. As we enjoyed one another's company over scrambled egg's, toast, bacon and coffee my heart felt both happy and concerned. Something was weighing on you. Rather than beat around the bush I just come out and ask...
"What was wrong this morning?"
I could see your mood darken immediatly.
"I had a dream... it's stupid really"
My curosity is roused and even thought you tried to dismiss it I need to know more....
"Well... what was it about?"
I can see the decision process play out as if it was plain as day.
"You really want to know?"
My intuition tells me to be weary... I should listen to that little annoying voice more often...
"Of course I want to know, if it's bothering you it's bothering me."
"The dream was so real it was like living the past over again. All of it... every difficult part."
"I didn't want to tell you, but you always know..."
"I know... I guess I should have known heh..."
There was a long very loud silence that spanned between us. This was the price for our joy. The guilt and the sorrow. It reared it's ugly head in the least expected moment's, like on a saturday morning in the form of a dream. I didn't know what to say but the silence was deafining.
"I'm sorry"
and almost as if you had been waiting for that you responded quickly and with confidence.
"I'm not and you shouldn't be either. We decided to be happy, there's nothing wrong with that."
"I know I just... the price was very high."
The rest of breakfast went by in a blur, we cleaned the kitchen and began getting dressed. As you shaved I sat at my vanity and began blow drying my hair. The sound of the hair dryer seems to always put me in my own little warm world, shutting out distractions. Suddenly I was back there with you, in your dream, I may have changed my world but my memory's will always have the potential to snatch me away from reality and drag me back.

The old feeling's washed over me as my mind slipped back to that period of my life. Emotions were raw, patcience streached to the breaking point, trust was a mythilogical creature in our relationship. The good times ebbed and flowed like the tide, coming and going being guided by some benevelont force that responded to nothing, not begging, nor tears. Not communication or bribes. I spent 3 years on that "merry" go round, and let me tell you... it was not "merry".
I met Sam through friends, we dated for a long time. I should have known then that something was not quite right. Before Sam I had always known right away if there was a possibility for something between myself and a potential new partner, when I met him there was nothing. Not a spark, not a sizzle... nothing. But he was persistant and I was lonely and flatterd. I gave him a chance, and as I got to know him I became attached to him. He became my friend before he became my lover. It was not hard to slip into an easy compromise of a partnership. In fact it felt as if it was ment to be, or I wanted it to feel as if it was ment to be. Either way I had a partner I was no longer alone and he counted himself lucky to call me his own. We moved fast, before 2012, parinoia was at an all time high and people tended to make rash decisions. Before I had even really thought it through I had agreed to move in with Sam. Had I known then what I know now that would have never happened. The first time he cheated I found text messages on his cell phone... I kicked him out, but facing the world all alone was frightening and Sam had become my best friend. I gave him a chance to come back, we made love and rather than fix the problem (the way my nieve former self hoped it would) I found myself fracturing in his arms. Not even sex, no matter how amazing it always was, could fix the pain of his betrayal. He held me as my heart broke open in his hands. As the day's rolled by the wound's began to heal and our once preistine relationship was now sporting an angry red scar. The scar never faded and it never shrunk. In fact it seemed to throb, at time's mockingly so. It was a pink elephant in my home. And it had made us virtual strangers. Never the less my insecurity's were stronger than my pain and as the day's, weeks, month's and years rolled by my need won over my pride and rather than see the scar of his betrayal I tried to ignore it. When I caught him sending emails to other people it was like nothing had happened. The poison was in my veins and rather than do anything about it I simply absorbed the pain.
Over time Sam grew cocky and started growing away from me. *
Sadness washed over me, how can the past reach out through the years and capture my attention so forcefully?
Your cool hand on my shoulder roused me from my trip down memory lane. I don't dare flip my hair back even though I know it's throughly dry... I'm too afraid of you seeing right through me like glass. One look into my face and you would know exactly what was on my mind.
"Your so tense. What's wrong?"
How do you do that? How do you just know even with just one touch? It's amazing and frustrating all at the same time.
"Nothing darling, just glad it's the weekend and I don't have to go back to work untill Monday."
I know you won't buy it, but if I'm lucky you'll let it go, for now. You brush it off with a:
"If you say so"
comment but I know you haven't let it go yet, you will wait patciently for me to come around and when I'm ready you will be waiting. You bent over me and kissed the back of my neck sending goose bumps down my arms and leg's. When I heard the bedroom door close behind you I fliped up my hair and put away the hair dryer. My reflection was as easy to read as a Dr. seuse book. Guilt, loss, and grief were splashed across my red face. I pull my hair back into a makeshift pony tail and walk across the bedroom to lock myself in the master bath. I know you won't disturb me, you respect my space and privacy. But I want to lock the door any way's, because to me Sam is here, as real and in the flesh as I am and Sam never had respect for my privacy, space, or me. No matter how nicely I asked or how angry I got he would still insist on either being in the bathroom with me or standing outside the door banging on it, demanding to be allowed entry like an impatcient 3 year old. I close the door behind myself and hesitate for a moment. If I lock the door I am physically reinforcing my mental trip down memory lane. If I don't I stand a chance of dismissing this old cruddy box of Pandoras. I catch my own eye in the bathroom mirror and realize that hiding from my own past is a fools game. The click of the lock engaging sent a shudder down my spine. I could almost hear Sam's voice teasing me from the other side of the door, or echoing from all that time ago. Either way I was steeling myself.
I couldn't very well expect to spend all day in the bathroom and faceing you without giving too much away is going to take some effort. I splashed cool water on my face and patted it dry. I returned to the vanity and finished getting ready for the day. After a mental pep talk and a deep breath I tried to shake it off. Today was one of the very few day's we have for one another, while I fully intended to settle my tab with my past I also did not want you to think you caused this sullen feeling to come over me. I reminded myself of the positive aspect's in my life:
" I love Andy more than I ever thought I could love any one, I'm happy with my life and where it's heading, I have a nice home and amazing family. I am lucky in life."
With a brave face I walked out of the bedroom and found you watering the garden. For a moment I stood there watching you. The sun shone down on you as the water glistened on the leaves of the squash and strawberry's. A butterfly fluttered through the Rose bushes. I watched her flutter from rose to rose, agile and daring she darted through the branches of the bushes nearly tearing her delicate wings to shreds on the thorns. Her near brush with tradgedy made her my comerade and as I watched her defy gravity and flutter over our fence and out of sight I sent my hope's with her that she would find joy in her short life. With my distraction out of sight I realized I was being watched as well. When my eye's met yourse my emotions and heart felt raw, naked and exposed. But with more effort than it should have taken I smiled warm and soft easing the stitch of worry that had begun to creep across your forhead.
The day went by quickly between the trip to the mall for new shoes and lunch we had spent up the rest of the morning and a good portion of the afternoon. It wasn't untill the evening that I had some time to myself. I found that time waiting for me on the front porch swing. After setting myself up with a book, a tall glass of iced tea, and some comfy clothes I settled in. I wasn't going to read the book, the book was just for show.... I needed to have my thought's to myself, I needed to go through my memmory's and finally put that whole monster to bed. I needed to forgive myself and Sam. I needed to finally leave Sam behind me. I may have moved on and am completly overjoyed to be with Andy but Sam haunt's me. The warmth of the sun on my calves reminded me of when I first met Sam, it was a bright sunny fall day in October... like any other day, I was out with my girlfriend's. The first time I saw him there was nothing, not a spark or a sizzle. It happened somewhere between that first meeting and the 3ed month after we had met that I realized I had serious feeling's for Sam. Of course that was before the uglyness over took us, that was before I tore my entire world apart, that was long before he changed the very essence of my being. Sam was a bird with a broken wing, he was that pitiful puppy in the parking lot that you can't help but rescue. Sam had his own history, his own deamons that he needed to overcome. I thought that if I loved him enough that his deamons would not effect me. I was wrong. We had been seeing each other seriously for about 6 month's when Sam was kicked out of his home. I couldn't leave him, he needed me. So I gave up my home to move in with him and create our own world together. The house was small but we filled it with the sounds of our love making and the memory's of our laughter. It was somewhere around the 3ed month after we had moved in together that he lost his job. The stress was heavy but we were making it work, then I found the text messages... The blow out was epic.
"What are you looking at?"
I must have jumped 2 feet in the air...
You cocked your eyebrow and looked at me like I was smoking some good shit.
"I highly doubt your looking at Jesus... but if you say so."
"Your such a smart ass Andy"
"Seriously though, you were just staring at the same page for like 15 minutes.... got something on your mind?"
You are always so comfortable in your own skin, it's relaxing and irritating at the same time. As you wipe the gear grease off your hands you settle yourself next to me on the porch swing. I said nothing, I didn't want to lie to you but I wasn't ready to share my line of thought just yet.
"Listen sugar lips"
I feel your big strong arm slide around me and pull me close to your side. right where I belong... I fit so perfectly in the space next to you.
"I know this morning threw you off, it threw me off too, but you can't let the past hold up the present. Every thing worked out in the end right? Here we are, I know when I first met you I would have given anything to be here next to you, and here I am holding my dream girl."
I felt your loving gaze on my face, it was warm like being kissed by the sun. I turned my head, rested my cheek on your shoulder and whispered...
"You always know the right thing to say don't you."
"I am pretty perfect you know"
We both laughed and allowed the day and our worry's to melt away.
Chapter 3
I'm running, I'm running.... everything is foggy.... All I can hear is my own breath exploding out of my lungs and gasps for more air, my feet pound the ground and my heart thuds. I feel it all falling in on me. Everything is falling......
You hold my sleeping fit full body while I suffer in my nightmear. It's been weeks since the day you had that dream and every night since then Iv had the same dream over and over again. I wake up just as I feel a hand reach out and take hold of my wrist only to realize I'm safe in your arms, in our bed. And the look of worry in your face fills me with frustration. Even in the predawn hours I can see the wrinkle of worry in your eye's through the cool darkness of the bedroom. As soon as I realize where I am and the farmiliar scent of you fills my terrified mind I am calmed and then in an instant... angry.
I pull myself up to a sitting position, swing my leg's over the side of the bed, and after a moment slip out of bed... for a minute I stand there, knowing your watching my naked form in the moon light. The sliding glass door that leads to the patio from our bedroom is covered in a sheer that allows the moon light to filter through and fall gently on the floor. My body is groggy but my mind is fully awake.
"I love you, you know that right?"
"I think I need some space and time... I don't want to take a break from you, I just need to sort out my head..."
"I'll be here when your ready to come home."
It breaks my heart to hear the hurt in your voice... I turn to face you... you lift the cover's and open your arms, so inviteing. The bed welcomes me back and the feel of the sheet's make my body relax but above all else, the feeling of your warm body next to mine holding me lends me strength and comfort.
"I feel guilty for being so happy."
You let me cry, I cried for what seemed like hours, I cried untill your chest was wet with my tears, I cried untill I fell back asleep. When I woke up you were gone. The note on your pillow said you ran out to get some breakfast. I hopped in the shower and sighed when the hot water hit my skin. Every time I closed my eye's there he was. Standing there with that goofy smile on his face, sometimes angry and sometimes sad but always there in the background of my life. I remembered the day's we spent in potato couch luxury, playing video games, and the day's we spent in heated argument's, all the time I knew in my heart of hearts that he was up to something. Of course by that time the problem was not knowing.... it was not wanting to know. It wasn't just the sneaking behind my back, it was everything. It was the fact that as long as I was with Sam I knew I would never have the life I wanted for myself. But I was terrified of going it alone. Of being faced with the challenges of life all on my own. Of not having him to turn to and feel like I was not alone. I was horrified at the thought that... I may never find another person willing to accept me the way I am, flaws and all.
When we met Andy everything was different.... It was a summer day I had just gotten off work and Sam and I headed to Stacy's house. Stacy is Sam's older sister and a woman I really enjoyed being around. I respected Stacy and even though we didn't agree on a lot of subject's Stacy was a really real person. For that alone she had my respect. When we walked through the door the day was like any other day, but when I saw Andy for the first time my world changed. I had never waivered in my determination to only have eye's for Sam before, but with one look it was like someone opened another window in my life that looked out on a whole new universe. Andy was funny, warm, intellegent, the kind of man I could respect, the kind of man that was strong enough to lead, the kind of man I could follow. And Andy was dating Stacy. From that first moment I began wishing I had met Andy first.

It was evident that Andy and Stacy were not a good match almost from the beginning. Stacy, while being a strong independent and confident woman was ruthlessly selfish and that was ok because Stacy was single and had no responsibility's to any one but herself at the time. Andy was also independent and confident and happened to also be old school. He believed in another kind of relationship. One where a man was a man and a woman was a woman, while Stacy was all about crossing those lines. Andy would open doors and lavish attention and gift's on Stacy and Stacy would revolt against the simplistic boundry's. No fence would keep her penned and so the relationship was destened to die before it had really ever begun. I found myself seriously torn, I wanted him to stay with her because then in whatever small way he stayed in my life as well. I would settle for a brother in law or a friend from him if that was all I could have but it seemed too sad to see him go from my life that easily, that quickly. I denied forcefully to my own heart that it could flutter for any one but Sam but there it was pitter pattering away at the thought of Andy. It all began innocently enough, I admired him, he was what I hoped Sam would be some day. A good friend, charming, whitty, inquisitive, helpful, kind, rough, independent, determined, every thing that I ever believed a man should be. My feeling's wern't as obvious then as they are now to me. Then I had convinced myself almost entirely that I appreciated Andy as a friend and that I admired him as a man. That my reoccuring thought's of him were simply part of normal friendly thought's. It wasn't untill Stacy told us she was pregnant that I first felt that flutter in my chest as if someone just cast my heart in cement and tossed it into the pacific ocean.


When she gave us the new's she was all ready 3 month's along. It had been an accident and one that ate at me. It was when I realized that this could very well mean that he would be with Stacy from now on and that I could very well live the rest of my life knowing how I felt about him and how much effort it took to smile and pretend to be happy for them that I realized  that without my knowing it I had set aside a piece of my heart for Andy and Andy alone. I spent the next 6 months forcing my focus on Stacy, even though it was disheartening for me to know that I was in a dead end relationship with a man that was not as he had potrayed himself in the beginning and this woman was pregnant by a man that inspired my daydreams thus he would never be avaliable to me, I resisted as hard as I could. When he would tell a dirty joke rather than giggle the way I wanted to I snubbed his jokes feining insult. When he would offer me something even as innocent as a cold beer I would insist on being the sober driver. There was always an out, I kept my focus on Stacy and the topic of pregnancy but I could not deny to myself how good it was just to spend time around him. His easy demeanor but strong beliefs made him seems so trust worthy so special. The more time I spent there with them the more time I had to get to know him. It was a double edged sword. Stacy was a woman that I respected, that was not to be disregarded. Women, especially honest real women are few and far between and Stacy had been a woman I respected emmensly. While I didn't agree with her on the majority of subject's I could see around our differences and find many reasons to really care about her as a friend besides the fact that she was my long term boyfriends sister. That in and of it's self made my ever developing feelings for Andy shameful not to mention the fact that in Sam's eye's even thinking of another man is a serious betrayal and reason to leave me.

Max was born one bright and shining day. I worked as usual, but as soon as I got off we picked up some baloons and flower's and rushed over to greet the new member of our family. Max was tiny and sweet, Stacy was tired so we didn't stay long as we were leaving we stood at the glass of the nursery watching the nurse lay Max in his plastic crib under the UVA bulb. His tiny little shades protected his eyes and made him look (as if it was possible) even more adorable.  Andy had followed us out to give the new mommy some time with the nurse, he caught up to us at the glass. I will never forget the look on his face, the joy, the pride, and the fierce devotion that was tangled up in his heart all over this tiny miracle. He made a plege right there in that hall way, it both cemented the intuition I had as fact that he was a superb man but also made my eyes sting with threatening tears as if he had physically slapped me in the face.

"I'll never let any one ever harm him or his mother, they better be ready to deal with me first!"

His pledge to protect Stacy and Max forced all sorts of feelings to wash over me, jealousy of little Max. Would this child ever know how intensly lucky he is to have a father as devoted as Andy is? No most likely not, it's not untill you have to do without do you know what you truly have. Mourning over the what if's of our situation, and the constant disheartening thought that Even if the situation was different Andy wouldn't have noticed me nor would he ever desire me. The guilt over my selfish greedy and hopelessly pathetic daydreams took me for a loop and all the while I told myself I was foolish, how could this man that fulfills my ideals of what a real man is ever be a possibility for me even without all this additional complications?

Over the next few months my depression reared it's ugly head again in my life. I was no stranger to it's company and wallowed silently and alone in my own self pity. It didn't help that Sam had begun to pull away from me in many more way's. His desire for me dissapeared right along with our easy friendship. Things back home turned sour, every day I woke up to face resentment and anger at every turn. Sam accused me of every trespass possible. From infedelity to snooping to lieing I was always under attack. Visiting Stacy, Andy and Max was a regular occasion through the week as well. Watching Andy carry that child was difficult to say the least. His arms were strong and tanned from long day's under the sun. They were arms capable of breaking a grown man's bones yet they cradled that baby with tenderness and became like silk and cotton gently curving themselves around the precious bundle. He had eye's only for Max and that melted my heart like butter in a hot frying pan. I would have been content to watch father and son grow closer and fall more in love with one another all day if it hadn't been for Stacy. At frist her behavior toward Andy surprised me, but I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. The first time I saw it she was about 6 months pregnant and demanding that Andy do more for her. As if he had not done enough that day as it was. The man would leave work on his lunch to bring her what she wanted at home then run and do for her the rest of the day after work as well. Sam and I arrived one late afternoon and as soon as we walked through the door we could feel the tention as thick as jello. We left almost as soon as we had arrived. The comment's were nasty and cruel at times from both sides. The only consistency we observed was that both of them enfatically  expressed their complete acceptance of the fact that they were only two friends that were raising a child together and that they would have never been together or even very good friends if it was not for that baby. Had Stacy not become pregnant Andy would have been long gone, they both knew that they were not a good match.

Submitted: August 17, 2010

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