Mother told me that i was ungrateful. I didn’t know I was. I thought that I was just speaking my own opinion. I think that it’s not allowed in the house. Mother threw to on the ground. Mother punched me in the stomach. I remember the last time mother did this. I loved that shirt. I would wear it every day. But mother didn’t want anyone to think we were poor. I wanted to wear that shirt to the party. But mother got angry that I didn’t want to wear the shirt mother told me too. Mother destroyed that shirt. I was laying on the ground withering. Crying. Helpless. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
Middle schoolers bullied me that day. I was alone. I went to my Sister. But I can feel that Sister didn’t want me around. But Sister didn’t want to tell me in front of her friends. I heard girls talking behind my back. They said that I was a bitch and weird. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
I saw Her looking at me. She smiled at me and came up to me. She told me that everyone think’s I am a hopeless loner. Nobody wanted to be my friend. She told me that counselling would not help solve my problems. I was just who I was. A kind of person who no one wanted around.
I didn’t know being with Alex was bad. I loved him. I was happy. But mother, father and sister were disappointed. They couldn’t look at me the same way. I felt like a stranger. Friends in school wouldn’t talk to me. They would try to avoid me. Sister would just look at me and smirk at my loneliness. Sister didn’t care that I was struggling. Mother would not help me but rather help sister. I would not talk to Father about this. He’s too busy with work. If Sister and Mother would not listen to me…why would he as well? I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
She told me that I was alone in this world. She would stay with me every night while I try to sleep. I ask her whats wrong with me. But all she did was stroke my hair and told me that no one would understand me. They would not accept me. I was sad. I asked her when I can go home. She told me when the time was right. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
I’m failing at school. Teachers would look at me with pity but yet disappointment. I would eat alone during lunch times. Alex would play football. I didn’t want to pull him back from the boys. He would rather be with the boys. I have always been lonely. So spending lunchtimes alone would be ok right? I would sit on the toilet eating my sandwich. I always wondered when I can go home. I want too. But I can’t go home right now.
I was laying on the ground, crying again. Mother was shouting at me. Sister just stayed up in her room. She would pull my hair and hit me everywhere. She didn’t want me being with Alex. No one did. Why didn’t anyone tell me what I was doing wrong. Why didn’t Gina tell me. I thought best friends were supposed to do that…right? Did I even have real friends? Did I make a mistake? I wish these beatings would end me. No one wants me in this world. Why can’t I go home?
She told me that no one wanted me anymore. I cried in my bed. I knew she was right. She was right about how I’m useless in this world. Just dead meat. Nothing special. Maybe I should break up with Alex. I don’t want him to date a useless being. She told me that everyone despises me. That I was stupid. I begged her to take me home, but she cackled and said that the time was not right yet. I was suffering. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
It was mother’s birthday today. I gave her a dress from Bali. She looked at it and gave a half-heartedly smile. My heart sank. I thought she would have loved it. Mother loved Sister’s present though. I was happy for Sister. I stayed quiet at the dinner table. I listened to Mother, Father and Sister’s conversation together. They looked so happy.
She came to me again that night. She told me that everyone would be happier without me. Life would be easier without me. I agreed with her. But why couldn’t she take me home? She told me I was too much of a coward. I didn’t have much anger and sadness for me to go home yet. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
I had a fight with Alex today. I wonder why he would stay with a person like me. Alex told me I was a selfish, bitch with no heart. That I was cruel and inconsiderate. Alex was right. I was all those thing. She warned me. But I never doubted her. Maybe I can try making myself worse so he can leave me. So he won’t have to be frustrated all the time. Maybe he can hate me enough to forget about me. She would always whisper to me that Alex wishes he would have another woman with less issues and the opposite as me. She told me that without me in this world, Father’s, Mother’s, Sister’s and Alex’s life would be easier. Sometimes I wonder why I’m such a coward. If I want to go home, I should be brave. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now.
I wanted to get out of this. I wanted to myself to cut open, I wanted to scratch myself open, hoping that all this pain and loneliness would just seep out, disappearing forever. She would just laugh at me at my pathetic soul. She told me it was a stupid way to do it. That I did not have enough in me to do it. I want to go home. But I can’t go home right now, She said.
Father told me to pack my things on New Years Day. I left out some clothes because I wanted to wear them. Father got mad at me for not packing. I tried explaining but father would not listen. Father grabbed my hair and slapped me. Father, mother and sister left me at the apartment as they went out to eat dinner. I wanted to get this pain out of me. I wanted to stop feeling lonely. I want to go home.
My grandparents, aunt and uncle would feel uncomfortable around me. I don’t blame them. Who would want to be around me?
I’m so scared of the dark. Yet it seems so peaceful. It comforts me. It is where I belong. But why am I still such a coward. If I stay in the dark long enough…maybe people can forget about me. Live happy lives without me in the way. Isn’t that what She is trying to tell me?
She came to me that night. She asked me if I saw the evidence that no one wanted me. That no one would want me in this world. I was just a mistake in this world. I told her I was ready to go home. She smiled at me and said she wanted me to suffer more. She said I didn’t have enough in me to drive me. It wasn’t fair. Why would She do this to me. I didn’t want to stay anymore. I want to go home. But She said that I can’t go home yet. When can I finally go home…
I hate you. I hate you for being a coward. I hate you for being alive. You shouldn’t be alive. No one wants you here. You’re just some useless meat making everyone’s life harder. This is all your fault. You are a heartless bitch. You are ungrateful. You are a selfish person. Nobody wants you. Nobody loves you. You deserve to be alone. You deserve to suffer.
You deserved to be laughed at.
You deserve to die alone. You deserve to be bullied.
Why am I so lonley
You are worthless. They would just be wasting their time
I want to see you suffer more.
As long as I want it to be.
Take me home.
© Copyright 2016 Rapsiel. All rights reserved.
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