How it feels when you're gone

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Contest entrée for Ikky2000's contest of Lyrics. Based off the song When You're Gone by Avril L.

Submitted: December 10, 2013

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Submitted: December 10, 2013

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"I've never felt this alone in my entire life. I can't even begin to forgive myself for what I have done. I couldn't believe a body could be able to feel this numb. My heart, my heart feels like it is ripped into shreds, it's bleeding. My tears, are like thoughts my mind can't say. I never thought I would need him this badly....and now that I do realize it...he's too gone to get him again...he's gone way up there.... "

I jot these thoughts down inside my diary of un-ending nightmares, my diary that was once filled with happy thoughts, sappy love letters, everything you would think a young woman in love writes about. But now, it's filled with suicidal tendencies, missing spaces in my mind, it is filled with un-completed thoughts and wishes, apologies...that I was never even able to say, say to him...I feel the warmth of my tears slide down my cheeks, the salted taste lays upon my lips. I have gotten way to used to the taste of my tears for I taste them every single day....I 'veforgotten how it feels like to be happy, to be what they call 'A joyful spirit" I've forgotten how that is even supposed to be like, let alone I have forgotten how I could even attain it.

My mind wanders over the memories I last had with him, we both sat in the middle of the park, the pond was filled with ducks all quacking left to right, birds voices flowed within the air, the smell of popcorn over took the smell of gasoline that occasional dripped from sitting cars. I recall how he made me feel like, happy, love-struck, care-free, mesmerized, the list can go on and on and on...in movies and books...romance and relationships, everything like that either starts out perfect and slowly turns bad but then shortly it's all good again, or it starts out badly and ends wonderfully. But in real life?

That thought can just fucking disappear.

It wasn't going to be like that for me, even though at a point I honestly did believe that it would be that way for me. I still can't believe he's gone...

I look over on my dresser, still spotting the clothes that he left behind I can't even form the strength to reach out and grab them for grabbing them and being able to inhale his clothing, the smell of him would make me cry and rip up whatever little pieces are still left dangling from this shattered heart of mine. Why, why really did he have to just leave? But...why did I have to push him away first?

The guilt cannot leave my mind, as my conscience screams out to me, "YOU! YOU! IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT HE IS GONE! YOU'RE THE REASON HE IS GONE!'

That bitter fact will haunt me until the day that I am gone. "I still can't believe this..." I whisper to myself, still laying in my bed, with my pen and paper in my hand. Maybe I do too much thinking, but what else am I supposed to do? I have nothing but memories left.

My poor baby...my boyfriend..my bestfriend...he was supposed to be my fiancee soon. I don't attempt to hold in my tears anymore like I did when I first found out this horrible news, I just let them all roll out now, crying myself a river, A river of my own pain. Oh, how I wish we never got into that fight...I yelled at him for being too clingy in front of friends, I mean come on! How stupid is that? From there, both of us just kept bringing out past old scores, we both tried to seem like the better one of the two of us. Why were we even arguing about that stupid shit to begin with? I remember him getting so upset with me, he didn't even know what to think when I told him that I didn't love him anymore,that he should just go die, or fuck himself over....I told him that all because I was the one who over-reacted....

'IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU STUPID GIRL!" My conscience yells out to me again, I winced in pain knowing that what my conscience says is true.

The memory of seeing him walk away after that, broke me down even more...how could I have just let him walk away??....how come, how come I told him that he should just go...die...I said that all without even thinking twice about it. I was upset, how the hell could I have been so stupid though, stupid enough to blurt that stupid thought out of my mouth. I remember watching the number of steps he took until he got to his car too...

1...2...3...4...5...6...then he opened his door.. I re-call seeing him slam the door shut, without bothering to take one last glance at me he drove off. I suddenly wanted to take back everything I had said, I didn't want us to be over. Who was I even kidding? I figured a phone call an hour later would be good for the both of us, I thought I'd just let him drive for a while first, to allow him to clear his mind. Maybe after we both calmed down, we could talk to each other more openly and actually get things accomplished instead of spitting bitter and hateful words back in forth to one another.

I remember staring at my watch, waiting for an hour to pass by in order to call him again...and when that hour came I didn't hesitate to dial his number. I remember having the call go straight to voice mail, three times...I even texted him and no response at all. He must have been still mad I thought back to myself. I remember putting my phone away and waiting until I went to go to bed to call him again, but when I opened up my cell phone a call from an unknown number and a voice mail appeared on my cell.

I also recall being so afraid and hesitant to open it up, why would anyone be calling me? Nobody even calls me, I was such on the down low of this world that I didn't even think telemarketer's knew about my existence. But something told me to go ahead and listen to the voice mail....

"DON'T BLAME ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!' My conscience screams at me one last time as I recall my memories....

I remember hearing that voice mail that changed my life, flipping it upside down....I remember the feeling of my heart shattering within my chest, when I heard the man on the voice mail say, "Caleb Paxton is dead. He was trapped underneath two semi-trucks colliding. He had no chance, his car badly damaged due to the size difference. He died before we got there."

A piece of me died....

I had nobody to blame but myself...for I was the one who said, "go die....' I didn't;t even mean it though! You know those times when you say something that you regret so you want to take it back!? Well...I can't with this one....it was too late.....he was gone....forever....My memories from now on will always be painful, the days will always feel like years when I'm alone....I wish somehow he was able to hear me...I wish someway he was able to know, that I still loved him...I needed to hear his voice, I needed him and him alone to tell me it was okay....

I wish he would know....that I still love him....but you know what really kills me every day?

He died thinking I didn't want him anymore......He died thinking I didn't love him...He died thinking that we weren't made for each other, he died thinking there was really no forever for us.

But I'd give my whole heart and soul, anything....to let him know.....I still did.

"I just miss you baby...we were made for eachother...forever...I know we were...I miss you so dam much when you're gone...." I jotted so more stuff inside the diary, in a way that seemed like I believe he would somehow be able to see it...but I knew that wasn't possible... I slammed my diary shut. My times of endless tears,had just begun to pour from my eyes.

 

 


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