Have you ever, thought about your past? Your life in general, and just wrote stories in your head; of how different your life would be... If only you played it out better?
For me, that's what I always do, every passing second of my numb days, just weaving spider-webs, but with a blow of wind it shatters and unties.
A failure, I'm a failure.
It's funny... How I'm saying all of this right now, when in the past, the past that I hated; everyone was screaming for me to wake up.
But no, I threw it all out of the window, screw everything else, all I wanted was to accomplish something, a dream... A dream that turned into a blood lusting monster, a nightmare.
It's too late right now, these words won't change anything.
It was too much to take, me and her thought, and the best solution was for us to run, we found a home, a shit hole I'd say.
It all seemed perfect, just me and her, nothing ever mattered, not my family, not me, not anything... As long as me and her were together, it's more than perfect for me.
I worked at a resturant, 'cause that's the only place where people like me would be accepted.
At first, it felt awesome, it felt beautiful.
But it soon faded, nothing lasts forever, right?
Stress consumed us, I wasn't making any much money, nor was I playing my role as a boyfriend.
But I worked hard so we can climb up this hole that lacks the sun, only to get sucked into the void over, and over again.
It wasn't what I expected, not as perfect and beautiful, I thought I could handle it, put it all together; I always did, but when time passed by, I slowly lost her, and lost myself too.
I prayed everyday, for life to get better, for her... To get better.
She had this disease, I'm not sure what is it, but she does, she's always tired and restless, often taking out her anger on me, and blaming me for the things that I couldn't do, the promises I couldn't keep.
At first, I tried to comfort her, and I think it.. Somehow worked, for a reason I couldn't understand.
But I hated it.
I hated not... Actually making a physical difference, not only comfort, 'cause deep inside I knew she's not okay... And I lost all hope in these dry words.
I drifted away, from the thing that I considered my everything, usualy just leaving her alone, and spent my nights just drying under streetlights, coming back in the middle of the night, to find her cheating on me with a piece of metal.
I developed this thing in my head, this situation was real, and meaningless words wouldn't change anything.
I wanted to say something, but it all seemed.. Stupid, I would only drag my own face in the mud 'cause I knew it wouldn't be enough.
But hey, as little as it seemed... It worked, in the past, but I'm out of things to say.
I have a lot to say, actually... I just couldn't, it's all in my head.
Everything is just falling apart, as ironic as it is to me, "Love will keep us together", we always sung... If only we knew how ugly this fantasy would've turned out.
This affects me in so many ways, but I'm bored, I love her so much, but love grows old too.
Everyday I wake up, and I think of her dying... Something I really hated, but highly waited for.
Have you had... This feeling... When, someone you love is dying, and you know it's helpless to do anything, you're so sad and hurt inside, but you can't do anything about it... And when time passes by, it takes too long?
You just want it all to end, a reason... A reason to mourn.
I still pray, every single day... But I get the oppsite of what I want, to the point where I started thinking that God, himself has gone insane.
I already gave up, I'm already planing... Imagining how my life would be when she dies.
Just me, under the dim light of the moon, inhaling my sky, and endlessly cutting myself in the memory of her.
For some reason, this seems better than the life I'm living right now.
I know my arms won't keep her safe anymore, so I just wait, I wait for death to hold her.
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