It was one cold night, the freezing wind was piercing my skin, making me shiver.
I was alone, walking the empty streets.
Looking for something to ease the pain, or something... To 'cause pain.
My stomache was in a riot, begging me to eat something... anything.
I tried to swallow, but my throat felt too dry.
There was no one to talk to, no one to shelter me.
But then again, it wouldn't make any difference, this new life is no different than my old one, the one where I had a home, a family.
I dunno if I could call them family.
My parents were always fighting, my dad had anger problems, they fought over the silliest things, but he raged over them.
I never liked them fighting, I never got why they fought anyway, I didn't do anything when they did... After all, what could I do anyway?
I just locked myself in the room, and waited until they finished screaming.
Then I wait for it to happen...I hear his footsteps.
He opens the door, and he smiles at me.
I was eight years old when it first happened, it was painful at first, but then... It was fine, I got used to it, I learnt how to enjoy it.
The streets are pretty dark, and it's getting pretty cold... Tonight wasn't such a good night, and I think it's going to rain in a couple of minutes.
I'm starting to regret doing what I did...I can't believe that I did that...
But... I enjoyed it, Did I enjoy it...?
Yes, yes I did enjoy it, I don't know why am I second thinking that.
I looked at my wrist, it was ugly, and yet filled with beautiful memories, all those times, back when I've felt alive.
It started raining, there was no where to go and hide from the rain.
I could go and find a dry spot and call it off for the night, but I don't think I can sleep, not without the warmth of a friend.
I remember the school days, it's been years since I went there, then I walked into this inky path, and got myself a new life.
School wasn't so bad.
I had no friends at school, I tried making friends by being as good as I can be, but I always got rejected.
I was the 'teacher's pet', I never missed a class, and I always paid attention.
It felt good, that someone's actually talking to me... Not exactly me, but someone was talking.
I liked being at school... All those people around me, it made me feel better for some reason.
I don't get bullies... I don't like bullies.
They see me as an enemy, all they want to do is just beat me down and see me on the ground.
For what reason who the hell knows, maybe they just feel insecure around me? and they hit me to feel a little better, but I really don't think that's the reason.
Maybe they just picked on me 'cause I'm 'weird', something they're just afraid of.
I had no friends, that's for sure, but I tried to get some, I got rejected but... I tried.
I want friends, to make me feel alive, to suck this coldness out of me, to warm me up inside, to stain me.
It's been a while since I spoke with anyone, I actually forgot how I sound like.
I sat at the side of the streets, the rain isn't helping me to find a friend.
I was in an alley, that kind of allies where there's no street lights, and were pretty dark.
That way no one can see my face.
No one would be on the streets at this hour, especially in this weather.
As I sat alone at the side of the street, listening to the melodies of the pouring rain...
I heard something...
Could it be?
Yes! It's a person! A living human...I'm pretty cold and wet, I wanna go and feel this person's warmth.
This kind of reminds me of something that has happened to me when I was young.
I was out for a walk, in the 'wrong side of town', in an alley, it wasn't really early or late, but it was a bit dark outside, and this guy showed up.
I doubted that he's gonna talk to me, why would he?
But he did talk to me, and I was excited for a minute, maybe I'll finally make friends with someone.
He asked me what's the time, I told him I don't have a watch with me, confindently.
I told him that I'll check the time on my phone, maybe that way he'll see me as a good person and... Be friends with me.
I took out my phone and told him what it is, with a smile on my face.
He asked me if he can see my phone, and I gave it to him.
I just wanted a friend, maybe... Maybe this will finally make my infant's dream come true.
He didn't give it back, he said that if I wanted it back... I should go with him.
I was a bit scared, I never... Really got into a conversation with anyone, and nobody ever did that before, I thought that maybe he thought I'm a cool, nice person, and he wanted me to go with him and meet his friends, but he didn't wanna show it in a nice way.
We went to this place that wasn't so far away, there was no one around and I've felt a bit uneasy, but hey... Chase your dreams, right?
People started to show up, and I asked him if they were his friends, but he just smiled... That sick, twisted smile.
They came near me, and they welcomed me with a punch on the face.
I fell hard on the ground, they started storming at me with punches and kicks.
One of them kicked me on the teeth, I lost my front teeth.
That guy went on top of me, the one that brought me here in the first place.
He smiled, and spat in my face, he held his knife and landed it on my bleeding cheeks.
"Do as we say, and we'll let you go."
I did as they said, it's not like I had a choice.
They stripped me out of everything, my pride, my self-esteem, my innocene.
When it was finally over, they left me on the ground, I was barely breathing and bleeding out the mouth, they just laughed and kicked me on the back one last time.
All that time... I was praying to God, praying that it'll be over, not this.. Not this whole thing, my life... Or for someone, somewhere to come and save me from this pity.
But there I was, bruised and forsaken, I was left alone again.
I barely got up, everything in my body was hurting me, I couldn't even walk straight.
"Inhale... Exhale.", I was thinking, reminding myself how to breathe, I started coughing up blood.
Barely walking I made it home.
My Dad welcomed me with a frown, and looked at me, with those hollow, shallow eyes and looked away.
My mom asked me what happened, and I told her, thinking she'd get it.
She only spat out a few dry words, and scolded me for talking to strangers.
I went to my room and I died in bed, I didn't even take a shower.
The next day my mom sent me to school, not caring about the situation that I just got through.
Her son was just abuised and raped, nothing new happened.
I went to the bathroom and took a look in the mirror.
I looked horrible, a wreck, I was a wreck.
I had a black eye, my face was open and bruised, scarred, my eyes got swollen from all the tears I shed yesterday.
I tried to smile, flenching at the process, I got a couple of missing teeth, and some of them were just broken, clinging despretly to my gum.
I thought that my face was the only way to get myself a friend... But that was gone now, no one is going to talk to me.
I still got picked on at school.
They didn't pity me, they made fun of me, and hurt me even more.
I wasn't accepted when I was perfectly fine, now that I look like a train ran over me, I wasn't expecting them to accept me either.
When I got home my parents were fighting, I went to my room and waited for it happen.
I knew it was going to happen soon... I just had to wait.
Then I heard it, his footsteps.
He opened the door, smiled as usual and he said, with a calming soft voice, "Hey there, my princess.", he always called me princess before this happens, saying I'm a pathetic excuse of a boy.
He took off his belt, and told me to take my shirt off.
I refused, for the first time ever.. I refused.
And I wish I didn't.
He took me by the throat, and he squeezed.. And squeezed and squeezed.
He let go and I started breathing, but even breathing was such a hard thing to do.
He ripped off my shirt, stripping me out of everything again, and started hitting me with the belt.
After he thought I got enough beating, It was the time for the other thing, he dropped his pants off, and it happened.
"That's a good girl.", and then he left.
He left me at the floor, like he always did, alone.
I crawled to my bed, and I took a look at my body.
Belt marks, scars and burn marks from my dad's cigarettes, and his semen, I was ashamed of myself.
I closed my eyes, and all I saw was hate.
I started thinking... And then these voices, started crawling into my mind, like roaches, they started infesting my brain, feeding on the hate that was within me.
That's when it took over, and my sanity fell and broke like a porcelain.
I got off bed, with my body hurting me badly, but the pain was the only feeling I've ever felt, my only friend.
I took the baseball bat that was in my room, the one my dad loved to torture me with.
My dad was on the couch, sitting and smoking while my mom was in the kitchen, making something for him.
I walked silently behind him, making sure not to make a sound, and I knocked him unconscience.
My mom heard the hit, she came to me and hugged me, thankful for what I did, thinking I did that to save her and me from him.
Her words... Her voice, I hated them.
I broke loose off her, and I pushed her on the wall, she hit her head and fell bleeding.
My mom was always weak, she couldn't get up, all she did was lay there and mourn.
I tied my dad down on the couch, and I punched him awake.
The moment he opened his eyes... Those, empty shallow eyes.
I gouged them out with the work of my thumbs, making sure he sees nothing, assuring him of how blind he really was.
He started screaming, I stuffed something inside his mouth just so he'd shut it out.
"Don't scream, princess... You're gonna enjoy this.", I whispered his words in his ear.
I used the belt, his belt, and I abuised his body, I burnt him, I tortured him, corrupted him... The same way he corrupted my mind.
I left him for a while, making sure he's still alive just so he'd feel the pain a little longer, to enjoy the curse God blissed me with.
I went back to my mourning mom, I got on top of her, and I looked in her in the eye.
"Why...?", she asked.
Her voice, I loath her voice.
I got myself needles, and I got a hold of her lower lip, I pierced it inside, making my way to the upper lip.
I sucked the blood off her lips, it was blocking my sight.
I sewed her mouth shut, I didn't want to hear any of her empty words.
I went to the kitchen and got a knife.
I walked a trail one my dad's chest with the knife, playfully, then shockingly I stabbed it inside.
I opened my dad's chest, making my way through his lungs and organs, I poked his right lung with the knife, making breathing the hardest thing he ever did, then I stabbed it.
I smiled at the way he reacted, trying to get a hold of oxygen, the sounds his lungs made, the failure he had felt.
I dug my way through his flesh and bone, everything that was standing in the way of his heart, I wanted to see his heart, and how black it was.
The blood was splattering on my face... The warmth of blood, I liked it.
The blood was hugging my face loosely, making it's way down to my chin, leaving a trail behind... Just like everyone left me behind.
I drew a smile with the knife on my dad's face, cheek to cheek.
My mom's mourns, they echo in my ears... I still hear them, I need to stop it.
"Shuuut up!" I shouted, then I kicked her on the skull, I kicked her until I heard her bones slowly crack.
The moment I heard her bones cracking, it soothed me, it was more calming than any word my mom ever said.
I went to the bathroom and I saw the reflection of my own self.
I smiled, that friendly smile of mine.
Then I puched the mirror broken.
I washed away the blood from this filthy flesh mobile of my broken soul, and I got out.
Then reality hit me.
The reality... That I killed my parents.
I took snapshots in my head, what a beautiful scene; I'll never forget the look on their faces, they looked happy.
I took the knife, and I carved this memory deep in my own flesh.
Two cuts, two kills.
I burnt the scars, along with those stains of blood, I can't risk these scars healing.
My skin started bubbling, it hurt like hell, but it's the only way for me to feel alive, to provoke my friend.
I went out in the pouring rain, I made my way through the inky streets, it wasn't long until I felt alone again.
I needed a friend, and I knew where to find one.
With so little hope, I went to that alley again, praying to meet him again.
Fortunately I did, he remembered me and smiled.
"Back for more...?", he said.
I walked slowly towards him, with a smile on my face.
"The hell is up with you? Back off!", he tried to push me, only to be welcome with a cold and wet material getting inside his stomache.
The feeling of blood dripping on my palms, holding my hands, I never wanted it to let go.
I stabbed him again, and again, and again, then I tackled him on the ground and got on top of him.
I looked at him eye to eye, and smiled... a sick, twisted smile.
I grabbed that fucker by the throat, and I squeezed, squeezed, squeezed...
It wasn't long until his face turned faint, I stripped him out of everything, his clothes, his pride, his life.
I cut off his penis, and stuck it inside his arse.
Karma is a bitch, right?
Three cuts, three kills.
That person was a girl, walking the streets at an hour like this, she must be feeling alone.
I rose up, and I blocked her scarlet path, then I took her by the hand.
"Get off me you sick bastard!", she said, pushing my hand away.
"Will you be my friend?", I asked nicely, with that deep, broken voice of mine.
"Get a life.", she said, walking through me... Leaving me behind.
"Freak!", she started walking faster.
I ran, I ran as fast as I could and I tackled her on the wet streets, damaging her face.
I stabbed her in the back, I've felt this excitment, this happiness rising within me, and I stabbed her several times.
That feeling... The blood, showering me, covering my face... That... That warm touch of it, no one has ever touched my face.
I turned her around, and I smiled, that friendly smile... Maybe, maybe she'll change her mind.
Lightning struck, and she saw my face, and with the strength left within her, she screamed her lungs out.
She had those eyes... The same eyes my dad had, looking at me like I was insane.
I couldn't handle it, I stabbed her eyes out, I kept them with me, something for me to chew on later.
I held her head and smacked it on the icy ground, I did so until her skull finally cracked, with the work of my hands, I opened it two, I stcuk my hand deep inside her brain, she was insane.
Eight cuts, eight kills.
Rejected, once again.
I walk these streets alone, feeling nothing but pain and disdain,
I think of all the friends I had,
With beautiful memories carved beneath my skin,
Will this ever end?
Will you be my friend?
© Copyright 2016 RaslanGontier. All rights reserved.