Jesus Takes Revenge Part I

Reads: 543  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 4

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic

jesus goes on a small adventure and has fun

The King of kings arose from his slumber. He checked his sun dial. It was obviously late at night, because it wasn't working. He stumbled through the darkness, his fine white robe dismembered by brambles and inconviniently placed mesh. Lord, how jesus did hate mesh.

After what seemed like about twelve minutes (he had to guess, his sun dial was still refusing to cooperate) he came to a clearing. He stood, dripping with blood and dew. He hated dew because it was a bit like jew and he was a jew but then he decided to become a christian because he's quite arrogant. He lay down his sweet head on a soft rock and went back to sleep.

He awoke again, but this time the sun warmed his unprotected virgin skin. In the distance he heard an unfamiliar noise, it frightened him but then he realised he was the son of god so he could do lightning and all. He decided to confront the noise, and found himself at the side of a busy road. The noise came from cars, which he had been warned about by Gary Numan. He realised he was like two thousand years in the future so he couldn't go and shit in Judas' kettle as he had wished but it was okay, he would take his revenge upon the people of Slough.

He thought first to buy some clothes, so went to oxfam and got a rather fetching corduroy suit. He knew not to wash corduroy with clothes that contained lint like towells, so decided he would not purchase any bathroom drying appliance. He bought a snickers and left for the butchers.

The butcher sat idly on his spinny chair, which looked out of place as it really should belong in an office. As jesus entered, he remarked that sausages were half price. The messiah did not care for sausage. He wanted blood. He took a knife from the wall which was a stupid place to put a knife but the butcher wasn't expecting jesus so he decided to leave them there, and thrust it into the man's pale stomach about seven times. He watched with joy as the blood squirted like one of those hoses with a multi spray tail thing, and spent a good few minutes rolling around in the blood. He didn't have epilepsy mind, he was doing this for his pleasure.

He took more tools and left the unrecognisable corpse to decay, but he wasn't done yet. Slough was to feel the wrath of an effeminate virgin with a really cool beard and a moderately successful father.

Submitted: December 18, 2013

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Add Your Comments:



I like the wit you have incorporated throughout giving the story a informal feel, i enjoyed reading this.

Wed, December 18th, 2013 7:14pm


The dry humour really satisfied my satanic mind, than you good sir.

Wed, December 18th, 2013 7:19pm


OK this is beyond hilarious. Well done.

Sat, December 21st, 2013 5:20am

Ryan Jay Hunter

Nice to see Numan being referenced. Hilarious and Interesting story. :)

Wed, February 15th, 2017 2:07am

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