just a little outburst.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
everything that i want to say to him. but i dont have the courage.

Submitted: July 25, 2012

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Submitted: July 25, 2012

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I just wanted to fit in and be good enough. I wanted to be apart of the family too. but ever since you have been remarried, and had a new child, i have felt left behind and shut out. i was born first, but i guess all i am to you is a bad memory from your first marrige, and a mistake. you only put up with me, and say that you love me because your mother and father would disown you and write you out of the will. you try to please them. and it works. i try to please you, but i fail. i tried to spend time with you, and have quality father-daughter time. but its so hard to spend time with one who doesnt appreciate you, who constantly puts your mother down infront of you. how many times have you told me that she is crazy? i dont know. i have lost count over the many years. you say shes goofy. shes crazy. shes dumb. i cant handle your insults toward my mother. she is apart of me.

i cant handel how you insult me and make me feel dumb, when im afraid of the dark. you make me feel like i am nothing compared to your new daughter and son now. they are so tough and fearless. and i am the chicken whos afraid of everything. you tell them you love them and give them hugs, but you barely say two words to me. when i finally had enough of your new wife, i walked out. i said i would be staying at grandmas house for every weekend i was suposed to be spending time with you. if you wanted to see me you could just drive there. its not that far. maybe 10 minutes or less. we used to be not so close, but atleast we would have conversations together. we used to go do stuff together. take me fishing, hunting for deer or coons. lets go eat lunch, or grab a pizza and watch movies. you have to work you say. youre too busy for me. 'yeah, busy, maybe next time though', i say. i try to be there for celebrations. but its hard because i cant deal with the fact that im not apart of the family and im not good enough.

 

for fathers day, i wasnt going to get you anything. then grandma took me shopping. i decided two bags of candy and a card would do. then we go to your house to pick the green beans out of the garden. after we are done, we sit and talk on the porch. baylee, my little sister was with us. shes 7 now. i shouldnt have complained. i shouldnt have said anything. i shouldve just kept on picking green beans. but i did complain. and i had reason to. i was getting hot, and everything was going black. i was tired and sweaty. the only thing i had was pop from smittys. i doubt sugar really helps in the heat. she told you how i was complaining, and your wife said "well thats what she used to say when she was little." i thought back to when i passed out in the street, we were walking to grannies. thats back when it was just me, you, and your wife. we were picking green beans in the garden and i got hot, so i passed out in the street. you yelled at me to get up and stop playing around. kristen was laughing. i could hear you then. the ringing in my ears had gone away. and my vision was gone. finally it came back and my head hurt. but all you did was make me go back and pick more while you two joked about it. you didnt care about me then, and you sure as hell dont give a damn about me now. i just about died when baylee brought you her fathers day present. she gave you 4 fishing pole holders, when there are supposed to be 5 in your family!! but you say "hey, theres enough for all of us. now we can go fishing as a family!" and she also gave you a fishing net. and im sure you got a pie too. i saw your face. you were so excited and happy. that was after you said we might need a DNA test because i dont look like you. later you said you were joking. but i didnt take it as a joke. it hurt me so deep. all i wanted to do was please you, but i cried on the way back to grandmas house. the next day was actual fathers day. i ate a bag of your chocolate. grandma was a little diappointed in me. i didnt care. i was hurt. i went into the bathroom and cried with the water runnig from the faucet. you didnt have that excited face on when i gave you the one bag of chocolate. you tried to be happy. but i knew you didnt care. how stupid do you think i am? i can see through expressions.

 do you know how heartbreaking it is to be pushed away by your own father!! do you even have a heart?! can you even feel emotions?!?! do you know that words are worse than sticks and stones?! im dying, because youre killing me! i text you and ask you if youre busy working. you say not really. i say well im at grandmas house if you wanna come and see me. you never replied, and you never dropped by!!! all i want is a little attention from you and approval. i want to be called a good kid and not a screw up! i cry more over you pushing me away than i do dead puppies!

i really hope my mom finds someone to settle down with. maybe he can be my dad.

 

 

 

 


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