The Love of a Girl
Miscellaneous by: Red Fox
Today, day 1
If I can’t make you realize how special you are no one will. So here I am… a month later. None the less everything I say I mean, and especially everything I say to you. I’m writing these to you because if anyone is going to make you feel like your special or the only girl in the world, it’s going to be me. You deserve it and I want to make you to know so. Just like the notebook, I can try to be Ryan gosling as much as I want, but I can’t. I can always do better. No more joking Zach, no more feeling like I need to hold on to you. From here on out I’m dead serious, I’m not texting you the stuff I want to tell you… I’ll wait until I’m broken enough to tell you I’m not okay, I’m never okay and you know that by now. I want to make you hold on to me for once because you know I’m always going to hold on to you, and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I never wanted it before but now I do. You said it was hard, what’s harder is for me to still be friends. What’s harder for me is listening to how people couldn’t believe I went out with you, but what’s hardest for me is letting myself listen to them because they don’t know you like I do. They don’t see Molly like I do. I realized this too late and stopped being me to you. So here I am trying to stop my head from spinning, but like I said when we broke up I do this for you, just to make sure you knew.
Honestly I can say I’m doing this cause I want to do something for you I never did for another girl. Making you feel special is one thing but making you know you’re special is another. Asking you to go to the reds game and you wondering if it just be us… I could care less, I should’ve went off on you and let you know how annoying it is that we haven’t hung out in forever but sure molly for you I’ll keep acting like everything’s alright. You said nothing would change and nothing has, and nothing ever will until we get in a real fight. Then maybe I’ll know you care even though you’ve told me and I believe you. It’s funny you remind me of being a kid and having no worries. And then writing these reminds me of my mom who I don’t remember much, except for all the scars in my memory like when I found out she had als or when I saw her stop breathing, or her falling by my pool. Its crazy molly your life is seemingly perfect and I’ve never told you because I don’t want to sound jealous.
So I didn’t do one yesterday so yeah I’m obviously a slacker. And I’m going to try to do this one real fast cause my friend is trying to sleep in my bed with me. I’m not even going to lie I feel like I should run out of stuff to put in these before long but we’ll see. Laney and I had an in depth conversation about you and its crazy cause it was harder to talk to her than it would be to talk to you. I think that’s just the relationship we have. Molly you have changed. There is no denying it and it was so hard for me to put in words for Laney. She said she wouldn’t tell you but maybe she did, I’d like to think she wouldn’t consider she knew I’m writing these. It’s just so hard to tell someone they’ve changed when you care about them so much. I just miss everything about the girl I went to prom with. The girl who didn’t worry about if it was just us because when it was just us, we liked it, because that’s what made us become so close. If you never realized that and if you never noticed just how much is there and is always going to be then fine ignore what you will because by the time you notice I pray I’ll still always be there for you, cause I’m planning on it.
Oh my god you went skydiving today!!! Damn you couldn’t have been happier lol. Like seriously I could tell you had the time of your life and it made me smile. It’s not late at night so I don’t have as much going through my mind and yesterday night I did but I forgot to write. I was so happy you talked to me because I did not want anything to do with the potheads downstairs. Well I got to go work out cause like I told you before… Ryan Gosling in no time.
So I’m obviously not putting dates on these, I just rather make different entries. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m talking to you again, like you want to talk now. And now I kinda like you. I don’t really know if I want to stop myself but I might, hey it’s what you’d want. Nothing ever went away, that pissed me off so did a lot but oh well I moved on I held it all in. Why should I be friends with someone who broke up with me for no reason who I started hating who I cried over. I have so much I never said. One thing I do say to myself is your worth it and different than other girls, you really do care and you really are special. If I could do myself one favor it would be to stop giving up on so many things, and certainly not our friendship. I just missed everything I knew about you and I’m hoping you don’t change cause you know you’re someone I care about.
Molly I don’t know how I’m going to live in this house. I don’t know how much I like a lot of the people in here. Everyone smokes weed and stuff and I don’t want to do that cause of you. You’ve changed me so much, not like I’m going to tell any of my friends. But it’s a lot like a song called heart on my sleeve, and I that song has been hitting me hard lately so much of it it true to me differently. I miss everything about my mom daily now and I hardly remember her but I know exactly what she’d want and I’m trying to do that daily but its so hard. I’m always at my lowest point and want to die, and you’re literally one of the few reasons I haven’t. This house has shown me just how much I’ve changed and conservative I really am. I just don’t want to let you down or get mad at me.
You have no idea how hard this is for me. I try so hard not to hate you and I don’t, I’ll always like you. That’s why friends were. I just feel like I changed you I made you drink prom night and its not like you. I didn’t realize it. The girl I like and care about is the one that is a genuine young lady. Somebody who talks and I know cares about me. Someone I was afraid to let know me. Someone I was unsure of, and just like now. Molly I don’t know any more I just want to cry, if it hasn’t become apparent enough. I don’t like when you drink and you know that and I’m positive you’d rather I didn’t. I think you’re a hypocrite but I know you’re not. These are just lies I’ll never believe no matter how much I want to. You’re the most genuine person I know. I want to know you care and I think you do but I need to know. There is so much on my mind and you know that by all the texts you’ve been getting. Some chicks pet my burn today for a minute. Like good god I know im good looking but still. Don’t worry I was creeped out. I seriously have so much to say but I should go to bed.
You know I don’t really know how much I care about you. I know it’s a lot I just didn’t know it was this much.The text I just sent you will tell me. Maybe they always do.I just hate that you drink now. It makes me want to cry. I just feel like shit thinking about it cause I don’t know, I really don’t. You have changed me so much, and I just don’t want to think it’s a lie. That you’ve really changed that much. You’re at a party where they’re doing drugs. Apparently it was just weed which is impossible to od on. So like yeah this entire entry. Wtf that’s not same girl that I came to like… that’s not the same girl at all. I just don’t know. I did feel that way but you’re the same girls obviously you just didn’t know there was going to be weed there.
I’m so glad we met. I don’t know where I’d be without you. You keep my head straight and make sure I know everything is going to be alright. I can never stay mad at you. There is just something about you that makes you the best friend I could ever ask for. I told you I was having thoughts about hurting myself, and you didn’t really say much but just enough although you did fall asleep on me which I wish you didn’t do because I needed to talk to you. But if you’re reading this you know I’m not dead yet. Words cannot express how glad I am to have met you. You’re the perfect girl Molly.
Wow I’m so tired I wish I could go to bed so maybe this will be a real quick one. Anyways I’m really glad you’re getting to hang out with Kristin and Laney one last time it’s nice. I hope you guys always stay that close. Even when we went out you knew that and I told you I noticed how close you guys are. Just letting you know I mean it. Although idk. You are the hardest girl to read ever. I don’t know what half your texts mean lol. But I still act like I do cause hell I don’t want to get in a fight because I got mad over something stupid. I really hope you’re okay when Laney finally leaves. I’m sure I’ll find out in the next couple days
Molly why have we hung out once since we broke up. Why? You said nothing would change nothing has on my end. You’re just not you. I’m asking you to hang out cause I just want to see you the old you the girl I used to hang out with, the girl that’s 1 in a billion and the girl that’s gave me her time because she wanted to not because she felt she had to. Once we’ve hung out since we broke up… and I wouldn’t consider that hanging out when laney and Kristin are there. I just want to give up and give in. Call it quits but I can’t, not on you, because you told me you’re different, and I believed you. I told you I wouldn’t leave you before we went out and I wanted to cause I was heartbroken, but I didn’t. I’m just hoping and praying you’ll keep your promise and be different than everyone else.
Damn day 11 was super gay. Like for real sorry about that obviously was depressed lol. Your still you just a different you. We talked on the phone for a while and got a lot of stuff of my chest thanks. You’re always going to be a great friend it’s just sometimes I know we can get on each other’s nerves. You know I love hanging out with you so don’t be surprised that I’m asking and don’t be surprised that I want to see you. You’re one of the few people I’ll go out of my way to see and hang out with. Don’t act like its something new, if anyone deserves my time it’s going to be you molly. Hope you have fun moving laney tomorrow.
Hope everything is going well we don’t want you to cry you know. You know I care about you so much, I just don’t know what to say right now. At least you’re strong enough to control yourself. I think you’ll appreciate the choices you make in the long run.
It’s too bad you were sick yesterday because I really didn’t want to drink. I hate it now. For some reason I really don’t want to type these right now and I have no idea the reason why, it might be because of you I’m pretty sure it isn’t cause I don’t think I’m getting farther away from you.
Those last two post were super short, Im such a bum. It’s so funny I told you over the phone I changed how I acted when we broke up. That should have been obvious. I stopped though like I said I would I think you may have noticed when we closed. I just don’t want you to think I stopped being me. Cause there is a reason we became so close, and I’m not letting that get away. I’m going to be me again I think you’ll notice. I’ll talk to you like before and joke around and soon enough I’ll be me again. I mean idk you said it was awkward around me sometimes and that upset me because well that isn’t me, and you know that. When we closed nothing was awkward and for once I actually enjoyed closing/working and it was with you. You’re always going to be someone I know I’ll have fun with, that’s just the type of person you are although you aren’t funnyJ. Lol wats that.
So the first day of school is tomorrow how exciting. Well Im glad your excited just hope you aren’t too disappointed. If I told you how I felt you wouldn’t like it lol. Then again I don’t think you would really ever like it. I think you know me well enough that I hide almost all of my emotions and talk to you to let them out. But I really just want to cry right now, I don’t know why. Everyday it’s the same thing and I talk to you to keep my mind off life and everything about it. I can remember before when this happened and I was suicidal I turned to drinking and stuff, but I don’t anymore. The only thing I turn to anymore is you.
Soooo it was your first day of school. I literally could not tell you if you actually enjoyed it cause you being you just said it was good. Which you know is super annoying. Otherwise my brain is pulling so many tricks on me. I really don’t know how to explain it but earlier I was mad at you for no reason and then an hour later I was completely fine ha oh well nothing went wrong. Although I’m not going to lie I am starting to get upset with you… I’m pretty sure that’s good for me Haha just kidding that’s not good, but I’ll get over it. All I’ve ever been is nice to you and as much as you do deserve it you have been upsetting me recently and I’ve just been keeping it in cause I care about you.
So you don’t have school on Tuesday so you come and hang out at uc, ha even though it makes sense it still made me laugh. Anyways I really need to make these a little more in depth or story like ya know cause I’m good at that, so maybe when day 30 comes by you won’t hate me. That would be nice you know. It’s my writing style is hasn’t changed I’ll try to change it for you.
So you said you were going to bed and I was like yeah me too and here I am I almost forgot to do this. I was in a bad mood today I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to you even though we worked together. At least now I know if I ever get super mad you’d get worried lol. Don’t worry if that happens hopefully you’ll get me back in the right mind. I wasn’t going to talk to you even though I was in a bad mood. I don’t know what it is about you for some reason you always turn my day around. I can talk to you about anything even when mad and you’ll make me smile from head to toe. Probably cause were that close, but I really really enjoyed talking to you today. I have so many thoughts in my head and you just take me away from them. I hate working as a cook at croads.Not because I don’t like the people but more because I hate how they talk. Like you always going to be a ten to me if you know what I mean, and I don’t care what anyone else says. You know you’re the cutest girl I know.
I could always change how my mind works it would be so easy. Then you wouldn’t know me you’d hate me. I’d be the person you’ve never seen, I’d look at you as the person I first met at work not the person I now know you as. I would never want to risk any of that. Idk what it’d be like without you, and I don’t want to know. I held onto so tight and didn’t let any air come between us. Pretty sure that’s why we broke up. It’s sad I listen to songs now and can’t help myself but think about some things. I didn’t talk to you today for the first time in a long time. I won’t lie, I feel lost when I don’t talk to you, and super depressed. It’s bad when people notice. You’re the only person that gets me. I don’t know what these letters or whatever are for anymore. I said when we broke up I do them and I am. I said nothing ever left and it hadn’t I just gave up but here I am and now when I think about you I get a weird feeling in my stomach. I never felt anything at all when we kissed but now I know I would. I would grab you and make you know what a kiss is, and what I was always holding back, and what I was afraid of. It doesn’t matter. It never will unless something sparks a fire. I’ll never be able to change how you feel all I can do is tell you who I am. And I’m that guy that’ll make you know you’re everything someone should want, when you’re lost I’ll always be there to lead the way, and when you think there’s nothing there I’ll be able to show you there’s something hidden away.
Damn Molly already the end of week 3. It never really hit me until today how much you mean and I know I’ve said this before but damn you mean the world. I was so worried for no reason that you weren’t alright. I was scared, and I really couldn’t tell you why. I guess if something were to happen to you I wouldn’t really have anyone to talk to or anyone to listen to. I wouldn’t have that rock that never moves. You seem so much more like you lately. So happy and honestly I love it, it feels like someone I want to talk to now and nothing feels forced for once. Literally for the first time since we met. I was tossing around the idea of our friendship like always and it’s just so much harder on me than I know it is on you, but I’ve been doing it this long so I won’t stop now.
This one will be super short cause I feel like crap. But you asked me what I want from you. That would be an interesting question if you didn’t know the answer. Idk
Oh god what do I always get myself into. I said I would hide my emotions for you. But apparently I said I was about to go off on you…. Which isn’t entirely true anyway. If I were to go off on you it would be me talking about stuff that exasperates me and that I can’t control. So let me put in word or try to before I talk to you tomorrow. I’m going to say you’re everything, or something like that, I’m going to talk about how hard it is to be your friend when I still have feelings for you. That’s the big one its almost impossible to be friends with someone who you know there’s a connection with but I said id do it and I’m trying my best. I don’t know what I want from this talk were going to have, I think I just want to let you know and I’m going to reiterate just how much I care about you. Fyi it’s a lot.I just want you to explain why. You won’t you’ll avoid it. Omg me and Laney talked a lot, ha she liked day one, and I think she got to know me a little, and she reiterated why I’m friends with you guys anyways. I’m not going to ou without you Molly. Ha that really shouldn’t surprise you.
There are no words to really describe how I feel right now or towards you. You know when I started talking to you I was choking up cause I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t. I love being your friend, I could care less about ever going out with you again, the friendship is what I love. I know I’ve changed I can’t hold my emotions in and you’ve let me know that why you don’t want to hang out… which is so depressing honestly that should make me kill myself but it won’t. I just wish I didn’t have these thoughts, I was going to tell you I can’t be friends but I couldn’t, I’m not doing that to someone I think the world of and would do anything. I’d give you my own life and I’ll never know why. I don’t know when I’m going to give you these letters. Hell I might go on for a year just to show you how much I care about you.
Oh we worked together today… it wasn’t bad at all. Honestly I couldn’t even tell we had a fight or that either of us were mad. God this is so hard for me. You’re as good a friend I’ll ever have and that’s why I don’t get why I can get so upset of trivial things, I guess that why I care about you. Ha really molly you are amazing I just hate how my head does this to me. You know it’s crazy you’re one of the reasons I’m still alive. You being the biggest, and I don’t know why and I’ll never know maybe someday it’ll come to me… how exactly you broke me and when it does it’ll be like an aha moment. Then maybe I’ll be able to be me and able to let you know. However until then I don’t know and we both know that by now. Hell that’s why sometimes I lose myself and make you mad and I’m sorry about that. There is not a worse feeling in the world for me. Not many things bother me but that is one of the things. That’s probably why I don’t have a lot of empathy and yet I do for you. That’s what I don’t get, that’s literally how special you are.
Damn Molly wish you didn’t work tomorrow then you could go to the game… that’d be fun I guess. Ha probably not it’s UC football so it’s kind of a joke. None the less you do work and that’ll suck. It occurred to me Molly I haven’t even mentioned your tweeting habits at all in these letters. Well to say the least they’re getting out of hand. Literally out of hand cause like 10 a day is almost too many to count on my fingers. Ah I’m just kidding; your tweets are cute…kind of. I mean I guess it’s your outlet to talk to no one, if that made any sense. I seriously love talking to you about anything and as I’m sure you know tweeting is one of them. Have you noticed that these letters are super random. I have no idea where there ever going to end up. Okay bye Molly, Night!
Shoot Molly I skipped a day… not because I didn’t want to I just passed out at 9. Ha yeah it was a rough night. Wish you could a gone to the game for real. It hit me well something did I could kill myself any day like really that’s what I thought about on the walk home from nippert. And I’d only feel bad about it because of you… that’s why I texted you before I passed out. Good God I don’t know why, I just want to know why for once I need to find out why. I doubt I ever will. It’s sad though because one day I bet I’ll go off on you again for no reason. Ha what am I talking about? Laney really is just like you. It’s strange cause I started talking to her before you then somehow we became closer. You know I’m just a fool playing Mr. Cool acting like I’ve got nothing left to lose. Ha soon enough maybe that’ll be true but you know I’m a fool already.
Oh you went to OU today that’s exciting molly. I know you had fun at least I’ll assume your with laney so that would make it almost impossible not to. I can’t believe you woke up at 430 that are insane and right now it’s 130. Hell molly I woke up at 830 and I’m ready to pass out as I’m typing this. I went to the reds game with my dad besides the game being the worst game all year it was just all around shitty lol and I don’t know why my dad just gets on my nerves sometimes. Anyways I feel kind of sick but I’m glad you had fun at OU I’m sure I’ll find out more tomorrow.
Geez Molly you didn’t seem like in much of a good mood today. Oh well. I tried talking to you but yeah what more can I say you were in a seemingly bad mood. I still liked talking to you I guess but really what’s the point of asking you how OU is when all you say is it was fun. Like really that’s the vaguest answer ever. You’re the best anyhow. I almost smoked weed today because I was in the shittiest mood of all time, but for some reason I couldn’t. I was so close but I thought of you and stopped right where I was. It was kind of a good feeling but hey I do anything for you.
So Molly its day 30… I did it for a month, an entire month. I knew I would I just had to do something different that I had never done for another girl. I just had to let you know you’re more important than any girl I’ve ever met before. If this didn’t do it nothing will, cause no one’s ever going to care about you like I will. And so now what. I’ve got to change if I ever want you back, which I’m not sure if I do. I’ve got to be different. I’ve got to be less dependent, more me, and happier just for you. Id be lying to you if I said I wasn’t thinking about killing myself today… it really would have topped off everyone and would have been a movie ending to this, ha but that’s crazy cause this is not ending until I’m ready for it to be, and I’m not giving up on me or on you, or anything else. I’ve got so much to live for and you’re the biggest reason right now. I know I’ve said some of what I’m about to say before and I could say more but this isn’t over so I might as well keep some things to say for other entries. I did this because you mean the world and I’d move mountains just so you’d believe me. Other people may not understand and that’s fine but I want you to understand. I want you to understand you’re beyond special. You’re one in 7 billion and you’re unlike anyone in this world.
Molls Molls Molls…ew I never call you that. Anyways what did I say in the last one id be more me? I didn’t talk to you today; I guess that’s the first step toward anything. If I’m ever going to end up getting you to like me which I don’t know if that’s what I want, I start by distancing myself from you. As hard as that is for me, I just want you to care and be more like the person I used to hang out with because really I miss hanging out with her. As hard as I’m going to try I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back but I’m going to try. I told someone I so dumb for getting close to you, and that I should have never done that. But that would have been a huge mistake because we would’ve never been close. Sometimes I just say things out of anger and god knows I care about you.
Oh my 2 days and I haven’t said anything to you. Geez I did it haha and I wanted to talk to you. But you must’ve been really bored cause you had like 15 tweets today, ha yeah I’m not kidding. You know I can only be the best me and maybe you’ll notice, maybe you’ll say something. There’s always a chance but I doubt you will, actually no you will ill make sure you notice a different me. But you won’t say anything. I’m going to smile and laugh and make you laugh and by the time I’m done you’ll wonder what just happened. We work together tomorrow time to put what I said in action molls.
We worked together today and god you could just tell I was in a good mood. No seriously you could because we talked and I wasn’t in a bad mood. I’m going to keep doing that and avoid anything that would upset me. Good idea Molly? I thought so too. I’m so funny. You’re so awkward and I can’t wait to retweet all of your tweets as you may know I love them. Anyways I’m tired molly sooooo I’m going to bed.
Guess what laney came home today. Yeah I know she did but she was asleep by the time you got home… fortunately she visited tavern. That’s cray cray I know. You’re going to the game tomorrow with laney chances I see you, probably really low, ha I’ll be super surprised if I see you. I’ve got these things going through my head right now and we’ll see what happens. I love how much you love Tavern haha because it gets so busy. You could talk about it all day every day and then when we’re texting you could just fall asleep on me like always. It’s funny cause the time you did stay up to like 230 a couple days ago you just didn’t text me and we both know you would’ve fallen asleep on me, but hey Molly that’s why I love ya.
No way I missed yesterday. Ha I couldn’t cause Vinnie was here so it woulda been really hard to do. Anyway you shoulda came down I woulda got drunk then lol. Ha that’s a terrible way to go about things but yeah you laney and abby shoulda came down. Oh well you just love bridesmaids. Ha you better hang out this Friday or I might get ma. Chances are I’d just act like I wasn’t mad and then talk like everythings fine. What am I talking about molly? Its Sunday night and IM already in bed at 11… guess im gonna have to look at cool stuff. Look at all the times I said woulda shoulda, 6 counting the last 2. Smile cause I aint going back to correct them because you know why, you love misspelling and grammatical errors. You don’t really you just know I like my words grammatically correct. For real though I wish you guys came down. When I told Cory and Vinnie you were about to they were like wtf, ha they always say they wanna meet you. I coulda swore I told you that but oh well now you know for sure.
Ha geez Molly have I changed so much that it isn’t a big deal for me to not talk to you. Hmm I’m confused because I want to talk to you so much but It doesn’t bother me that much anymore. You know me though my head is so messed up, so I’m just rambling. What to say what to say… you the best? Well you already know that by now. Uhm you the coolest chick I know… no you’re not cool… you’re you and that’s why were friends. These are harder to write when I haven’t talked to you in a day but that’s what makes these worth it I think.I told Kristin I was on day 36 and she said holy shit you must have a lot to say… ha I don’t know about that I’m just going one day at a time as you may have noticed but you know I always can talk to you.
Oh Molly you fell asleep. I wasn’t going to talk to you but I wasn’t in really a good mood so I had to. Because for some reason you can always put me in a good mood seriously I have no idea why. We work together tomorrow and hey thank god because I’ve had just about enough of that place. If you weren’t working I’d probably be in the worst mood ever. We’ll see though tomorrow like I said before I’m going to be a different happy me around you so I better be fun and me like always. The best way to be is me ha I’m so corny but that’s true and I know you’d agree. Off to bed it’s like 2 in the morning and I’m so tired.
Molly… remember when we got lunch today ha we did it lol. Oh well I got over it in no time, but I just didn’t let you know I was super pissed. Ha I waited for you and no that did nothing, ha I still don’t get it but I wasn’t about to let you know how pissed I was. Guess what I can only smile around you now and I don’t know why. Remember I told you I was going to be happy and the best possible me for you, I think I’m doing a good job and I know you’ve noticed. It’s weird though because you and I both know I’m really not all that happy but I act happy around you. I know that’s good. What do I want to say exactly Molly… you know I’ve been wanting to talk to you about what makes me suicidal for a while now, but I guess I just need more time cause last time I tried I just went off on you and we both know we don’t want that. Soon enough though Molls…
I really don’t know what I want to do anymore. I want to do one thing with my head but my heart will never let me do it. I care about you so much and that’s why I can’t do it. I know if I did it id be happier, but a permanent decision to a temporary problem isn’t necessary or a good idea. So Ill just stop. I need to like I’ve been saying I need to know you care because my head always tells me you don’t. I’ll be you for a change. Ha I could never in a million years do that to you but really if I give you these and I have done that call me a hypocrite chances are there would be a good reason. You know me though I don’t want to group you with Mallory and Aly because you told me you were different. You kind of pissed me off today but I just attributed it to you being dumb. I won’t even tell you until I give you these letters, but just so you know were hanging out tomorrow for the first time in a month… and then we get to work Saturday and Sunday together. I hope I’m happy enough for you.
I’m pretty not sober. I don’t get it. I really don’t what do I have to do. DO I have to beg do I have to get on my hands and knees for you to do anything with me. What? What is it Molly? You’re never going to get anyone to put so much in anything, maybe you’ll realize it. Knowing you, you won’t. You won’t allow it. You gave up and don’t deny it that’s how it went and that’s fucked up. I should give up like I want to but you’re you and I can’t. You’re not anything magnificent to most people but to me you’re everything. That’s all I want you to know. Even though you gave up, I never did. I never will even If I stop talking to you I realized long ago that even though you’re not someone I’d normally fight for, you’re the only person I will fight for.Maybe you’ll realize what I didn’t. Maybe you’ll read to this point and I can tell you to keep reading because my heart is only growing. You won’t be able to recognize me soon enough. Soon enough you’ll wonder why. I should move on but I’ve given you so many chances so why not one more… hell you said we’d hang out next Saturday.
How can my heart keep growing molly? Ha seriously that doesn’t make any sense. Its full grown already I just need to open it up. Like when we worked till close today I was happy me just for you.I want to make you know I’m going to make you smile. I’m going to make you happy and I’m going to make you know you’re special. Ha you got that I’m sure you know that by now, I’ve said it before. I just wanted to make sure you believed me. Why do we always have fun when we work together? Ha for real I always enjoy work so much more when it’s with you. Yesterday I wanted to talk to you so bad because I was in one of the depressed moods. You woulda got to learn why I’m suicidal I think. Not sure I just needed to talk to you like always; I was finally ready to let you know why. But until next time I get drunkL.
Awh we worked together again molly. Ha but then again we always do. I don’t know what to say today ha I’ve literally talked to you nonstop the last two days but I’ll try and think of something. I’m good at that as you may know. IN the notebook that shit was all fake… ha no one would normally ever do that. But I’m not normal, and you’re not either. Ha what to say now. Errr uhm I like talking to you duh and I’ve been doing a good job of being happy for you. Ha hard not to be…I’m tired night.
This is gonna be the shittiest week ever ughh I swear. I can’t wait till it’s over then I can stop. I can stop doing something. Ill have gotten lunch with you and have hung out with you on Saturday, then Ill know what I want. What did I say before I didn’t know what I wanted. I just wanna know now more than ever. I could let go of you like nothing but I don’t want that, I want more than that. What I don’t know. I just get this weird feeling in my stomach when I think of you. I don’t get it. My brain is so messed up and It would all be normal if I just never talked to you. What good have you done me beside make me cry… besides a lot of stuff I just won’t say.
Holy shit molls what is wrong with me. I’m seriously getting mad at you for being you. I don’t know why it bothers me. You’re not like other girls you’re like a guy and I always forget that. I just don’t want to talk to you you’re upsetting me so much. You know I should tell you something Saturday but I don’t know if I can do it. Do I ask you something or just let everything be. Do I do something for myself or keep holding onto you. My goal is to make you know your special, but I also want to know your special and as far as I can tell after everything your just ordinary, sike I’ve been doing these for a reason.. You don’t even want to know what I think of you, I never wanted to hate you, and I’m trying not to allow it.
Well lunch was fine, work was fine. And here I am, annoyed like always. What is wrong with me. Im so good at being happy around you and I know you noticed, but for what. Idk that’s the thing… ah you did teach me the register and by teach me just told me how easy it is. Hmmm what now, you said you were sore from that bootcamp…me too haha I did a pretty hard workout but I just don’t want to brag because idk I’m gay.
Geez I thought of something to say earlier and just forgot it. It was in a song and I just can recall. I think it was something about a girl… no shit obviously zach. Hang on maybe it’ll come back. You know what I hate, when you’re on your period. You act so gay and just don’t talk. I’m like hey what you doing and you’re all like nothing and that’s the end of the conversation and I just think you’re pissed at me. Good thing I’m smart enough to realize these things. That why were close duh. What was that song I was listening to. What was it… alright I think hard about it and maybe it’ll come back to me tomorrow but until then I need to go to bed cause I’ve got a big day of cashiering tomorrow!
Im so tired… I got 5 hours of sleep last night and its 3 am again. Were supposed to hang out tomorrow or so you’ve said but I wouldn’t be surprised if something else happened. I just miss hanging out with you. You know I don’t care what we do and yet we never hang out which is annoying… but oh well we’ll see how everything goes and how I feel at the end of this weekend.
So I guess I do want to go out again. None the less I don’t care anymore. Youre not the same person I knew. We never hang out and I don’t care. I don’t want to care but I actually do. I try to be the best friend I can be and just want one chance well I did now I don’t give a fuck. You make me feel like shit and im tired of it. Im tired of talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk or someone who acts. I want Molly back. But that’s it she’s never coming back. The girl I came to care about and go out with shes gone and Im moving on. Ill always be your rock as long as you want me to be but until then I’ll cry like I did before and realize things and wonder why.
That is the meanest thing anyones ever said to me. You don’t consider me a best friend. Oh so we went out, we went to prom, and weve talked almost everyday for how long… You know everything in my heart, everything about me, and ive been there for you always. Youre one of the only reasons im still alive. I care about you more than anything and that’s the thanks I get. You said you don’t want me to hate you and I cant. But now when I think of you I just wanna cry
It’s 11/11/12 I don’t know how far off that is from where I began. You know I’ve made it so I stopped beings so adhesive to you. I know you don’t like that. So yeah and I stopped in the first place so could see how that affects us. So yeah I think I love you and I think it’s because you set me on fire and now I would do anything for you. And it feels real.
Hey molly… it’s 1/15/13 everytime I read this I cry it’s a good thing to remember that I used to be close to you and hey sometimes I wish we still were. I care about you…
Ill always care about you 2/5/13… yeah I do smoke weed no I haven’t changed, yes I love life…im sorry for everything. I wish we were close im sorry I wasn’t there for you.
Day 53, 3.17.13
MOLLY say it loud and say it proud cause as long as I hear it I’ll think of you, strange how my entire perspective has been transformed. I could never hold anything against anyone I care about as much as I have always told myself.
Im going crazy, ive lost track of time. Writing this is hard, because I’ve come to realize nothing will ever make me feel better in this city, everyone hates me. I avoid as much contact with society as I possibly can because I’m so scared of what can accompany everything with it. I wanted to write something great and when I realized I couldn’t do anything I wanted, and in return I experienced exactly what I wanted to be at the bottom, the bottom of society, afraid of people, my own friends and bosses. All because I honestly wanted to know what it felt like, to write about it and let it be known you can overcome anything no matter how much people judge you for doing it. Life isn’t good when you’re afaid of everything. All I can do is say that I am that I am. The best part, I did absolutely nothing.
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