By She’Davia Williams
“I didn’t believe in love at first sight, at least not until I met him.” Jillian began to tell her story to the group of people around her. She had been coming to this group for more than a month now and it wasn’t until today that she finally became comfortable enough to share what had happened.
“I moved into the city trying to find a new life for myself. My parents had disowned me after finding out that I had aborted my baby. What did they expect me to do? Being twenty-one, I was nowhere near capable of supporting a child. I understood that our catholic values strictly prohibited abortions, or sex before marriage for that matter, but I didn’t have any other choice. I was just out of college with no money and no job.
“After the abortion I became scared. I kept having nightmares where I was seeing my child. I would wake up screaming. I was jumpy around anyone that tried to talk to me. Everyone reminded me of the protesters that stood outside of the clinic.
“I wanted it all so stop so I went to my parents seeking the support that they had given to me when I was a child. You know, like when you’re five and you fall and scrape your knee. Or when you’re thirteen and you study all week for a test and still only get a C. Well, I received far from the support that I was hoping for. I received exactly the opposite. My mom looked me square in the eyes and told me that I was going to Hell and ordered me to leave her house. My dad just sat back and didn’t say a word.
“And well, that’s how I ended up in Boston. That’s how I ended up working at a temp office and ultimately that’s how I met him.
“He was amazing; Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile that could kill. He would always make me laugh. I always got the best jobs. It was extremely clear that he was interested. So I wasn’t too surprised when he asked me out to dinner one day.
“After a while we started dating. He was the most understanding person that I had ever met. He didn’t judge me on any of my past actions. He made me feel like I was the best and only person in his world. I felt the same way about him. I wanted him. I needed him. After a year, I couldn’t picture myself living without him.
“I kept expecting him to propose to me, but it never came. I waited for months. I waited another year and still nothing. So I finally became sick of waiting. I decided that if I was ever going to get anything, I would have to go about getting it myself. I went out. I bought a ring. And then one night as we were laying down listening to music I went over to his side of the bed and got down on one knee.
“I poured my heart out to him. I told him that I couldn’t picture myself being without him. But he just looked at me and blinked. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and then he began to speak. ‘Jillian’, he said to me. ‘I’m not in love with you. I mean, I love you but a marriage would just never work out. You call me ten times a day. You get mad when you can’t see me. If I stayed with someone like you until death makes us part, well, I would just be miserable.’
“I turned before he could see the tears start to fall from my eyes. I grabbed my stuff and ran all the way to my apartment. When I got inside I fell to my knees and broke down.
“I started ripping off my clothes and tearing my nails into my skin; across my arms and then my chest, trying to tear out my heart although it felt like he had already done that to me.
“I felt myself become angry and that only made me scratch harder. It hurt so much. The last two years had revolved around him. I hadn’t even had time to make friends so I didn’t have anyone to call.
“The more that I thought about this, the more my anxiety began to rise. I couldn’t breathe and I had to stop this. This...this tragedy was taking over me.
“I ran into my bathroom and grabbed all the pill bottles out of the cabinet and all of the fluids that I could find beneath the sink. I threw them on my bed and began to pick up each bottle of pills and began to wash them down with the cleaning solutions.
“I don’t know how many bottles I got though. Soon everything started to spin. I began to fall and the last thing that I can remember is hitting my head on the nightstand before everything went dark.
“I woke up in the emergency room. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be alive! The nurses told me that he had come to my apartment only to find me lying in a pool of my own blood and vomit and that he had 911.
“That made it hurt even more. The person who had made me want to die had saved my life. That bastard! What right did he have to do that?! What right did he have to help me after hurting me?! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!” Jillian stopped and took a deep breath. She had kept her calm throughout the entire story but now she felt tears streaming down her face. She wiped her eyes before continuing on.
“Well, I spent two weeks in a psyche hospital before being sent here. I’m still having a lot of trouble accepting everything that has happened. I’m still having trouble finding me world all over again and I’m not completely sure if I want to. And, well, there it is, that’s my story.”
“Jillian is there anything that you have learned from this experience that you want to tell the group?” asked the director.
Jillian looked at her lap then slowly she looked up. Her eyes were cold with anger but also glossy with fear. “Yeah,” she said. “Don’t let someone become your world, because once they decide that they don’t want to be in it anymore you won’t have anything in the world to continue on for.”
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